330: When Behavior Pushes Your Buttons (And How to Handle It Differently)
with Penny Williams
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Spreaker | Spotify | iHeart Radio
What if instead of asking, “Why is my child being so difficult?” you asked yourself, “What is my child’s nervous system trying to tell me?” That small shift changes everything.
As parents of neurodivergent kids, we’ve all had those moments when our child’s behavior pushes every button we have. The yelling, the defiance, the meltdowns! It’s easy to feel disrespected, rejected, or even attacked. And when that storm hits, our own nervous system often gets swept up, too.
In this episode, I share a different path forward. You’ll learn how to pause and anchor yourself in the heat of the moment, how to reframe behavior as a signal instead of a problem, and why repair matters more than perfection. These simple but powerful shifts bring steadiness for you and safety for your child.
This isn’t about controlling your child. It’s about grounding yourself so you can show up with the calm presence your child needs. Because when you feel steady, your child feels safer, and that’s where connection, growth, and resilience take root.
👉 Tune in now to discover how to handle those button-pushing moments with more calm, compassion, and clarity.
Every parent knows that feeling. Your child slams a door, refuses homework, or shouts, “I hate you!” And suddenly your body floods with heat — tight chest, clenched jaw, racing heart. You’re teetering on the edge of yelling, shutting down, or snapping back.
Here’s the truth: your child’s behavior isn’t the enemy. And neither is your reaction. Both are nervous system responses, your child’s and yours. That means what looks like “defiance” or “disrespect” is actually your child’s body signaling distress. And what feels like you “losing it” isn’t weakness either. It’s biology.
So how do we shift? The first step is to pause and anchor. Before reacting, take a deep breath, step back, or put a hand on your chest. This moment interrupts the stress loop so both nervous systems don’t spiral together. Slowing your body and voice signals safety, even if your child’s storm is still raging.
Next comes the reframe. Instead of asking, “Why is my child being so difficult?” try, “What is this behavior signaling?” A slammed door might mean “I feel powerless.” Homework refusal might mean “This is too hard and I feel ashamed.” Talking back could signal “I don’t feel heard.” When you shift from judgment to curiosity, you open the door to connection.
And when things inevitably go off the rails (because they will) remember that repair matters more than perfection. Go back later and say, “I wish I had handled that differently. I got overwhelmed, too. Can we try again?” Repair models honesty, resilience, and reconnection. It teaches your child that relationships can withstand messiness and still return to safety.
Parenting neurodivergent kids isn’t about never snapping or always staying calm. It’s about showing up as human, learning alongside your child, and creating a relationship strong enough to handle the storms. Because when you anchor yourself, reframe behavior, and lean into repair, you’re not just diffusing the moment, you’re building trust, resilience, and emotional safety for a lifetime.
3 Key Takeaways
When behavior pushes your buttons, it’s not proof you’re failing, it’s proof you’re human. Your nervous system responds automatically, just like your child’s. Recognizing that biology is at play helps you step back from shame and move toward steadiness.
Shifting from judgment to curiosity transforms how you see your child. Behavior isn’t the problem — it’s the signal. When you ask what your child’s nervous system is trying to say, you create space for compassion, connection, and more effective support.
Repair is more powerful than perfection. Owning your part, circling back, and rebuilding safety teaches your child that relationships can bend without breaking. That’s the real foundation of resilience.
What You'll Learn
How to pause and anchor yourself when your child’s behavior feels overwhelming
How to reframe “bad behavior” into signals of stress, fear, overwhelm, unmet needs, or lagging skills
Why repair matters more than getting it right in the moment
How your nervous system shapes your child’s sense of safety
Ways to move from firefighting behavior to building long-term resilience
Resources
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Transcript
# Episode 330: When Behavior Pushes Your Buttons
**Penny Williams [00:00:01]:**
Instead of asking, *“Why is my child being so difficult?”* try asking, *“What is my child’s nervous system trying to tell me? What is it signaling?”* This doesn’t mean you’re excusing hurtful behavior—it means you’re looking underneath it, because there’s always more to the story.
**Penny Williams [00:00:28]:**
Welcome to *Beautifully Complex*, where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I’m Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be. Let’s dive in together and discover how to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids. If you want more support, join our free community at hub.beautifullycomplex.life.
**Penny Williams [00:00:59]:**
Welcome back, everyone. Over the last few episodes, we’ve been exploring the idea that behavior is a signal, not a problem. We’ve talked about stress responses, how behavior often shows up like animal instincts, and we’ve looked at tools that work better than consequences or punishment.
Today, I want to focus on the moments every parent knows too well—the times when your child’s behavior pushes every last one of your buttons. The yelling, the refusal, the meltdowns, the big emotions… and suddenly you find yourself teetering on the edge, too. I’ve been there more times than I can count.
So today, I want to share practical ways to handle those moments differently—ways that bring more steadiness for you, and more safety for your child.
**Penny Williams [00:02:21]:**
Here’s the truth: when our kids melt down, it often feels personal. It feels like defiance, disrespect, or rejection. But behavior isn’t actually the problem—it’s the signal. When my child yelled, *“I hate you!”* or refused to do what I asked, it wasn’t really about me. It was my child’s nervous system saying, *“I’m overwhelmed. I’m not okay. I need your help.”*
Of course, that doesn’t mean I didn’t feel it in my own body. My chest tightened, my jaw clenched, my nervous system got swept into the storm, too. That’s how we’re wired. We don’t snap because we’re bad parents—we snap because we’re human.
**Penny Williams [00:04:31]:**
So the first thing I want you to remember is this: when your child’s behavior pushes your buttons, your reaction is a nervous system response, too. It’s not weakness. It’s biology.
Here’s a tool you can try in those heated moments: **pause and anchor.** It sounds simple, but it’s one of the hardest—and most powerful—things we can do.
Before you respond, before your tone or facial expression says anything, pause. Take a belly breath. Put a hand on your chest. Step back a little if you need to.
Why does this work? Because the pause interrupts the automatic stress loop between you and your child. Instead of two nervous systems spiraling together, you create space for one of you to settle. And that one has to be you. You’re the adult. You’re the one with the practice.
I use a simple reminder: *“Slow is safe.”* When I slow my voice, my body, and my reactions, I signal safety to my child—even if nothing changes right away.
**Penny Williams [00:06:24]:**
Here’s the shift: the pause isn’t about controlling your child. It’s about grounding yourself. That’s what’s needed first.
Once you’ve paused, the next step is to **reframe**. Instead of asking, *“Why is my child being so difficult?”* ask, *“What is this behavior signaling?”*
A slammed door might mean, *“I feel powerless.”*
Refusing homework could mean, *“This feels too hard and I’m ashamed.”*
Talking back might really mean, *“I don’t feel seen or heard.”*
When you reframe, you move from judgment to curiosity. Curiosity opens the door to connection. I can’t promise your child will suddenly say, *“Thanks for seeing me, Mom.”* But I can promise you’ll feel steadier—and that steadiness shifts everything.
**Penny Williams [00:08:09]:**
Now, what if you pause, anchor, reframe—and things still go off the rails? Maybe you yelled. Maybe your child shut down. Here’s what I want you to know: **repair matters more than perfection.**
You can circle back later and say, *“I wish I had handled that differently. I got overwhelmed, too. Can we try again?”*
Repair isn’t about taking the blame for your child’s behavior. It’s about modeling honesty and resilience. You’re showing your child that relationships can bend, get messy, and still return to safety. That’s the skill they need most—not perfection, but repair.
**Penny Williams [00:09:38]:**
So let’s recap. When behavior pushes your buttons:
First, pause and anchor yourself. Interrupt the stress loop.
Second, reframe behavior as a signal, not a problem.
Third, when things break down, lean into repair.
These are small, doable steps, and they add up. Parenting isn’t about never losing it—it’s about building a relationship where you and your child feel safe enough to come back and try again.
**Penny Williams [00:11:10]:**
If this resonates, and you want more scripts and tools like these, that’s exactly why I created the **Behavior SOS Summit**. From October 10th through 13th, you’ll hear from therapists, educators, parents, and advocates who truly get it. Together we’ll explore understanding behavior as a signal, supporting regulation, creating safe environments, and advocating for your child.
I hope you’ll grab your free ticket at behavior-sos.com.
**Penny Williams [00:12:55]:**
Before we wrap up, I want you to remember: you’re not failing because your child struggles, and you’re not failing because you sometimes lose it. You are human. Your child is human. And both of you are learning.
As Maya Angelou reminds us: *“When you know better, you do better.”* Give yourself grace. You are doing the best you can with what you know right now—and by listening and learning, you’re already doing better.
So next time behavior feels impossible, try pausing, anchoring, reframing—and trust that repair is enough.
**Penny Williams [00:13:41]:**
Take good care, friends. I see you. You’re doing hard and meaningful work, and you don’t have to do it alone. If this episode helped, share it with someone who needs it. And when you’re ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is here with tools, coaching, and community to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Learn more at regulatedkids.com.
I help stuck and struggling parents (educators, too) make the pivots necessary to unlock success and joy for neurodivergent kids and teens, themselves, and their families. I'm honored to be part of your journey!
Host of Beautifully Complex. I help stuck and struggling parents (educators, too) make the pivots necessary to unlock success and joy for neurodivergent kids and teens, themselves, and their families. I'm honored to be part of your journey!
You don't have to do this alone! Find calm, confidence, and connection inside the FREE Beautifully Complex Parenting Hub.
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