375 Co-Regulation Ideas for Real Life, with Penny Williams

Penny Williams: [00:00:00] Imagine that you're trying to teach your child how to make their own grilled cheese. But it's a struggle. They're having a hard time with spreading the butter evenly, or they're having a hard time with getting it flipped without falling apart in the pan. I was just talking with a parent during coaching this week about this exact situation, where her tween, young teen, wanted to be able to make her own grilled cheese sandwich, and mom was very patiently trying to help her, and yet watching that the situation was still a big struggle.

It was an emotional struggle because it was not working out the way that the child [00:01:00] wanted it to work out. And mom was kind of at a loss of how to help, how to get through that discomfort period to get to the other side of it, and how to really help her child also to be able to continue to learn that skill, to be able to sit with discomfort, to not give up, to not turn away from it, to keep going and keep trying.

And my first thought as she was talking to me and sharing this story was co-regulation. It wasn't about the setup, it wasn't about the interaction between them necessarily, although co-regulation kind of is. You know, it wasn't about the conversation or the instruction. It was first about the co-regulation.

And so my recommendation, first and [00:02:00] foremost, was to actually make their, each their own grilled cheese in tandem. To have the child over here with her own pan, her own bread, her own butter, her own cheese, and to have mom on the burner next to her with her own pan, her own butter, her own bread, her own cheese, and to do it in tandem.

Because when we do things in tandem, it's co-regulating. We are sending signals of safety, cues of safety, to the child. But also, you're showing how to do it instead of explaining how to do it. And for this particular child, working memory and executive function was also a huge struggle, and that was part of what was getting in the way.

But really, the conversation started around, how do I as the parent facilitate this in a [00:03:00] better way that feels better for everyone, but also has better outcomes? And so my first thought was co-regulation. Then, of course, we added things like giving her a written visual instruction, because she's struggling with working memory, with trying to go into these situations with less words and more action, less words and more modeling or more visual support.

So it was about the supports for the executive function challenges, including working memory, but it was also about offering the cues of safety and engaging in co-regulation, because that is going to help the child's nervous system handle the discomfort, handle when things didn't go exactly the way they wanted them to, a whole [00:04:00] lot better.

So think about times with your own kid. Are there ways where you can do the activity in tandem? You know, most of us think about co-regulation, meaning that we need to stay calm while our kid has whatever behavior they have around us, but we have to come in and we have to be calm. And for those of you who are just listening and not watching, I am using air quotes when I use the word "calm," because that's not really the goal.

The goal is to come into situations that are difficult, settled, and steady, so that we are sending cues of safety from our nervous system to our kid's nervous system, because that is going to help them to be able to settle better. So co-regulation isn't staying calm in the face of a meltdown or a shutdown, [00:05:00] or a kid who is saying really hurtful things or maybe damaging property.

We don't have to just shut everything off and stay calm, and if we're able to do that, it isn't magic. It isn't going to stop the meltdown or the shutdown. So co-regulation isn't about "I'm gonna be a calm presence and nothing else matters, and they're automatically gonna be able to do better."

It's part of it. Being settled and steady is part of it, but it is not the whole picture, and it's not even the most useful part of co-regulation for our day to day. I wanna say that again. Calm isn't even the most important piece of co-regulation in our day-to-day lives. What does that mean? Well, the real opportunities for co-regulation [00:06:00] are the ones that we don't notice because they don't stand out in a crisis.

They're the ones that look like making a grilled cheese sandwich in tandem with your child. So there are really three practical entry points for co-regulation. One is that tandem activity that I've just illustrated with this grilled cheese sandwich story. We're doing something in tandem, and it doesn't have to be something as intensive as cooking together.

You could be walking in the neighborhood together. If you're walking kind of in sync next to each other, you're walking in tandem. Could be bike riding. Doesn't have to be a tandem bicycle. It could be two separate bicycles, but you're walking or riding in tandem.

Think about [00:07:00] your day-to-day life. Think about where are there opportunities that rather than telling my kid what to do, rather than being their guide, can I just do it with them? The second really key type of co-regulation is body doubling, and that's kind of the technical term, or the common term that we hear a lot, especially in the ADHD communities.

A lot of adults with ADHD talk about how it's so much easier to get started or get something done if they can body double, if there is another human present. Why is that? The science tells us that that's because that other nervous system is sending our nervous system cues of safety, because relationship connection [00:08:00] is part of what helps to regulate, to modulate our nervous system states.

And so when there's another person present, not talking, not helping, not doing the same thing, none of that stuff matters, just being present alone can be co-regulation. That can be a sort of intervention of its own. And then the third type of co-regulation is what's commonly known as serve and return. It is back and forth moments of attention, of responsible responding.

That sounded weird, responsible responding. But being in this back and forth, you can think of it like a tennis match. Somebody serves, then the other person on the other side of the court in that match, their job is to return the ball, and then [00:09:00] it is a game of back and forth, right? And so that's where the term serve and return comes in.

But these can be really small things. It can be conversation, when the conversation feels good to everyone and everyone's open to it. It can also be something like bouncing a ball back and forth while you're in conversation. It can be something like some sort of activity where you're adding to each other.

I don't know if when you were a kid, you played the game where you would go around like a circle of kids. Somebody would start with one statement to start the story, and then each person would add to it. You could do something similar between two people, and that would serve as a serve and return activity.

If I say something funny and now you're supposed to add to it, now the ball's in your court. You add to it, and then it comes back to me [00:10:00] to keep it going, right? And so we can volley back and forth with something fun, some improvisation. It doesn't have to be a task that has some sort of meaning. We're not worried about building skill, teaching lessons.

These aren't teachable, you know, co-regulation is completely separate from teaching, from lesson, except that it helps with teaching, right? It helps to keep the thinking brain accessible. So we want to implement co-regulation in all kinds of daily activity, and that's why I said that this is co-regulation for your day to day.

That's where it matters, and that's where we're going to get the most positive outcomes from it. And also, it's going to really be [00:11:00] that point that is not something added to the day. We're not taking some time to co-regulate. We're adding the layer of co-regulation on the things we're already doing, like that grilled cheese. As the parent, you can stand there, you can guide with your voice, with your words, and you are helping with making a grilled cheese, or you can layer on the co-regulation of doing it in tandem.

And I would add, layer on even not doing yours perfectly. Make sure that your grilled cheese is not perfect, because then you're lowering the bar for their own expectation of themselves. Because a lot of kids get into this struggle because of the perfectionism. If [00:12:00] you feel like you can never make a good grilled cheese because the goal for you is a perfect grilled cheese, you're never going to feel successful at it.

And what might happen in the long term, you might give up, you might decide that you just can't. It's just not in you. But that's not true, because the goal isn't perfection. The goal is a tasty sandwich, right? The goal is to sort of toast the bread, make it taste buttery, and melt the cheese a little so you have an ooey-gooey center.

It is not to have a, you know, Bon Appétit magazine-worthy, photograph-able grilled cheese, right? Like, that's kind of what society tells us and social media tells us. We have to counterbalance those ideas that our kids get stuck in with being human and making mistakes [00:13:00] openly and loudly with them.

That's what changes that feeling about the situation for your kid. So let's kind of unpack a little bit more of this grilled cheese scenario, because there's more than just co-regulation to pull out of it. We're talking about an instruction card, and that provides relief. It takes the stress off of the brain and the executive function that was struggling, but it's also taking the pressure off of the parent in that situation to not have to be solely responsible for how the outcome happens, right?

If we're just giving verbal instruction, it's all on us how that outcome turns out when our kid hasn't yet [00:14:00] mastered that skill. So we take the pressure off of us, we take the pressure off of our kids' executive functioning, their working memory, by just creating an instruction card for them and having it available.

And then that also removes you verbally correcting throughout the process, which feels like cues of threat, right? We have to think about this layer of safety, felt safety, within all of these kinds of situations. So the co-regulation is helping with that feeling of safety, those cues of safety, but also having your needs met where you're struggling, so with executive function, with working memory, by creating that instruction card.

And then by doing that, we're also reducing the pressure and the stress on the nervous system, which reduces cues of threat and increases those [00:15:00] cues of safety. We're lightening the cognitive load when we provide those written instructions. I would also argue that we are lightening the cognitive load when we are doing it in tandem and we are showing how to do something instead of telling, because telling requires language processing and response.

Showing does not require the same parts of the brain to process in the same ways that language does. It can be easier for a lot of people, not for everyone. Somebody is gonna be like, "Just tell me step by step what to do," and that's how they function best. But for a lot of our kids who struggle with processing, who struggle with language, this is going to be much less of a cognitive load for [00:16:00] them.

Then, of course, that tandem cooking was giving that teen a model so that she could glance at what mom or parent is doing and not feel like parent is watching and judging, right?

If you're standing and giving instruction, it feels like you're watching and judging. You are watching, and you are sort of judging because that's part of the process of guidance, right? But if we flip the way we're guiding into this modeling and showing, then we're removing that feeling of being watched and judged.

And so we are helping the nervous system to feel safe. Again, everything I say here is always gonna come back to felt safety. That is what matters the most in everything. It [00:17:00] all comes down to felt safety. Everything. You can throw anything at me that is a challenge with your kid, and I am gonna let you know that there is an element of felt safety that is absent from that, because it guides everything.

And then lastly, with that cooking and grilled cheese analogy, the tandem activity itself was the co-regulation, just as I said at the very beginning. Two nervous systems are working side by side doing similar things, right? You may be going at that grilled cheese a little bit differently than your kid next to you, but you're basically doing the same thing in tandem, in sync, and there is a rhythm to that.

Our nervous systems love rhythm. Love rhythm. It is one of the sort of goalposts [00:18:00] of safety for our nervous system. Anywhere that you can implement rhythm, you're implementing co-regulation, you're offering co-regulation. And even in that situation, you're also offering connection, more so than when you are taking the role of coach and guide and you're watching. There's more connection in doing together than in being the instructor and the student.

I hope that makes sense for you. I always try to put myself into an example of the situation, to think back in my own life or in my own childhood, when is there a time where someone was just telling me what to do and thinking about how that really felt, versus when was a time where I got to learn by doing and learn from somebody showing me.

I'm very much a visual [00:19:00] learner. I need you to show me, not tell me. And so I understand when I think about these things that showing feels more comfortable. And when we have more comfort, that equates to more felt safety. That's the key.

There are so many moments in your day-to-day where you can offer some co-regulation, and I wanna just give you a few examples really quickly here to start to get your creative juices flowing on what things could you do as serve and return. What things could you do with body doubling? What could you do in tandem together? For younger kids, you could build something together, like Legos, so you're working on your own structures, your own creative thing that you're creating, but you're doing it side by side at the same time. Coloring or [00:20:00] drawing at the same table, so you're not working on the same page together.

You're working on your own things, but you're doing it at the same time in tandem. And you can narrate out loud for kids, especially the younger kids, "I'm going to make my sky blue." You're not telling them that their sky needs to be blue. You're not giving them instruction. Their sky can be purple, and I want you to be really accepting of their sky color, even if it's black.

That's okay, right? This is not a lesson. It's not a teaching moment. It's co-regulation. It's nervous system health. That's all we're doing. Nervous system wellness, right? So we're not directing, but we can narrate some of what we're doing because it helps to build skill. It helps to give cues of safety. If you have elementary age kids, that tandem cooking, [00:21:00] baking, each of you making a simple version, you know, grilled cheese.

While there is some difficulty level, like, I am one of the world's worst grilled cheese makers, and I have had to say, "It's okay. It doesn't matter what it looks like. It can have a hole in it. It can have a little burnt spot we can cut out or we can scrape off." Typically, when I'm the one in the house making the grilled cheese, the first pan of grilled cheese, two sandwiches, always goes in the trash.

I always burn it. Always, always, always. I'm like, "Okay, well, that was my warm-up, and now I'm on to the next batch," and that's okay. And a couple weeks ago, we had grilled cheese, and there were holes in the bread. It was a hot mess, and I just decided to lean into acceptance, and that's what we need to teach our kids.

That's what we want to model to them. So we can start with simple things because we always want to start with opportunities for success, easy wins, easy successes. It [00:22:00] could be decorating their own pizza. So they're decorating one. You're decorating one, or putting the toppings on it, right? Or decorating cookies, baking cookies, so many things.

What are you doing sometimes already in your home that you could each do at the same time? There's so many things. Another thing for elementary age, doing homework or a puzzle at the same table. Maybe you have a task like a crossword puzzle or some work that you brought home, or paying bills, or even reading a book that you wanted to read.

You could sit at the same table or on the same sofa in the same room, some sort of proximity together, and they could be doing their homework while you're doing that other task. So you're not hovering around, you're not supervising, you're not prodding and nagging them to get back to what they were doing to work more efficiently.

You're just there doing your own thing, and that helps their nervous [00:23:00] system to co-regulate. If we get into the teenagers, something like learning a new skill together where neither one of you is an expert yet, you're both beginners. It could be a new recipe, it could be some sort of craft or art, maybe a video game that neither one of you have played yet, and learning together instead of trying to instruct your child.

Folding laundry, doing a chore side by side. We always have this idea that our kids need to be solely responsible for getting a chore done, that they should, and again, for those listening, "should" as in my air quotes, that they should be able to do it themselves. Maybe, but if they didn't just get in there and do it themselves successfully, there's something getting in their way, and maybe all they need is a body double in the room, or maybe all they need is you working with them while they get started, and then you're able to let [00:24:00] them finish.

They don't need to start by being responsible for completing the whole chore on their own, because then we start adding pressure when they're not able to do it, and we make it less doable for them. For teens, you may think that if you have a teen or a young adult that you don't have these opportunities, but I promise you that you do.

They can be so very small. So very small. Look for those little bitty opportunities. Something like maybe you're going for a walk together. There's no agenda. You're not gonna talk about hard things. You're not gonna rehash something that happened two days ago. There's zero agenda. The agenda is we are walking together at the same time in the same space.

That's connection. You don't even have to talk, and you're sending cues of safety to your kid's nervous system, and you're connecting with them. [00:25:00] You could, in teen or young adult years, do something maybe creative, your own independent project in the same room. Maybe you're journaling or doing some Zentangle, which is something that I wanna get back into for myself for some mindfulness practice.

You could do so many things, present but not involved in each other's tasks. At any age, you can share a natural serve and return task that has kind of that serve and return aspect built into it, where maybe one person is reading the recipe and the other person is taking the actions. So my kid says, "Okay, step one is measure the cheese," and then I measure the cheese, and then now it's returned back to them.

Step two, instruction, and then it's returned to me. I'm gonna do that, right? Back and forth, back and forth. That [00:26:00] rhythm, I'm telling you, that rhythm, it's soothing for you, too, I promise. Like, every time I think about rhythm, my body does an exhale. It feels like a relief. So think about when can I be present but only present?

When can I do an activity in tandem with my kid? When can I do something in a serve and return rhythm with my kid? All of that is co-regulation, folks. All of that is giving them the felt safety that they need to be able to feel better and to do better, to be able to regulate, to modulate between those nervous system states a little bit more skillfully and with a little bit more ease.

So think about it. I want you to make a plan. What is one thing this week that you can do to implement one of these [00:27:00] three types of co-regulation with your kid? Make a plan, make time for it. It will pay off. It will pay off huge, I promise. Thanks for being here and listening, folks. I am Penny Williams, and I hope that I will see you next time.

Please take good care.