Beautifully Complex Ep. 357
Three Layers of Regulation for ADHD, with Jenna Free, CCC

Penny Williams: Hello, everyone. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I am really so thrilled and honored to have with me Jenna Free to talk about ADHD and regulation, and what that really looks like. What is the interplay between our nervous system and regulation and ADHD, and some of the struggle and all the things, I’m sure, as much as we can get to in the time together.
Jenna, will you start by letting our listeners know who you are and what you do?
Jenna Free: Yes, hello. My name is Jenna, and I’m a therapist for ADHD, and I also have ADHD myself. I take a unique approach to working with ADHDers, and it is solely around getting out of fight or flight. I don’t do any of the external stuff because I have found that if we do that internal work, it drastically decreases our symptoms, increases our executive functioning.
So it really is the most powerful way to live well with ADHD.
Penny Williams: Awesome. And tell us about your new book.
Jenna Free: Absolutely. So I have this simple guide to ADHD regulation hanging above me here. This is very neurodivergent-friendly. I’ve been told that it actually is. I know a lot of books claim to be supportive of our different brain, but it’s very succinct, lots of images, lots of diagrams to visualize these ideas and make them a bit more tangible.
So it is a beautiful walkthrough of the process.
Penny Williams: Awesome. So let’s talk about how you define regulation first, and then why are we talking about regulation specifically when we’re talking about ADHD?
Jenna Free: Absolutely. So regulation, to me, I really love the definition. If you Google “to regulate,” it’s the rate or speed at which, it actually says a machine, but I say, the rate or speed at which we function best.
We think we function best in crisis and intensity, especially as ADHDers, but we actually function best in balance.
So what regulation is, is just like if we thought about a dysregulated temperature when you’re sick. You’re super hot, and then you’re freezing cold, and then you’re boiling, and you’ve got to kick off the blankets, and then you’re freezing and shivering. That’s what the nervous system is doing.
So to regulate is to find that balance, that comfortable temperature, if you will, and functioning from this more sustained place. That is what I work to help people do, especially ADHDers.
Penny Williams: Yeah, we talk so much about regulation here on the podcast and all the work that I’m doing with parents, but you actually take regulation deeper into more stages of regulation. We’re talking a lot about nervous system regulation here, but what other types of regulation do we need to focus on?
Jenna Free: Absolutely. So I do think I also skipped over your question of why regulation for ADHDers, so I will return to that.
If you have an ADHD brain, and this is anecdotal, but I’ve worked with over 1,000 ADHDers in depth, I have not met one who is not in fight or flight.
So my theory is just being a neurodivergent person in a neurotypical world has given us enough of these little friction points of like, “I’m not quite fitting in. I’m not quite the same. I’m late. I forgot something.” Just these little points of friction.
It doesn’t have to be huge trauma, but just enough that it’s put our nervous system on the defense.
If you look at fight or flight symptoms and you look at ADHD symptoms, that list is almost the same. So what we’re doing is compounding our struggle. I already have an ADHD brain, now I’m going to put that ADHD brain in fight or flight mode.
We’re struggling way more than we need to.
So once we get that brain out of fight or flight, then you’re just dealing with ADHD, which, personally, and my clients have also said, is like, “Oh, okay, this is manageable. I can do this now.”
It was the double symptomology that is really debilitating.
Penny Williams: Yeah. And we know that when our nervous system gets dysregulated, we go into fight or flight, the access to our cognitive functioning dims. That’s already a struggle so often with ADHD, those executive functions.
Do you want to talk a little bit more about what that looks like?
Jenna Free: So we can see fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
Fight looks like irritability, emotional dysregulation, sensitivity, impatience, rushing, frantic energy, defensiveness.
Flight is avoidance, procrastination, not doing the thing we know we want to do.
Freeze is paralysis. I’ve seen that, and I don’t believe it’s inherent to ADHD. I think that’s the fight or flight response.
Then fawn is people-pleasing, masking, putting everyone’s needs before your own, avoiding uncomfortable conversations, rejection sensitivity.
I recommend starting to see all of that as dysregulation. Put the ADHD aside for now, assume we’re dealing with dysregulation, and work from there.
Then you do the regulation work and see what’s left.
Penny Williams: Yeah. So tell us about that regulation work.
Jenna Free: We start with the nervous system piece. A lot of regulation work is task-based, like meditation or yoga, but I take more of an in-the-moment approach.
We need to get really good at feeling what it’s like to be dysregulated. We’ve normalized it, so we don’t even notice it anymore.
We want to notice things like tense muscles, racing heart, stomach in knots, holding breath, rushing, freezing.
That awareness is key.
Then the second piece is interrupting it. When I notice I’m dysregulated, can I interrupt it consistently over time?
For example, if I’m rushing, I slow down. Even if I’m late, I walk instead of run. That shows the nervous system that I’m safe.
Over time, that becomes automatic.
Penny Williams: How do we build that awareness?
Jenna Free: Choose one or two red flags for the week. Something specific, like “my shoulders are tense” or “I’m rushing.”
Have a visual reminder. Just one. That helps bring awareness to the surface.
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Penny Williams: What’s the next step after nervous system regulation?
Jenna Free: The second layer is thoughts and beliefs.
If your nervous system feels unsafe, it shapes how you think. If you don’t work on your thoughts, they will keep re-triggering your nervous system.
For example, the belief “I’m behind, I need to catch up.” That creates urgency and anxiety.
If you try to slow down but still believe you’re behind, your brain will push you to rush again.
So we have to challenge those beliefs.
A helpful shift is “I am where I am. Now what?”
That brings you back to reality and allows you to take the next step calmly.
Penny Williams: Do you have to believe this work will help?
Jenna Free: Yes. You need buy-in. If you believe it won’t work, you won’t put effort into it.
I believe ADHDers can do anything they want. We just need to get out of fight or flight.
Penny Williams: What’s the third layer?
Jenna Free: Behavior.
We see dysregulation in extremes, like all-or-nothing thinking and perfectionism.
You’re either doing everything or nothing. That’s exhausting.
We want to move into flexibility. Doing a little bit, doing what you can.
That creates a sustainable rhythm.
Negative self-talk, guilt, and shame are also signs of dysregulation. They’re attempts to motivate through fear, but they don’t help.
We want to create a baseline of regulation, not just manage crises.
Penny Williams: That flexibility reminds me of celebrating small wins.
Jenna Free: Yes. Positive reinforcement is about regulating the nervous system.
If you finally do something and then criticize yourself, your brain won’t want to do it again.
But if you celebrate it, your nervous system associates it with safety and reward.
Penny Williams: What would you tell parents?
Jenna Free: First, regulate yourself. You can’t regulate your child’s nervous system, only your own.
Second, reduce rushing and overwhelm for your child.
Focus on helping them feel safe and steady, not pressured.
That supports their regulation.
Penny Williams: Jenna, where can people find you?
Jenna Free: You can find me at jennifree.com or ADHD with Jenna Free on social media and podcast platforms. My book is available wherever books are sold.
Penny Williams: Thank you so much. I’ll link everything in the show notes. I’ll see everybody next time. Take good care.