Beautifully Complex, Ep. 352
Navigating Childhood & Adolescent Anxiety, with Dr. Vanessa Lapointe

00:00:12] Penny Williams: Welcome back to Beautifully Complex, everyone. I am so happy to have many caring adults here with us listening. I have Dr. Vanessa Lapointe with me, Dr. V, to talk about anxiety, and we’re going to have a conversation about anxiety that is probably going to be different than other conversations you’ve heard. I’m really excited to unpack that. So, Dr. V, will you start by letting everybody know who you are and what you do?
[00:00:47] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: Yeah. So I am a mom, first and foremost, to two growing young men now who are 19 and 22 years of age. I practiced as a psychologist for more than 20 years before leaving that profession a few years ago to launch an international parenting support platform. And so I’ve really been, for about 25 years now, walking alongside kids and parents and families, just really seeking to champion them to live their best lives.
[00:01:19] Penny Williams: I love that. Tell us your perspective on anxiety and how it might be different from the more traditional model.
[00:01:29] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: Yeah, so it’s interesting because there’s a lot of talk about anxiety these days. I think that’s a reality for a lot of people. And with that, there becomes a lot of chatter about what you’re supposed to do if somebody’s anxious.
I was trained in a school of thought that I’ll refer to as behaviorism and came into a school of thought that I’ll refer to as developmentalism over the arc of my career, not just professionally but also personally when my youngest son was impacted by anxiety.
I needed to figure out what we were going to do and what felt aligned for me. Where I have landed is this idea that where we often begin with anxiety treatment is not where we should be beginning.
We usually begin by focusing on what’s happening inside the child or inside the parent—the feeling of anxiety—and then we get busy trying to eradicate that feeling. My understanding is that we don’t start there.
In fact, we have to zoom the lens way out and really take stock of what’s happening around the child. We need to consider deeply whether that environment is working for them.
In the vast majority of cases, I would suggest that people who are feeling anxious should be feeling anxious because they are living in environments that are entirely incongruent with what they need as humans. Of course they’re anxious.
We don’t treat that by trying to anesthetize those thoughts. We treat it by sorting the environment so that it’s more aligned with what the person needs.
[00:03:25] Penny Williams: And we do push kids into environments. We have systems like school, and we say, “This is it. You have to figure it out.” So I can hear a lot of parents asking already, what do we do about environments where we don’t have as much influence?
[00:03:52] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: It’s a great question and part of the messy middle we all live in. I think it comes down to two things.
One is to get fierce in how you approach adjusting the environment. It’s not just one conversation with a teacher. In my son’s case, it was many conversations—with teachers, counselors, administrators—to build a cohesive team and understand his needs.
Ultimately, I made what felt like a radical decision to remove him from that environment because it was so problematic. His older brother was fine, but my younger son wasn’t coping. I moved him to a school better aligned with his emotional and learning needs.
So first, get fierce. We often think we don’t have power, but we do. Get big about the environmental piece.
The second thing is connection. There’s something we can do as parents that activates this invisible string between us and our children so that when they’re away from us, they still feel connected. That connection becomes a kind of shield they carry with them.
[00:05:58] Penny Williams: Can you tell us what that looks like in real life?
[00:06:04] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: Yeah. When my son was struggling, I couldn’t be at school with him all day. So I figured out how to “send myself” with him.
We visited his school playground on weekends and created invisible “stash spots” of kisses—under the slide, near the monkey bars. During the week, he knew where to go to get a little “mama top-up.”
I also gave him a small object—a little heart—that stayed in his backpack. When he needed comfort, he could squeeze it and feel connected to me.
But the deeper piece was instilling in him the truth of his worth. That who he is matters more than anything anyone else says. That he is valued simply because he exists.
And when children truly feel that, it becomes a shield. They carry that belief into hard environments.
[00:09:34] Penny Williams: I love that. I did something similar with engraved coins my son could carry. It helped remind him he was safe and connected.
How do parents start figuring out what their child actually needs? How do we “crack the code”?
[00:10:50] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: It’s different for every family, but there are some guiding principles.
First, get very relationship-focused. Connection is life-sustaining. You could even say the opposite of anxiety is connection.
Second, be willing to “sniff around.” Stay curious. I missed my own child’s hearing loss and dyslexia at first, even as a specialist.
Be gracious with yourself. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in it.
Really listen to your child. Don’t assume manipulation. See them as adaptive—they’re doing the best they can to cope with their circumstances.
When you approach them that way, you’re more open to seeing what’s actually going on underneath.
[00:13:47] Penny Williams: Yes. We’re not given a manual for this. And so often parents think their child is manipulative when really it’s about safety.
What are some other ways anxiety shows up?
[00:15:19] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: Anxiety in kids often doesn’t look like what we expect.
It can look like irritability, refusal, meltdowns, or lashing out. It can feel very challenging and even unlikeable.
It’s not personal. It’s anxiety leaking out in the only way they know how.
You might also see sleep disturbances, physical symptoms like toileting issues, or rigid eating patterns.
It shows up in ways we don’t always recognize as anxiety.
[00:18:11] Penny Williams: Yes, I always say we should ask if anxiety is fueling behavior.
What about control? How does that show up?
[00:19:15] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: Control can show up in ritualistic behaviors, sensory preferences, food, or even kids becoming very bossy—what I call “Hulk energy.”
We don’t want to just shut that down. We want to understand it.
The key is stepping in as the capable leader. Not in a harsh way, but in a supportive way that allows the child to rest instead of trying to control everything.
For example, with a lock-checking routine, the first step wasn’t eliminating it. It was putting the parent in charge of it so the child could feel understood and safe.
Then, gradually, the parent could reduce it.
[00:23:19] Penny Williams: That makes so much sense.
Can we talk about the parent’s role? How do we support without adding to anxiety?
[00:24:26] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: I want to give all parents a free pass. A lot of anxiety comes from systems that focus on controlling behavior.
When we prioritize behavior over relationship, we can unintentionally squash a child’s spirit.
But we are a social species. Connection is essential. Without it, we feel unsafe.
So we need to come back to relationship as the foundation.
And instead of diagnosing the child, try diagnosing the environment. What’s out of alignment? What needs to shift?
[00:26:57] Penny Williams: I love that. That perspective makes it so much clearer.
Tell everyone where they can find you.
[00:27:33] Dr. Vanessa Lapointe: You can find me at drvanessalapointe.com. I also have an anxiety course, a membership community, and I share content regularly on social media to support parents.
[00:28:34] Penny Williams: Amazing. Thank you so much for being here and sharing your wisdom. I know this will help so many families.
Thanks for listening, everyone. I’ll see you next time. Take good care.