368 Preparing for the Back-to-School Transition, Penny

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Penny Williams: Welcome back, everyone. I am so excited to have you here with me, all of you who are just wonderfully caring adults in the lives of a neurodivergent kid. I want to talk to you about back to school. It's the end of July, and I know for me, at that point in the year, I was already bracing.

I was already cringing because I knew school was coming, and school was so hard for my kid, so hard for me, honestly, as well. And so I was bracing. I was trying so hard mentally to stop time, to put it [00:01:00] off, because it was just so hard, and I wanted to protect my kid from those difficulties and really protect myself.

But of course, we can't stop time. I was unable to stop time, and eventually every year went by, and my kid graduated, and now here we are, as a young adult. And over the years, those 13 years of school, doing it with my own kid, it taught me a few things the really hard way. I learned a lot of lessons the really hard way, but that means that you don't have to learn them the hard way too, right?

You don't have to keep trying things and them not work and struggle. Of course, I don't have all the answers. Part of this experience for neurodivergent kids is that environments that aren't made for them are a struggle. We can't completely take that away, but we can [00:02:00] prepare for things to go as smoothly as possible, and I want to share those preparations with you.

I want to share with you what I learned after a lot of trial and error that was really going to help. I have five tips to share with you. All of them you can start today. You don't need any supplies. You don't need any preparation. They are these really easy, quick wins that you can go ahead and get started on for the impending school year, which is going to come no matter how much we might try to will it not to. The first tip that I want to talk to you about is mornings.

I cannot tell you how many parents I have talked to in coaching calls who want help with mornings, and we struggled with mornings as well. There's a lot of executive function required in the morning, and a lot of our neurodivergent kids struggle with [00:03:00] executive functioning. So right there, there's already a likely gap between skill and what's required to be able to manage themselves in the morning on their own.

But we can do things that mitigate that negative impact of executive function deficits, things like visual routine charts. I've talked about the visual routine card that I had for my own kid for mornings many times before, but it really changed everything, and it was the one and only list or chart or checklist that had any positive influence and impact.

So I want you to not try necessarily to systemize the whole morning at once, but pick the single hardest transition. In the mornings, what is it? Is it coming from bed and waking up and getting up? Is it going from eating [00:04:00] breakfast, which is pretty low demand, to then having to put on clothes and get hygiene and get your things prepared?

Is it the transition out the door and onto the school bus or into the car? What is the thing that is the most difficult piece of your mornings right now? And anchor on just that one. Think about what can you do to help whatever is getting in the way in that particular piece of the morning. We have to start small, and we have to get wins where we can get them so that we feel confident to keep going, so our kid feels confident to keep using the tools that we might be trying to provide to them, because their buy-in is the ultimate key, right?

If you have a kid where either that system or tool doesn't work for them or they are not interested in using it, then there is no chance of success there, right? [00:05:00] So pick one piece of the morning to focus on, write down maybe three to five things that you think are getting in the way in that moment, and then take it one step further and think about what could you try that's different.

Because if it's not working, then you have to do something different, right? Bedtime is probably the second most thing that parents talk to me about as a parent coach. Bedtime is really difficult for a lot of reasons, one of which is that going to sleep and staying asleep is often difficult for neurodivergent kids, and many of them are night owls, so asking them to go to bed at a reasonable time is very difficult because their body just doesn't function on that timeline.

Also, some kids have anxiety about going to sleep. They have anxiety about being [00:06:00] left alone in the room, but they also have anxiety about being unconscious and what might happen during that time. And then often they don't want to stop doing fun things to go to sleep. Getting in bed to go to sleep is boring.

Why would you want to do that, right? Unless you are super tired or you can really see the value in getting to sleep or getting to bed earlier, you're going to have a hard time doing it, right? And so we want to start shifting that bedtime routine now for the start of school. Don't wait until the night before the first day to start implementing an earlier sleep schedule.

Now, if you've kept the same sleep schedule all summer long, then you're pretty golden in that aspect. What are other ways that you might help to change the struggle with [00:07:00] bedtime? Sometimes there's a lot of executive function that goes into bedtime too. We have to change our clothes. That means finding our pajamas.

That means putting our dirty clothes where they're supposed to live. That could mean a length of hygiene requirements, brushing teeth, washing face, maybe brushing hair, taking a shower, taking a bath. There are lots of things that sometimes we ask our kids to do at bedtime that will require some executive functioning.

So if they are struggling with the executive functioning, what can you do to try to help with that? Again, think about one spot right now, just one, that is a real hurdle, and brainstorm a few things that might be getting in the way, and then a few things you can do to mitigate those hurdles. The body doesn't just reset on command, so [00:08:00] it's really important if your timing for summer and sleep is different than your timeline for sleep during the school year, that you build in a gradual window to shift and adjust for that.

Gradual is always going to work better than a cold turkey sudden change. It just is. There are also things that can help kids who struggle with sleep biologically, like melatonin, sleepy time tea, weighted blankets, things like that could be really good tools to help you during that time as well. Number three is homework.

Another one of the things that I hear parents seeking help for a lot, but also homework was a huge struggle for us because this kid was fighting all day to keep it [00:09:00] together, to try to meet expectations. He had no capacity when he got home for anything school-related, and also he has dysgraphia, and so he'd been asked to write all day long.

The last thing that he wanted to do was write some more. It was so taxing for him. So let's look at what can be getting in the way of getting homework completed successfully. If it is a daily struggle, we need to first ask, is it motivation or is it a volume or format problem? Most of the time, it's not going to be a motivation issue.

It's really going to be an availability to learn issue. Do I have the capacity? Do I feel like I have enough support or accommodation to be able to do this? [00:10:00] That reframe alone is going to change how you respond when you're struggling with homework. But understand that when a child is not doing homework, they're avoiding, they're refusing, those are signals of a need.

Those are signals of a problem. What is getting in the way? Because kids really do want to please us. They want to do the things that are expected of them. If you're finding that that's not the case, then there's something getting in the way. But I want you to reframe it and think about the fact that it's actually a can't and not a won't.

It's a can't and not a won't, okay? Just that piece alone is going to make things so much more insightful for you. It's going to open your mind in a way that's going to help to guide you toward figuring out what that [00:11:00] problem, that hurdle, actually is. Sometimes it's about getting reduced homework accommodation, because a lot of our kids have slow processing speed, and they should not be punished for that.

So if the teacher for your child expects that they're doing 30 minutes a night on homework, and yet your kid, it's taking them two hours, that's not okay. They need reduced assignments. They should only be required to do 30 minutes as well, not to do the whole assignment until it's done, no matter how long it takes.

Getting creative, leaning into what is your kid's learning style. Are they kinesthetic? Do they need movement? Do they need texture? Do they need more audio? Do they need more visual? How can you adjust homework so that it leans into that and works for them? The fourth tip that I have for you is around school calls and school meetings, because [00:12:00] they're an inevitability for most of our neurodivergent kids.

Some neurodivergent kids are so fearful of getting in trouble that they're able to somehow hold it together, but that's not what we want for our kids. We don't want their behavior to be governed by fear. That is going to harm them. So we want them to be able to feel safe in the environment so that they can be regulated so that we don't have challenging behavior.

But it can be a process to get there, especially if you have a kid with a really sensitive nervous system or who is very easily dysregulated, or maybe they kind of live on the fringe of dysregulation and they're very vigilant. Their nervous system is just right on the edge, hypervigilant all the time.

That kind of thing leads to not meeting expectations at school, which can then lead to those calls and those school meetings, right? So I want you to [00:13:00] first decide about your non-negotiables in a steady, stable moment. Don't do it when you've had that first call from school this coming year or right before you're going to have your first meeting.

That's not the time. Now, when you're feeling pretty safe and comfortable yourself, is when you decide what your non-negotiables are for your kid. Is a non-negotiable that they don't get suspended for behavior or punished for behavior? Is a non-negotiable that they don't get separated from their peers?

Is a non-negotiable that they don't have to do longer homework than their peers? You know, what is it for you that is a hard line in the sand? You need to determine that before you're involved in any conversation. Deciding under [00:14:00] pressure is a mistake. The disagreement may not be a mistake, but getting really reactive and speaking in that reactive space is likely going to be a mistake.

I can tell you from experience, there are many times where I said things in a way, because I was dysregulated, because I was having a hard time, that I wish I had been able to say differently, or wish I could have a do-over on, right? But knowing what your non-negotiables are helps you going into calls or meetings, but I don't want you to be like a robot or a soldier or super inflexible because you have some non-negotiables.

It's not, "Okay, well, these are the things that I must have or my kid must have, and that's what you need to know, and I'm not bending," right? We have to go into it collaboratively, [00:15:00] but knowing where your boundaries are is important. It will help you in those conversations, and it will help you with your advocacy.

And then the fifth and final piece for back to school is overwhelm. I want to help you with overwhelm, and I know I can't erase it completely. But when we are able to get clear about what we need to do, not being anxious before we have things to be anxious about, right, and really timing things so that works for our own nervous system, then things go more smoothly.

You don't need a whole bunch of new systems for the school year. You just need a few things in place that are going to help make that transition smoother. For now, that's just what you need to focus on. [00:16:00] So one thing you could do right now is to pick one spot in your house, and that is now the school info zone.

Everything school information related should be compiled in that spot for you and for your kids, for everyone in the house, this is the school info zone. This is the spot. It could be a basket, it could be a bin, it could be a taped rectangle on top of a bookshelf with a piece of paper there that says, "School info zone."

It could be a basket that hangs on the wall. It could be a magnet on the fridge, a certain magnet that holds all your school info. That might get heavy and become a problem, but it's an idea. So what's going to work for you and your family? Where can you establish that this is the point where all the school info goes?

This is the point where you put your papers that you need me to see or process. This is where I put the [00:17:00] papers that you need to take back to school, or you need to do something with for school, right? And then be open to figuring out the rest of that as you move through the timeline. This is just one thing for one day.

Tomorrow or the day after, you might think about, okay, where is the drop zone, our command center going to be? For us, it was a backpack and a shoe cubby, a hook behind the door and a shoe cubby or a shoe closet, and every time we came in or out of the house, that stuff always went there first.

That way, we weren't looking for a matching shoe for twenty minutes and late for school the next morning, right? So be thinking about other things, but I don't want you to overwhelm yourself. I want you to take it one step at a time. Because here's the [00:18:00] thing, doing this well for your specific kid usually takes more than I can give you in one short podcast, and I would even say it always takes more because we have complex kids, right?

So we need to look at a lot of different things and consider a lot of different things, and there's so many different moving parts, but you can only do what you can do in the moment. So I want you to really break it down, and I want you to be thinking about it now until school starts. Don't wait until the week before or the day before, because then it is going to be a mad scramble, and it will be overwhelming.

If any of that made a lot of sense to you, if any of that sounded like, ooh, this might work, or, oh, that was the permission I needed to slow down and take it one step at a time, that's exactly what the back to school prep [00:19:00] week is, except I'm not just going to tell you my tips and my ideas. We're actually going to sit together on Zoom and build the actual things live together in a group, customized, tailored to your individual kid.

So we're going to design your kid's routine cards, your kid's morning routine, bedtime routine, how that might look, what tools might you use to overcome executive function struggles. We're going to build your scripts for actual school meetings, IEP meetings, 504 meetings. We're going to map out an emotional safety plan.

We're going to work together to create a safety plan for your kid. What would it take at school to help your kid feel safe, to create an environment with cues of [00:20:00] safety that their nervous system needs? What would that look like at home? Let's build it out for your specific kid. We have 14 different workshops, and I believe it is 10 or 11 of them that are live.

11 of them are live together. Each day from noon to 2:00 PM, we tackle two of them, and we tackle it together. So we're doing this in real time together, and everything that's part of Back to School Prep Week is all of the stuff that I wish that I had had at the beginning that I ended up learning the hard way.

I don't want you to learn it the hard way. I don't want you to have a bunch of trial and error. There's going to be some of that because you have to customize this for your kid, but I can help you to prepare for a lot of what is to come in a way that's going to make the transition back to school [00:21:00] smooth and also your school year smoother, and that's what I want for you.

I really want for you to be able to have a breath, take a breath, not freak out, not be overwhelmed, not have so much dread. I want that to be a different experience for you than it was for me in the early years. Many of our parents who came to Back to School Prep Week in 2025 and 2024 said that it was so helpful, that it was a relief, that they felt truly prepared, that they felt at ease more than they had before that.

So it really can make a big difference for you and, of course, for your kid as well. So dates for Back to School Prep Week are August 3rd through the 7th, 2026. Live, we have two different topics that we go through in a two-hour [00:22:00] time block each day. There is a 20-minute break in the middle so that we can get what our nervous systems need.

We can have a break. We can breathe. We can get some food, some water. We can walk around, right? We'll have a break there, but we'll put two topics together to make it easier for you to fit into your schedule. So registration, if you are interested, parentingadhdandautism.com/prep. That's it.

All the information is there. We start Monday, August the 3rd. I would love to see you there, but even if I don't, go through the steps and the tips that I've outlined here in this podcast episode so that you can start to do some of your own prep to make back to school transition a little bit easier for you and your family.

Take good care, guys. I'll see you next time.

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