344: What to Do When You Run Out of Compassion
with Melissa Corkum
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Spreaker | Spotify | iHeart Radio
There’s a moment many of us reach in parenting when the compassion just… runs out. Not because we don’t love our kids, but because our nervous system has been carrying too much for too long. When the meltdowns repeat, the stress never lets up, and every day feels like survival, even empathy can feel impossible.
In this episode, I’m joined by nervous system coach Melissa Corkum to talk about what’s really happening when you feel disconnected, resentful, or emotionally shut down as a parent. We explore a lesser-known but deeply validating concept called blocked care — a biological, protective response in your nervous system that kicks in under chronic stress. This isn’t a failure. It’s not a character flaw. It’s your body trying to keep you alive.
Melissa explains why parenting neurodivergent kids places such intense, ongoing demands on caregivers, and why “just try harder” is the least helpful advice imaginable. We talk about compassion fatigue, how repeated emotional pain changes the brain’s chemistry, and why your system may be pulling resources away from connection in order to survive.
Most importantly, we talk about what actually helps. Not silver bullets or quick fixes, but small, doable ways to begin restoring safety and capacity in your nervous system, starting with self-compassion. From noticing tiny points of joy, to completing the stress response cycle through movement, to releasing the shame that thrives in isolation, this conversation offers relief and hope.
If you’ve ever thought, I don’t recognize myself as a parent anymore, this episode is for you. You are not alone, and nothing about this means you’re doing it wrong.
Listen in for a deeply validating, nervous-system-centered conversation about burnout, blocked care, and finding your way back to yourself.
Many parents of neurodivergent kids reach a point they never expected: the compassion feels gone. Not just strained, but inaccessible. The patience that once came more easily has been replaced with numbness, resentment, or emotional shutdown. And for many, the shame that follows is just as heavy as the exhaustion itself.
According to nervous system coach Melissa Corkum, this experience is far more common — and far more biological — than most parents realize.
“This isn’t something you’re deciding to do,” Corkum explains. “Blocked care is a self-protective mechanism in the nervous system. If you’re experiencing it, there’s a good reason. You’re not a bad parent, and you’re not broken.”
Corkum specializes in caregiver burnout and blocked care, a term originally coined by clinicians Dan Hughes and Jonathan Baylin. Blocked care occurs when a caregiver’s nervous system has been exposed to chronic stress for too long without adequate recovery. Over time, the body shifts into survival mode, reallocating resources away from relational systems like empathy, curiosity, and connection.
“Our bodies are built to survive,” Corkum says. “When stress becomes constant, the nervous system starts acting as if we’re in danger. One of the ways it protects us is by pulling energy away from the systems that allow for ongoing compassionate care.”
For parents of kids with ADHD, autism, anxiety, or other neurodivergent profiles, those stressors are rarely brief. They’re daily. Co-regulation demands, school advocacy, unsafe behaviors, emotional outbursts, and societal pressure compound over time. Even when parents deeply understand that behavior is communication, repeated emotional pain still registers as pain in the brain.
“Emotional pain lights up the same part of the brain as physical pain,” Corkum notes. “If something hurts over and over again, your system learns to avoid it. We don’t judge ourselves for pulling our hand away from a hot stove. But we judge parents harshly for the same protective response.”
One of the most damaging misconceptions, she says, is the belief that the solution is simply to “try harder” to reconnect with your child.
“When a parent is in blocked care, jumping straight to ‘how do I like my kid again?’ can feel invalidating,” Corkum explains. “By the time someone gets here, their nervous system is overwhelmed. The work has to start with compassion for the parent, not fixing the relationship.”
That compassion often begins with naming what’s happening. Corkum says many parents feel immediate relief when they learn the term blocked care. “As soon as there’s a name, the shame starts to melt,” she says. “People realize they’re not the only one. There have been enough parents experiencing this that it has a name.”
From there, healing focuses on restoring a sense of safety and control in the caregiver’s nervous system. One simple practice Corkum recommends is identifying small “points of joy” each day — moments that remind the body that not everything is a threat.
“It might be a hot cup of tea, clean sheets, sunshine on your face,” she says. “Noticing those moments sends a subtle but powerful message to your nervous system: there is still safety here.”
Movement is another critical tool. Completing the stress response cycle — through walking, shaking, stretching, or other physical release — helps the body recognize that a threat has passed.
“After a scary or intense moment with your child, your body is still flooded with stress hormones,” Corkum explains. “If we don’t help that chemistry move through, the system stays stuck.”
Perhaps most importantly, she emphasizes the power of being seen. Shame thrives in isolation, she says, and many parents never voice the thoughts they carry daily.
“When someone finally asks, ‘How are you doing?’ parents often break down,” she says. “They realize how invisible they’ve felt.”
Blocked care isn’t the end of connection. It’s a signal. With understanding, self-compassion, and nervous-system support, capacity can slowly return. Not because parents push themselves harder, but because they finally stop carrying it alone.
Running out of compassion doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means your nervous system has been under sustained stress and is protecting you the only way it knows how. Blocked care is not a failure — it’s a signal that support is needed.
Connection can’t be forced when safety is missing. Before focusing on repairing the relationship with your child, your own nervous system must experience relief, validation, and compassion. Without that, any attempt to “try harder” only deepens burnout.
Small, intentional practices — movement, moments of joy, naming your experience, and reducing unnecessary pressure — help restore a sense of control and safety. From there, capacity can slowly grow again.
Why compassion fatigue and blocked care are biological responses, not personal shortcomings
How chronic stress reshapes your nervous system and emotional availability
Why self-compassion must come before reconnecting with your child
How small moments of joy help rebuild nervous system resilience
What it means to complete the stress response cycle in everyday life
MY GUEST
Melissa Corkum
Melissa Corkum is the CEO and founder of RISE to Regulation as well as a sought-after speaker and author specializing in burnout and the science behind how humans connect. A TEDx speaker, co-author of Reclaim Compassion, and a certified Safe & Sound Protocol and Rest & Restore Protocol Practitioner, she equips audiences with practical tools for nervous system care and resilience so they experience less conflict and more laughter. Offstage, Melissa enjoys social dancing and savoring the half-popped kernels at the bottom of the popcorn bowl.
Resources
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BEAUTIFULLY COMPLEX PODCAST | EP. 344
344 What to Do When You Run Out of Compassion, with Melissa Corkum
Melissa Corkum [00:00:01] I think there’s also a point where we think, surely if I do this, this, or this, it will stop. There has to be a way to stop this cycle. We’re compassionate to a point, and then—we’re human. It’s exhausting to keep having compassion for the same thing over and over again.
Penny Williams [00:00:23] Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I’m Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough—and transformative—this journey can be. Let’s dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. And if you want more support, join our free community at Hub.BeautifullyComplexLife.
Penny Williams [00:00:52] Welcome back, everyone. I’m really excited to have Melissa Corkum here with me. She’s the founder of Rise to Regulation, and today we’re talking about what to do when you run out of compassion—as a parent or an educator.
Parenting neurodivergent kids can be a lot. There’s often more stress, more energy demands, and more to manage. We’re going to talk about why compassion runs out and what we can do when our capacity is gone.
Melissa, can you start by telling everyone who you are and what you do?
Melissa Corkum [00:01:39] Thanks so much for having me, Penny. I’m a nervous system coach. I specialize in burnout, particularly for parents, caregivers, educators, and people who work with kids. I focus on a specific type of burnout called blocked care. I didn’t coin the term—that came from Jonathan Baylin and Dan Hughes—but I help families and professionals navigate this experience.
Like many people in this field, I came to this work through lived experience and seeing a gap in support where there was a lot of need.
Penny Williams [00:02:45] Can you explain what blocked care is?
Melissa Corkum [00:02:49] The most important thing to know is that blocked care is a self-protective mechanism in the nervous system. If you’re experiencing it, there’s a reason. You’re not a bad person, and it’s not a choice you’re making.
Blocked care happens when the nervous system is exposed to chronic stress again and again. We’re often undereducated and under-equipped to complete the stress response cycle. When stress never resolves, the body stays in a state of survival.
For parents of neurodivergent kids—who need co-regulation, accommodations, and constant support—that stress can feel nonstop. Over time, the nervous system starts reallocating resources toward survival. One result is that it pulls energy away from systems that support ongoing compassion and connection.
Penny Williams [00:05:04] That makes sense. A lot of people are familiar with the term compassion fatigue. How does that fit in here?
Melissa Corkum [00:05:31] If we break down the words, compassion fatigue means being tired of caring. We want to be compassionate with our kids, but we’re also fighting cultural messages about behavior and compliance.
When a child is defiant—screaming, refusing, throwing things—it doesn’t feel good to the nervous system. Even when we understand the reasons behind it, compassion takes energy.
At some point, parents think, “There has to be a way to stop this.” And when it doesn’t stop, it becomes exhausting. Emotional pain actually registers in the same part of the brain as physical pain. Just like we don’t keep touching a hot stove, our nervous system learns to pull away from repeated emotional pain.
We stop getting the positive chemical feedback from caregiving. Instead, it becomes a negative loop—and we’re not wired to keep returning to pain.
Penny Williams [00:07:55] That’s the nervous system doing its job—protecting us.
Melissa Corkum [00:07:59] Exactly.
Penny Williams [00:08:00] So when someone recognizes they’re here—when compassion is gone—what’s the first step?
Melissa Corkum [00:08:21] Before answering that, I want to acknowledge that some families are dealing with unsafe or aggressive behaviors. We’re not trying to turn off your nervous system’s protection. If a child is throwing things or becoming aggressive, caution is appropriate.
But what often happens is that the nervous system develops a kind of confirmation bias. Even when the child is regulated and making bids for connection—wanting a hug, for example—the parent’s system stays guarded.
That’s where resilience matters. We want to help the nervous system accurately assess when it’s safe to connect.
One practice I love is called Points of Joy. Each day, notice or intentionally experience seven things that bring you joy. It sounds simple, but it sends a powerful message to your nervous system: there is still control, still safety.
Penny Williams [00:11:24] We’re wired to focus on the hard things. I remember when my son was younger, everything felt terrible—even though there were good moments. I had to train myself to notice them, or my body stayed stuck in “we’re not safe.”
Melissa Corkum [00:11:51] Exactly. Two things can be true at the same time. Parenting can be incredibly hard, and there can still be moments of joy.
Even when the relationship with your child feels strained, there are still things you can control—like a hot cup of tea, clean sheets, sunshine on your face. Those moments help the nervous system remember nuance.
Penny Williams [00:13:58] Without awareness, our body treats everything as a threat.
Melissa Corkum [00:14:14] Yes. We can’t control our kids’ behavior, but we can control how we care for ourselves. That sense of agency is regulating.
Movement is also essential. After a stressful incident, the body needs help releasing stress chemistry. Shaking, walking, stretching—anything that helps complete the stress cycle.
I walk every day, even in the cold. It resets my system.
Penny Williams [00:18:29] Finding small things we control creates balance. We have to be intentional, especially when life feels overwhelming.
Melissa Corkum [00:19:52] And we can choose which battles we engage in. There’s a lot of societal pressure that makes everything feel urgent and important, when maybe it doesn’t have to be.
Penny Williams [00:21:09] That ties into self-compassion. If we’ve run out of compassion for others, we’ve probably been out of compassion for ourselves for a long time.
Melissa Corkum [00:21:39] Absolutely. Thoughts like “I’m a bad parent” or “Why can’t I handle this?” are incredibly common. Shame thrives in isolation.
Self-compassion has to come first. When parents are in blocked care, being told to “reconnect” or “try harder” can feel invalidating.
We have to zoom out and ask: how is your nervous system doing?
Penny Williams [00:24:15] If someone asked me that early on, I would have burst into tears.
Melissa Corkum [00:24:17] That’s what happens. Parents realize how unseen they’ve been. Simply naming blocked care often melts shame away. If there’s a name for it, you’re not alone.
Penny Williams [00:26:04] Community saved me. Having a place where I could say the hard things without judgment changed everything.
Melissa Corkum [00:26:58] That’s why naming this matters so much. As Dan Siegel says, “Name it to tame it.” Just knowing this experience is shared brings relief.
Penny Williams [00:27:42] Where can people find you and learn more?
Melissa Corkum [00:27:54] You can find me on Instagram at @melissacorkum_. My website is RiseToRegulation.com. I also have a free blocked care self-assessment—ten quick questions—that helps parents reflect on where they are.
Penny Williams [00:29:12] I’ll link all of that in the show notes. Thank you for having this important conversation. If we keep pushing feelings away, nothing gets better.
Penny Williams [00:29:58] I see you. You’re doing hard and meaningful work, and you don’t have to do it alone. If this episode helped, share it and leave a review so others can find support too.
hey there!
I help stuck and struggling parents (educators, too) make the pivots necessary to unlock success and joy for neurodivergent kids and teens, themselves, and their families. I'm honored to be part of your journey!
Host of Beautifully Complex. I help stuck and struggling parents (educators, too) make the pivots necessary to unlock success and joy for neurodivergent kids and teens, themselves, and their families. I'm honored to be part of your journey!
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