334 The Real Work of Raising ND Young Adults (Part 2) with Debbie Reber

[00:00:03] Penny Williams: Hi there, friends. I have a really special episode for you today. This is part two of a crossover with my friend Debbie Reber of the Tilt Parenting Podcast. In part one, over on Debbie's show, we talked about what it really means to launch a neurodivergent young adult and how our definition of launching has evolved. We also explored the difference between independence and interdependence and what that looks like in real life. That conversation was so honest and validating—there's no perfection here. Debbie and I are sharing our real-life experiences.
[00:01:02] Penny Williams: If you haven't listened to part one yet, go check it out first, then come back here for part two. Today, we’re talking about boundaries, burnout, and what it looks like to support our kids without losing ourselves. We’ll share the behind-the-scenes support we still give our young adults, the judgment we sometimes face, and how we're learning to trust the long game—the big picture—even when progress looks different.
[00:02:05] Penny Williams: Welcome back to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I’m Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be. Let’s dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together.
[00:02:15] Penny Williams: Debbie, let’s start with what scaffolding support means to you—and what it looks like now that your child is in their 20s.
[00:03:53] Debbie Reber: I love the visual of scaffolding—like when there’s a building under construction. You build supports to keep everyone safe while improvements are being made, then gradually remove them as things stabilize. It’s the same with our kids. We help them build skills and confidence without taking away their agency. I also love the concept of “companioning”—being a Sherpa on their mountain climb. We’re there for safety and guidance, but it’s still their journey.
[00:06:10] Penny Williams: I love that. I’ve used the Sherpa analogy, too. And you’re right—scaffolding isn’t just about structure, it’s about safety. It allows our kids to explore and grow without the fear of collapse.
[00:07:22] Debbie Reber: Exactly. And honestly, there’s a lot more scaffolding in young adulthood than I expected. We think the supports will come down quickly, but in reality, they just evolve. For instance, when my child first went away to university, I had to help with something as simple as ordering dinner on weekends. It was too overwhelming at first, so I handled it, knowing that later I’d fade out support. And now they handle it completely on their own.
[00:12:09] Penny Williams: That’s such a great example. It shows how we can provide temporary support with the intention of handing it back when they’re ready—honoring their timeline, not society’s.
[00:13:57] Debbie Reber: Right. And the line between support and over-helping is always shifting. Every time we figure something out, something new pops up that needs attention. It’s constant recalibration.
[00:14:26] Penny Williams: Same here. When my son went to college, he texted me the first time he did laundry—“How do I do this?” He knew how at home, but it was a new context. That’s when I realized how often I jumped in to fix things. I had to learn to pause and ask, “What do you think the first step is?” instead of immediately solving it.
[00:17:33] Penny Williams: And when parents ask me, “Should I let them fail?” I always say it’s not about failure—it’s about honoring their journey. Growth happens through struggle, but not through abandonment.
[00:20:49] Debbie Reber: Exactly. I don’t even like the word “failure.” Our kids are on their own journey. We can’t predict how it will unfold. Our role is to companion them—not to control or rescue.
[00:22:41] Penny Williams: And while failure can be a teacher, pulling back all support isn’t. The message matters. When we say, “You’re on your own,” they might hear, “My parent gave up on me.” We have to fade support, not drop it.
[00:25:03] Debbie Reber: And that’s tough, especially when society tells us we’re doing too much. But our kids’ timelines don’t fit the traditional mold. Scaffolding looks different for neurodivergent young adults, and that’s okay.
[00:26:12] Penny Williams: Yes. When my son turned 18, he quit therapy. It felt like the floor dropped out from under me. I couldn’t legally be involved in his care anymore, and it was a big adjustment.
[00:27:13] Debbie Reber: Same here. When my child started therapy in the Netherlands, I was disinvited from the session—they said, “This isn’t for you.” It was hard, but necessary. These are skills they have to learn eventually, even if it’s messy.
[00:30:41] Penny Williams: I’ve had people scold me for being too involved—like the DMV clerk who yelled, “I’m not talking to you!” It’s such a reflection of how misunderstood our kids are. We’re often the bridge between them and a world that doesn’t always get it.
[00:33:01] Penny Williams: Let’s talk about our own nervous systems. How do we recover when we overhelp or when our kids push us away?
[00:33:40] Debbie Reber: That’s the hardest part. When there’s a rupture, it feels intolerable at first. I spiral, thinking I’ve ruined our relationship. But over time, I’ve learned I can tolerate the discomfort. It’s just unpleasant, not unbearable. I remind myself that this is part of separation—for them and for me.
[00:36:15] Penny Williams: I feel that, too. Sometimes I get angry—thinking, “I’m your parent, look at what I’ve done for you!” It’s natural, but not helpful. I’ve learned to pause and ask, “Do you want my help, or do you just want me to listen?” That shift has changed everything.
[00:38:11] Debbie Reber: Yes. I try to use declarative language—saying, “I’m here if you need support,” instead of asking directly. It keeps things low-pressure. And when they do invite me in, it feels like such an honor.
[00:39:03] Penny Williams: I’ve learned to simply say, “I see you’re having a hard time. I’m here if you want to talk,” and walk away. Every time, he eventually comes to me when he’s ready. That waiting builds trust.
[00:40:20] Debbie Reber: And we have to really let go—not fake it. Our kids sense when we’re pretending. When we genuinely mean it, they feel the freedom and safety to come to us. That’s where true connection grows.
[00:42:03] Penny Williams: This conversation has been so freeing. We don’t have it all figured out, but we have the foundation—connection, nervous system awareness, and trust that we’ll figure things out together.
[00:43:06] Debbie Reber: Exactly. All the work we do—the regulation, the curiosity, the connection—it all pays off. It’s the long game. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint.
[00:44:53] Penny Williams: For me, success is the relationship I have with my kids. That’s the win. Everything else will come in time because of that foundation.
[00:45:50] Penny Williams: Thank you for listening, and thank you, Debbie, for your honesty and wisdom. You can find part one of our conversation linked in the show notes. Take good care, everyone.
[00:46:40] Penny Williams: I see you. You’re doing hard and meaningful work—and you don’t have to do it alone. If this episode helped you, share it with someone who needs it. When you’re ready for next steps, visit RegulatedKids.com for tools, coaching, and community to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child.