351: ADHD in Kids: Why Understanding Their Brain Changes Everything
with Cate Osborn & Erik Gude
Listen on Apple Podcasts | Spreaker | Spotify | iHeart Radio
There’s a quiet kind of harm that happens when a child doesn’t understand their own brain. It doesn’t show up all at once. Instead, it builds over time as confusion, shame, and the belief that something is “wrong” with them. In this conversation, I sit down with two amazing ADHD adults, Cate Osborn and Erik Gude, to unpack what it really means to grow up with ADHD, and why understanding it early can change everything.
We talk about the very real impact of diagnosis, not as a label, but as a path to self-understanding, support, and safety. Cate shares the long-term emotional toll she sees in adults who weren’t diagnosed or informed as kids, while Erik brings the perspective of being diagnosed young and navigating what that meant for his identity. Together, they offer a balanced, compassionate look at why knowing your brain matters.
We also dive into masking — how it shows up in ADHD, why it’s so exhausting, and how finding your people can change everything. There’s so much hope here, especially when we talk about building community, normalizing conversations about neurodivergence, and helping our kids feel less alone in their experience.
This episode also goes deeper into topics we don’t talk about enough, like safety, risk, self-esteem, and how ADHD impacts relationships, decision-making, and even long-term health outcomes.
Most importantly, this is a conversation about how we, as parents, can become a steady and supportive “North Star” for our kids as they learn who they are.
If you’ve questioned whether diagnosis matters, wondered how to talk to your child about their brain, or sought how to truly support them in becoming who they are, this episode is for you.
Listen now and start shifting the way you think about ADHD.
When a child doesn’t have the language to understand their own brain, they don’t just fill in the blanks… they often fill them with blame and shame.
I see this all the time with neurodivergent kids and adults. Without context, without support, without someone naming what’s actually happening, kids assume the problem is them. They internalize their struggles as personal failures instead of differences in how their brain works. And over time, that misunderstanding can shape their entire sense of self.
This is why conversations about ADHD need to go far beyond behavior.
ADHD is not just about focus or organization. It touches emotional regulation, relationships, self-esteem, decision-making, and even long-term safety. When we minimize it to “just distraction,” we miss the deeper impact, and we miss the opportunity to support our kids in meaningful ways.
One of the most important things we can offer our kids is clarity. Not labels for the sake of labels, but understanding. When a child knows their brain works differently, it opens the door to self-compassion. It gives them a framework for making sense of their experiences instead of internalizing shame.
And yes, that conversation can feel scary. Many parents worry that a diagnosis will limit their child or make them feel broken. But what I’ve seen over and over again is that the absence of that conversation causes far more harm.
Kids will create a story either way. The question is whether that story is rooted in truth or in self-blame.
Another layer that often goes unspoken is masking. Many neurodivergent kids spend their days trying to look “typical,” including monitoring their behavior, suppressing instincts, and constantly adjusting to fit expectations. That effort is exhausting. Over time, it can disconnect them from their authentic selves.
But something shifts as kids grow and begin to find their people. When they discover environments where they are understood and accepted, the need to mask starts to fall away. They can finally exhale.
As parents, we can help create that shift earlier. By encouraging exploration, by expanding their world beyond a single classroom or peer group, and by normalizing conversations about differences, we show them they are not alone.
We also have to be willing to talk about the harder truths. ADHD can impact risk, safety, and long-term well-being. Avoiding those conversations doesn’t protect our kids, rather it leaves them unprepared.
Support, understanding, and open communication do far more to keep them safe than silence ever could.
At the end of the day, our role isn’t to fix our kids. It’s to help them understand themselves, trust themselves, and build a life that works for their brain.
And that starts with what we’re willing to say out loud.
When kids don’t understand their neurodivergence, they often turn that confusion inward. Instead of recognizing differences in how their brain works, they develop beliefs that they are broken, lazy, or not good enough. Naming ADHD creates clarity and self-compassion.
Masking is a hidden layer of exhaustion for many neurodivergent kids. The constant effort to appear “normal” adds cognitive load and stress, often making ADHD symptoms worse. Authenticity and safe relationships reduce the need to mask.
Open, honest conversations about ADHD (including the hard topics) create safety. When we talk about how the brain works, we give kids tools to navigate their world with awareness instead of shame.
What You'll Learn
How understanding ADHD early can shape your child’s self-esteem and identity
Why diagnosis can be a tool for support, not limitation
How masking shows up in ADHD and why it’s so exhausting
Ways to help your child find connection and feel less alone
How open conversations about the brain can increase safety and resilience
MY GUEST
Cate Osborn & Erik Gude
Cate Osborn (she/they), known online as Catieosaurus, is a leading voice on neurodivergence and kink/BDSM. As a certified sex educator and intimacy coach, she specializes in helping neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with ADHD and/or Autism, explore ethical, accessible kinky relationships. With nearly 2 million followers, she hosts the podcast Sorry I Missed This on the Understood.Org network and contributes to Playboy on topics of disability, sexuality, and mental health.Her first book, The ADHD Field Guide for Adults, will be hitting shelves March 2026 from Simon and Schuster. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, GQ, Cosmopolitan, HuffPost, WaPo and more.
Erik Gude, along with Cate Osborn, is an educator and advocate for people with ADHD. He cohosts Catie and Erik’s Infinite Quest: An ADHD Adventure and, with Cate Osborn, and frequently hosts panels about the intersection of ADHD and gaming at conventions, including DragonCon, Emerald City Comic Con, GenCon, MomoCon, and San Diego Comic-Con. Erik’s ADHD Crafting Challenge was a huge success on TikTok with over 20 million views. A former cook, he is now a prop maker and fabricator at the legendary Fonco Studios. Follow him on TikTok and Instagram @HeyGude.
Resources
Some of the resources may be affiliate links, meaning I receive a commission (at no cost to you) if you use that link to make a purchase.
The ADHD Field Guide for Adults, by Cate Osborn & Erik Gude
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Beautifully Complex, Ep. 351
ADHD in Kids: Why Understanding Their Brain Changes Everything, with Cate Osborn & Erik Gude
[00:00:00] Penny Williams: Welcome back, everybody. It is so great to have everyone here listening again. I am super excited for this conversation with Cate Osborn and Erik Gude about their new book, The ADHD Field Guide for Adults.
Yes, we have a lot of parents here listening, but our kids are going to be adults one day, and many of us adults are also neurodivergent. So this is going to be great on so many levels—so informative in so many ways for our listeners.
I was hoping you would start with just letting everybody know who you are and what you do.
[00:00:40] Erik & Cate: Sure. You go first.
Oh man, top billing. Hello, my name is Erik Gude. I am an ADHD educator and advocate and author. I’ve also worked as a baker, a prop fabricator—I’ve worn a lot of different hats. I’m an instrument maker, among other things.
I don’t know, just a general zany guy. Happy to be here.
Are you truly a zany guy if you have to tell people that you’re a zany guy?
No, the zaniness is about to come through.
Okay, the zaniness is about to shine through like Gandalf arriving.
Hi everybody, my name is Cate Osborn. I go by Katie Sous online. I am the straight man to Erik’s zany.
We are the co-hosts of Katie and Erik’s Infinite Quest. I’m also the host of Sorry I Missed This on understood.org, a podcast about women and ADHD and how ADHD affects sex, relationships, intimacy, and more.
I am an author—I guess we can both officially say that now—yeah. I’m a speaker, an educator, a performer, and we’re so happy to be here with you, Penny.
[00:01:48] Penny Williams: Thank you so much. I can tell this is going to be a fun half hour together with lots of real people and real life, so I’m super excited about that.
Can we start with maybe what made you decide to write this book?
[00:02:04] Erik & Cate: We had talked about writing a book pretty early on. Well—actually, let me amend that—we didn’t talk about writing a book, we joked about writing a book when we first started the podcast.
As we started doing more education and advocacy and talks, we’d joke like, “What if we wrote a book?” or we’d say a funny line and be like, “Oh, that’s the title of our book.”
Then I was on a TikTok Live and someone in the comments said, “I love your content—would you ever write a book?” And I said, “Yeah, I guess I could write a book.”
Our literary agent happened to be in the chat at the time, so the next day I got an email saying she’d love to help make that happen.
And then it did happen. Now it exists.
[00:03:12] Penny Williams: What do you think is unique about the book and how you talk about ADHD?
[00:03:33] Erik & Cate: From day one, it was really important to represent both of our experiences.
Erik was diagnosed early and struggled in school. I was a high achiever, loved school, and got my self-worth from it. I wasn’t diagnosed until my 30s, like many women.
Those are two very different experiences, and we wanted both reflected.
We also made the book experimental. It’s not walls of text. It’s not dense scientific explanation. You don’t have to read it start to finish—you can jump around, open to any page.
There are activities, little Easter eggs—things we included intentionally because reading can feel difficult or like a test for people with ADHD.
We wanted it to feel comfortable, empathetic, and approachable.
[00:05:54] Penny Williams: I love that. That’s my kid—anything that feels like school is tough.
Let’s talk about diagnosis…
[00:06:57] Erik & Cate: I have very strong opinions.
I see the harm when kids aren’t diagnosed or aren’t told. They grow up not understanding themselves and feeling broken or wrong.
That impacts relationships, self-esteem, everything.
I never want parents to feel judged—it’s often a compassionate decision—but the ripple effects are real.
Erik: I understand not wanting to label your child. I was diagnosed at 15, and there was a feeling of, “Well, that’s the ballgame.”
But you will have to come to terms with ADHD at some point.
Knowing more is always better.
And it doesn’t have to be doom-based. It can just be: your brain works differently, and we’ll learn how to work with it.
[00:13:05] Penny Williams: Without that, kids create their own story—and it comes with blame and shame.
Let’s talk about masking.
[00:14:14] Erik & Cate: Masking often comes from feeling like you have to fit in.
It’s tied to safety and privilege—if you feel accepted, you mask less.
But masking is exhausting. You’re thinking about eye contact, posture, everything.
That cognitive load can make ADHD symptoms worse.
Erik: There are big masking behaviors and small ones—like eye contact.
As you learn about yourself and find your people, you don’t need to mask as much.
You can say, “I listen better when I’m not looking at you,” and that’s okay.
[00:19:35] Penny Williams: That makes me think about authenticity and finding your people.
[00:20:22] Erik & Cate: I found my people through community activities outside school.
That helped me realize there are people like me.
When kids are only in one environment, it’s easy to feel isolated.
[00:24:22] Penny Williams: How do we help kids feel less alone?
[00:24:22] Erik & Cate: Talk about it. Be open.
When you share your experiences, you give others permission.
You’re helping people realize they’re not alone.
Cate: We also need to talk about harder topics—like how ADHD impacts relationships and safety.
Avoiding those conversations doesn’t protect kids.
Erik: Untreated ADHD is linked to shorter life expectancy and higher risks.
Talking about it and supporting kids can prevent harm.
[00:32:06] Penny Williams: We don’t talk enough about how the brain works with kids.
[00:34:41] Erik & Cate: There’s so much people don’t learn until years later.
We wanted to include those things in the book.
[00:36:34] Penny Williams: What’s the most important thing parents should hear?
[00:36:57] Erik & Cate: Cate: ADHD impacts many areas of life—sleep, eating, addiction, safety.
Understanding it fully can protect your child.
Erik: You are the North Star.
How you talk about ADHD shapes how your child will see themselves.
It’s not good or bad—it just is.
[00:43:01] Penny Williams: What we say becomes their inner voice.
[00:44:09] Erik & Cate: The book is available everywhere—bookstores, libraries, audiobook, ebook.
[00:45:14] Penny Williams: Thank you both so much.
[00:45:41] Erik & Cate: Bye everybody.
hey there!
I help stuck and struggling parents (educators, too) make the pivots necessary to unlock success and joy for neurodivergent kids and teens, themselves, and their families. I'm honored to be part of your journey!
Host of Beautifully Complex. I help stuck and struggling parents (educators, too) make the pivots necessary to unlock success and joy for neurodivergent kids and teens, themselves, and their families. I'm honored to be part of your journey!
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