Penny Williams [00:00:02]: I'm dysregulated. My nervous system has sounded the alarm, and my nervous system has sent my body into action to protect me. And for me, in this moment that looks like hitting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things, but the truth is the signal underneath that is I don't feel safe. I'm trying to protect myself.

Penny Williams [00:00:28]: Welcome to Beautifully Complex, where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams, and I know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh, and if you want more support, join our free community at Hub Beautifully Complex life.

Penny Williams [00:01:00]: Have you ever looked at your child mid meltdown and thought, what on earth is going on here? You're not alone. I've had those moments. And I think every parent that I've worked with has had that moment, too. Sometimes multiple times a day. But here's the thing that most of us weren't taught to believe. Your child's behavior is actually talking to you. Sometimes it talks really loudly, sometimes it's silent or whispers, but it's always talking to you. The real question is, do we know how to listen? If you joined me for the last episode on Animal Instincts, you'll remember that we talked about those nervous system states.

Penny Williams [00:01:55]: The owl, who is regulated, the porcupine who is dysregulated in fight, the cheetah, who's dysregulated in flea or flight, and the possum, who is dysregulated in shutdown. And we talked about how each one shows up in your child's behavior as stress responses. But today I want to pick up right where we left off. Because once you can spot the state, the next step is learning how to decode that state, Decode the signal. And that's what this episode is all about. So let's start with the biggest shift. Behavior isn't random. It isn't manipulative.

Penny Williams [00:02:41]: It isn't oppositional. It isn't defiant, it isn't disrespectful. And it definitely isn't bad. I've said it. There it is. That is the honest truth. It may feel like those things, but it isn't defined as those things. In the last episode, I described how those animal instincts are hardwired nervous system reactions.

Penny Williams [00:03:08]: They're not choices, they're survival patterns. It's about the way our bodies are wired for survival. And that's exactly why behavior can't just Be chalked up to willpower or to a bad attitude. When your kid flips into fight, flight, or freeze, whether they look like that prickly porcupine, whether they're running off like that cheetah or maybe they're tucked away like a possum, that is biology. It is not misbehavior. Their nervous system is sending a loud flashing signal to you. I don't feel safe. Something is too much for me right now.

Penny Williams [00:03:54]: I need your help. I want you to think about this. Kids don't wake up in the morning thinking, how can I ruin my parents day today? They just don't. They wake up like we do. They're hoping things are going to go well. They're wanting to be loved, and they're often very overwhelmed by things that they can't control. If we can hold on to that, reframe that behavior is a signal, then we can start to meet our kids with where they really are. We can meet them where they actually are.

Penny Williams [00:04:33]: Now let's talk about how easy it is to misinterpret these signals. I'll give you a few examples. Let's talk about defiance. When your child refuses to do what you've asked, it can feel like disrespect. But often defiance is a signal of overwhelm or a lack of safety. And what is a lack of safety? It is dysregulation. Their nervous system is saying to you, this feels like too much. I need more support before I can move forward.

Penny Williams [00:05:08]: Think about defining how things feel in a different way instead of saying, my kid refused to do this thing and so they're disrespecting me. Say, my kid is struggling with this right now and it's coming out in ways that don't feel good to me because their nervous system is sounding the alarm. If we think about laziness, maybe your child avoids homework or chores and it looks like they just don't care. But what if that laziness is actually an executive function? Struggle, maybe the steps feel like a mountain and they have no idea where to start. So that signal is actually saying to you, I need scaffolding. Help me break this down. I need your help with something. If we think about aggression, hitting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things, these are really classic fight state behaviors.

Penny Williams [00:06:18]: I'm dysregulated. My nervous system has sounded the alarm and my nervous system has sent my body into action to protect me. And for me, in this moment, that looks like hitting, yelling, throwing things, breaking things. But the truth is the signal underneath that is I don't feel safe. I'm trying to protect myself. It is self preservation. It is trying to stay alive. Honestly.

Penny Williams [00:06:49]: That's the way our biology was created, to keep us alive. Our autonomic nervous system's number one job is to keep us alive. And so it is going to do whatever it feels it needs to do in order to do that. And sometimes those things look like defiance, aggression, laziness, misbehavior, disrespect, opposition, Right? But we have to change the narrative around that and reframe the behaviors.

Penny Williams [00:07:24]: If you've been listening for a while, you're familiar with my Back to School.

Penny Williams [00:07:28]: Prep week, where I set neurodivergent kids.

Penny Williams [00:07:31]: And their families up for success, right?

Penny Williams [00:07:33]: When the school year starts. There's another podcast that will help you navigate the rest of the school year.

Penny Williams [00:07:40]: It's called Opportunity Gap, and it's all about special education.

Penny Williams [00:07:44]: Let's be real. All Those acronyms alone, IEP, 504, FBA, BIP can be overwhelming. All you want is for your kid to have the opportunity for success, right? You'll hear from special educators, child psychologists, and other learning experts who know their stuff and give you realistic advocacy tools. I listened to Opportunity Gap and I was blown away. Julian Saavedra and his guests break it down in simple terms, highlight where to focus your energy, and give you simple steps to advocate efficiently. So if you've ever walked out of a school meeting wondering what just happened, go search for Opportunity Gap in your podcast app. That's Opportunity Gap. Let's talk about a few quick examples.

Penny Williams [00:08:47]: My own kid struggled with school refusal for eight very long years. He dug in, he screamed, he refused to get in the car at home sometimes. When? Or he refused to get out of the car at school sometimes. One day he even tried to open the door and get out of the moving car in the middle of a five lane intersection because we were about to reach school. On the surface, it really looked like a whole lot of defiance, like a whole lot of I don't want to go to school, so I'm not going to go to school. You can't make me. That's what it felt like. That's what it looked like.

Penny Williams [00:09:26]: But underneath there was a body and that body was screaming, school feels unsafe. Sometimes it was bullying, sometimes it was other social struggles. Sometimes it was sensory overload, sometimes it was anxiety. But there was always a reason underneath it. Often it was because no one understood how hard he was trying. That was it. He just wanted to be seen, heard and understood if you have more than one kid, you might have some sibling fights. You might have two kids who are yelling, pushing, grabbing toys.

Penny Williams [00:10:05]: What does that look like? On the surface, it looks like meanness, looks like selfishness, looks like a kid who's bossy. But underneath, the signal is saying to you, I feel out of control and I don't know how to get my needs met. I don't know how to get my needs met. That is something you can take and run with, right? That is something that gives you information about why this thing is happening and how to change that behavior in that trajectory. If we think about the example of homework battles, there's often yelling, shouting, tears, refusal. My kid would wad up and throw away his homework papers because worksheets were just too much. On the surface, it felt like it was laziness. It felt like disrespect.

Penny Williams [00:10:57]: It might feel like a whole lot of different things. You can interpret that and tell yourself a lot of different stories about that behavior. But underneath is executive function, struggles, anxiety, maybe even shame from repeated failure. It could be a learning disability getting in the way. There's so many reasons why homework can be a struggle for kids and why they might lash out because of that struggle. But again, it's because of that struggle underneath. It isn't just because they want to give you a hard time. They want to make your life miserable.

Penny Williams [00:11:37]: They don't care about school. They don't care about their grades. None of that is true. Kids do well if they can. When they don't do well, it is on us to figure out what the need is. That is our job as the parent. That is our job as the caregiver. It's our job, if we're the educator, to figure out what the need is.

Penny Williams [00:11:59]: What is the signal that this behavior is sending me and how can I help? When you start to see these patterns of what lies underneath, then you're able to realize that the behavior isn't actually the problem. It is simply the signal. So how do we shift? How do we begin to respond differently? Instead of asking, how do I stop this behavior? How do I control this kid? I want you to try asking, what is the behavior telling me about what my kid needs right now? Or what is this behavior telling me about what my student needs right now? That one shift in your mindset is going to change everything. It moves us from control, trying to control that situation, that behavior, to curiosity, from punishment to problem solving, from firefighting to prevention. We're shifting from being reactive to proactive. Who doesn't want that. That's what we all want. And the really beautiful part of this is that your child feels the difference.

Penny Williams [00:13:17]: They will feel the difference and they will feel seen. They will feel understood. And that changes how our nervous system feels. It makes things more doable. It makes logic potentially doable. It makes processing what your parent is saying to you potentially doable. It builds the trust that makes real change possible. So here's what I want you to take with you today.

Penny Williams [00:13:51]: To take with you after you finish listening. Every meltdown, every shutdown, every outburst has a message. When you stop seeing behavior as something to fix and you start seeing it as something to listen to, to tune into, to decode, you're going to unlock a whole new way of parenting. I promise you. Your family will exhale and things will be different. Different. It will take time to make these shifts. It will take time for your kid to even trust these shifts.

Penny Williams [00:14:30]: If you're in a pattern of lecturing when things go wrong, reactivity when things go wrong with punishing or consequences, it's going to take a while for your kid to even be able to trust that this shift is genuine. But it is going to change everything. Of course, once you start decoding the signals, the real question then becomes, okay, now how do I respond in ways that are going to support regulation instead of adding fuel to the fire? We don't want to co escalate with our kids. We want to co regulate. We want to offer them that steady anchor to attune to. This is exactly what the upcoming Behavior SOS Summit is all about. Four days, October 10th, 13th, 26 experts are going to give you the tools, scripts, strategies to respond to what your child's behavior is signaling. They're going to help you learn to decode the signals and then give you the tools to do what comes next so that change can happen with challenging behavior.

Penny Williams [00:15:46]: It's completely free to join us October 10th through 13th, but if you want lifetime access plus extra coaching and implementation lab, you can grab an all access pass. That's completely up to you, but you can participate 100% free. Head to parentingadhdandautism.comsummit to save your spot. So between now and when the summit happens, what can you do? Work on this mindset. Shift behavior isn't the problem. Behavior is a signal. What is the signal trying to tell me? What is my kid having a hard time with? What help do they need from me? You can find the show notes for this [email protected] 328 for episode 328. I will have the Summit registration linked up there as well.

Penny Williams [00:16:49]: And I really hope to see you in the Summit, but I will definitely see you next time on Beautifully Complex. Take good care.

Penny Williams [00:17:01]: I see you. You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it and leave a quick review so others can find this support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is here with the tools, coaching and community to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more [email protected].