Penny Williams [00:00:02]: It's not perfection. It's not precision. It's not saying just the right thing. It's matching the need. We're getting a signal of need through that animal instinct. And we need to match that signal that we're getting.

Penny Williams [00:00:20]: Welcome to Beautifully Complex where we unpack what it really means to parent neurodivergent kids with dignity and clarity. I'm Penny Williams and I know firsthand how tough and transformative this journey can be. Let's dive in and discover how to raise regulated, resilient, beautifully complex kids together. Oh, and if you want more support, join our free community at Hub BeautifullyComplex Life.

Penny Williams [00:00:53]: Let's start by taking a breath together. In. Out. Now imagine this. Your child is melting down before school. And every tool you reach for slips through your fingers. You hear the clock, you see the backpack. You feel your body tense up.

Penny Williams [00:01:15]: It's tempting to label that moment defiance of reaction, attention seeking. But what if. What if what you're seeing isn't a character flaw? What if it's nature speaking? Today we're talking about animal instincts. Your child's built in survival system and how decoding it changes everything. We all have the same built in survival system. So this isn't just about our kids. It's also about us, the adults in their lives. Because behavior isn't the problem, it's the signal.

Penny Williams [00:01:54]: Behavior isn't the problem, it's the signal. And when you learn to follow it, you change the story for your entire family. I like to teach this through four animal guides. Lumi the owl is a steady watchful state where learning and connection are possible. Prickles. The porcupine is our fight response. Where energy surges outward like quills. That instinctual putting up the quills, putting up a barrier of protection.

Penny Williams [00:02:28]: Right Bolt. The cheetah is our flight response. Where energy sprints away from the threat. Where we are running, we are fleeing and tuck. The possum is the freeze or shutdown response. Where stillness protects and conserves. These aren't just cute metaphors. They're shared language for what the nervous system is doing underneath the behavior.

Penny Williams [00:02:53]: Those roots that you can't always see thriving starts in the nervous system for all of us. For us, for our kids and every human. Once you can spot the state, you can support the child. Here's the quiet truth. Our kids behavior often makes perfect sense. Once you dig deeper and you understand their body's alarm system. You're not raising a problem to fix. You're raising a nervous system to understand.

Penny Williams [00:03:27]: When we parent with signal parenting Seeing behavior as a signal rather than a problem. We stop wrestling with the surface and we start tending the roots. We're digging deeper and we're finding out what is fueling this behavior. Why is it happening? Regulation unlocks relief and growth, keeps that relief and momentum going. Today, I'm going to give you clear snapshots of each animal, how to spot the animal, what it needs, what to say, and some tiny adjustments that make big differences. You can also take the Animal Instincts quiz and find out which animal instinct is most present for your kid and what it means. And get strategies specific for that animal, that instinctual response that will help you with your particular kid. That's at parentingadhdandautism.com quiz so let's start with looking at Lume, the state we're aiming to visit as often as possible.

Penny Williams [00:04:35]: No one is regulated all the time, so we cannot be Lumi all the time. Lumi sounds like curiosity. Lume looks like a relaxed jaw, a steady breath, and it feels like, I can try. I can do this. This is when your child can collaborate, they can problem solve, and they can reflect. If you want to invite Lumi, invite regulation. Keep routines rhythmic, not rigid. Offer choices with boundaries.

Penny Williams [00:05:08]: You might say first backpack, then your song. In the car, you can use visual anchors like a simple morning routine card, a a feelings thermometer or a feel need. Do Bullseye, for example, project transition time like Treasure. A five minute warm up can change the entire morning. Try it today by saying this. Your body looks settled. Want to pick the blue marker or the green one to check off your list with Prickles Prickles shows up when your child's system says stand your ground. You might see tight fists.

Penny Williams [00:05:49]: They might be speaking with fast words. They might raise their voice, have a louder voice. The face might have a prickly expression before you even say a word. This isn't disrespect, it's defense. It's the nervous system saying, I don't feel safe and I'm going to fight to protect myself. Prickles need space and sturdy presence. You're the tall tree in a windstorm. You might bend a little, but you're not going to break.

Penny Williams [00:06:21]: You're not going to snap. Predictable exits for energy. You can do a wall push, chair squishes, carry something that's really heavy with weight, chew on something crunchy or tap a drum. Get a drumbeat going and you want clear and fewer words. This is really important, folks. When your kid is dysregulated, which prickles and bolt and tuck are all Dysregulated. If you have a dysregulated kid, you need less talking. Your opinions are going to be gasoline for prickles.

Penny Williams [00:07:04]: You are going to escalate the situation. Something you might say, I'm here. Your body feels big. Let's give it a job to do. Wall push for a count of 10. I'll count with you. We'll talk. When words feel safe again, I'll stay close again.

Penny Williams [00:07:22]: You need to know your kid. If your kid doesn't want you to stay close when there are prickles, then you can say, I'm going to go in the other room. But I'm here if you need me, right? So tweaking it however you can for your specific kid. These are general ideas to tweak the environment for prickles. You can keep something you might call a strength station. It might have therapy putty. Those hand grippers that exercise hands. Yoga mat.

Penny Williams [00:07:49]: A heavy book to hold. Or maybe some little at home weights to hold. Something that has some real heft to it. Decide ahead of time. A signal for getting a break from conversation. Maybe it's a hand over a heart. Maybe you have a card that says I need to pause. Maybe you just tug on your ear and that's a signal between you that a break is needed from the conversation.

Penny Williams [00:08:19]: It doesn't mean that you can't come back to. Just means there needs to be a break at that moment and then you want to repair later. Repair happens when Lumi returns. You could say your body was protecting you. What did it need right before prickles showed up. Then you're getting to the root of what the need was. What was that behavior? Signaling. Because it's signaling a need.

Penny Williams [00:08:46]: When we have Bolt, the cheetah. Bolt says get me out of here. You'll see. Maybe darting eyes looking for exits. Like fidgeting hand. Maybe kicking of the legs. Avoidance. Avoidance is a big one.

Penny Williams [00:09:01]: Humor as a shield. Or speed. Maybe they're moving, talking or thinking really really fast. It isn't irresponsibility. They're not trying to get out of doing something. It's escape for self preservation. Bolt needs exit options without punishment. Exit options without punishment.

Penny Williams [00:09:24]: Movement that organizes but doesn't overwhelm. A short run to the mailbox. Scootering down the hallway. Maybe at school they get to deliver this note job. They need to take a note to the office or to the guidance counselor. You're going to narrow things down. One step and then a reset. You could say something like your legs want to go.

Penny Williams [00:09:49]: Let's give Them a safe path, Mailbox and back. We'll do the first line together and then take a break. Or it's okay to take space. I'll be by the door when you're ready. No pressure. We never want to pressure. When kids are dysregulated, it only makes them more dysregulated. Environmental tweaks for bolt could be a visible sort of safe lane for for transitions.

Penny Williams [00:10:15]: Maybe you put some tape on the floor from the bedroom to the bathroom. Or you do a hop and spot path. You might tape out a cozy corner. Timers your child controls can be a good tool, but your child needs to control it. You might say press start when your body says I'm ready. Ish, right. Don't have to be all the way runny. But when they're starting to feel more ready, they can set a timer for how much longer they think it might take.

Penny Williams [00:10:46]: The timer goes off and they're still not ready. That's okay. And you need to offer that language and that permission as well. Again, as with every state of dysregulation, we want to repair later when Lumi returns. When your feet wanted to run, what felt like it was too much. How can we make that smaller next time? How can we make that doable next time? And then finally we have Tuck. Tuck is our quiet protector, our possum. It might look like stillness, blank stares, a soft I don't know or I'm fine when they're really not.

Penny Williams [00:11:26]: It's not laziness, it's conservation. Conservation of energy and self protection. Again, what Tuck needs is safety without demand. Warmth through the senses. Something that sounds or smells or feels cozy. Maybe a weighted lap pad. Soft lighting, familiar scents. Sometimes they don't have to be a cozy scent, but if they're familiar, they're soothing.

Penny Williams [00:11:56]: And of course a low demand presence. Start very, very small when a kid is in that tuck state of freeze or shutdown. Just think about the first millimeter. You might say, I see the stillness. We can be slow. I'll sit here, tap my knee when you want some water. Or let's start with the tiniest step. Cap off the marker.

Penny Williams [00:12:24]: That's all you have to do to tweak the environment. For a kid who often is dysregulated into this freezer shutdown state, you can create a soft corner. Might have a low or cozy chair, a knitted blanket or a soft blanket. Noise reducing headphones or earmuffs. Maybe one single fidget or regulation tool. And you want to keep language visible. Write One word, point to one thing, nod to one thing, or nod in agreement and then again repairing. Later, when Lumi returns, you might say your body got quiet to protect you.

Penny Williams [00:13:08]: Which part felt safest? The blanket? The corner? The quiet. Let's remember that for next time. Remember that a kid who is in fear that freeze or shut down state. Tuck the possum. They may look compliant and they may look like everything is okay and it is not internally. So you need to learn how to spot. When a kid isn't just being compliant, they're actually dysregulated and not doing well and they need some help.

Penny Williams [00:13:46]: If you've been listening for a while, you're familiar with my Back to School Prep week where I set neurodivergent kids and their families up for success, right?

Penny Williams [00:13:54]: When the school year starts, there's another.

Penny Williams [00:13:57]: Podcast that will help you navigate the rest of the school year. It's called Opportunity Gap and it's all about special education.

Penny Williams [00:14:05]: Let's be real.

Penny Williams [00:14:06]: All Those acronyms alone, IEP504FBA, BIP can be overwhelming.

Penny Williams [00:14:13]: All you want is for your kid.

Penny Williams [00:14:15]: To have the opportunity for success, right?

Penny Williams [00:14:17]: You'll hear from special educators, child psychologists.

Penny Williams [00:14:21]: And other learning experts who know their stuff and give you realistic advocacy tools. I listened to Opportunity Gap and I was blown away. Julian Saavedra and his guests break it down in simple terms terms highlight where to focus your energy and give you.

Penny Williams [00:14:41]: Simple steps to advocate efficiently. So if you've ever walked out of.

Penny Williams [00:14:46]: A school meeting wondering what just happened, go search for Opportunity Gap in your podcast app. That's Opportunity Gap.

Penny Williams [00:15:04]: When you're unsure about what animal instinct there might be, you can sort of scan some things quickly and get a good idea. When we think about the eyes, if the eyes are locked on you, that's probably fight, that's prickles. If the eyes are scanning exits, that might be Bolt looking to flee. If eyes are sort of glazed or not really focused on something, that could be tuck the possum in that freeze state. If the eyes are engaged, then they might be Lumi and they might be regulated with the breath. They're often in fight or flight like prickles or Bolt. If their breath is fast or high. If you can barely tell that they're breathing.

Penny Williams [00:15:55]: If it's really shallow or really quiet, they may be in that freeze state. If the breath is steady, then we're back with Lumi the owl who's regulated. We can take a look at our kids muscles and try to determine what state they're in. If the muscles are coiled or maybe clinched, right? That's fight, that's prickles. If they're springy or edgy, they're kind of ready to get moving. You can sort of tell that. And that would be flight, the cheetah. If they seem sort of heavy, that is the freeze state.

Penny Williams [00:16:37]: And if they seem flexible, ready to move to whatever might be happening, to adapt to the situation, they're probably regulated like Lumi. We can also get some clues through our kids. Words, sharp words are that fight sense. Rapid or avoidant words are gonna be flight. Flat or no talking or language or intonation might be freeze. And then if a kid seems curious, then they're regulated because it feels safe to be curious. And that would be Lumi. They could have sort of this different protest style that would signal different nervous system states.

Penny Williams [00:17:23]: If they sort of push back in protest, that's fight. If they sort of move away, if they try to avoid, that's often flight shutdown. If they just completely don't engage in protest, then we're in that freeze or shutdown state. And if they try to negotiate, they might be loomy. They might be regulated and able to have this conversation and to take some risk within that conversation. Name the animal that comes to mind first and then meet that state on purpose with intention. I'm going to paint a scene that I think many of us know. Getting out in the door in the morning and your child is refusing to put on socks or shoes or both.

Penny Williams [00:18:11]: You're feeling the time crusher. You're feeling that your own animal is starting to get keyed up inside of you. And you might at some point in time yell or snap, put your shoes on now. But we need to shift that right, because we're understanding that that behavior isn't necessarily intention. It's a nervous system response. It's a signal. So our new script might be, I'm going to spot the state. Who are those quills? Are they fast feet? Are they quiet eyes? Which animal instinct might have taken control at this moment for my kid today, let's say, for example, it's bolt.

Penny Williams [00:18:58]: Eyes are scanning, toes are tapping. You might kneel to lower the social load. Get closer to eye level. You don't have to insist on eye contact. You don't need to get in your kid's space if that's not comfortable for them. But if you get more on the same level, it's going to reduce the social load. You might say, it looks like your legs want to move. Let's race just to the Shoes by the door, ready, set.

Penny Williams [00:19:29]: And your kid might already be running because that's what their nervous system is already telling them that they need to be doing. Then once they get to the shoes, you might offer some choices. Do you want Velcro or slip ons today? Do you want boots or sneakers? And then your nervous system stays with them, sort of like a lighthouse or an anchor. Shoes happen not because you engaged in a battle, not because you won the power of control, but because you followed those signals with what your kid needed and what was going on internally for them. That's the shift. It's not perfection. It's not precision. It's not saying just the right thing.

Penny Williams [00:20:15]: It's matching the need. We're getting a signal of need through that animal instinct and we need to match that signal that we're getting. Here's some alternatives that meet each animal without inflaming it, without escalating that dysregulation. So instead of saying stop yelling, try, your voice is big, let's give it a job. Roar into the pillow five times. Or instead of don't walk away from me, try take 10 steps to the wall, touch it and come back. I'll count for you. Or instead of answer me, you're not listening, answer me.

Penny Williams [00:20:57]: I'll put my hand here and wait with you. You might put your hand on their shoulder. Blink if you think a drink of cold water would help. Instead of saying, use your words, which, oh my gosh, I said to my kids a million times because that's what the parenting books tell you to do, but it's not so helpful. So we're not going to say use your words. We're going to try saying point to yes or no. We'll start there. You might say, thumbs up for yes, thumbs down for no.

Penny Williams [00:21:29]: These aren't loopholes, they're nervous system savvy pathways back to connection choice capacity, which is regulation. We can't ignore our own instincts either. We have the same nervous system. Maybe your porcupine pops up when a teacher emails or the phone rings and you're pretty sure it's going to be the school calling. Maybe your cheetah sprints when the morning slips away. Maybe your possum goes quiet after a tough argument in an IEP meeting. Here's a compassionate rhythm that I want you to practice. Spot your state without judgment.

Penny Williams [00:22:11]: My quills are out. Not, oh my gosh, I'm angry and I shouldn't be angry. And shame on me, right? No blame and shame, just stating matter of factly my quills are out. Then give your body a job. A wall push. You can pace in a loop. You can wash your hands in cold water. You might hum.

Penny Williams [00:22:32]: And then narrate safety. You can narrate in your head. You don't have to say it out loud, but you need to narrate safety. I can be the tall tree. I don't have to solve this in one breath. This is temporary. Then choose the smallest. Next right thing.

Penny Williams [00:22:50]: It's all about small steps. The message to yourself is the message you give your child. You are not broken. You are adaptive. You don't need a full overhaul, folks. Choose one tiny action and repeat it until it sticks. Maybe in the morning preview. Which animal do you think might show up this morning? What would help it to feel safe? Maybe a doorway.

Penny Williams [00:23:17]: Reset. You put your hand to your heart at the thresholds of your doorways. Bedroom to kitchen, Car to school. And exhale. Once together, you could do a strengths station. Put two regulating tools where the friction often lives. Is it by the backpack hook? Is it near the homework spot? Keep these tools ready in places where they might be useful so they can be used before we get to intensive dysregulation. You could do a Lumi.

Penny Williams [00:23:50]: Check in at bedtime. When did your owl visit today? When did you feel like Lumi? And then let their brain tag safety before they sleep. That's a good part of the day if they were regulated. Small hinges swing big doors. We can take small steps to make big change. Repair doesn't require lectures. It doesn't require consequences nor punishments. It just asks for reflection and rehearsal.

Penny Williams [00:24:25]: Also, you might think ritual there. Then you can reflect. What did your body feel first? Was it hot hands? Fast feet? Heavy chest? You can give them options, but don't assume that you know the answer. Let your kid decide and then name the need. That sounds like Prickles needed a job to do. And you might model that for them. Stand up, push the wall together, count to five and then high five. There's always bonus points.

Penny Williams [00:24:59]: There's always more movement in the right direction with co regulation. Model it, do it together. And then you want to appreciate effort. Always appreciate effort. You noticed really early. That's brave work. That was a really great job. You noticed that Prickles was lingering and wanted to come out.

Penny Williams [00:25:23]: And you reached into your bag of tools. You reached into your toolbox and you did something that was going to help you. We are 1000% not chasing compliance. This is not about compliance in any way, shape or form. We're building capacity because that's the kind of growth that lasts some days. Even the best strategies aren't going to work, folks. Some days none of this is going to work. And, and it's just a day where there wasn't enough capacity.

Penny Williams [00:25:54]: It's not because you did it wrong. It's because the nervous systems are living, breathing things. And this world can be a lot for any of us. And it can especially be a lot for neurodivergent kids on those days, those days when none of this works and it's just so hard. Your one and only job is to be present. You can't always change the weather, but you can be the anchor in the storm. You can be that steady presence. But you're also allowed to take a beat.

Penny Williams [00:26:31]: You can spend a few extra minutes in the bathroom. You're allowed to ask your kid for a do over. You're allowed to be a human being in front of your little human. And I encourage it. I am 100% for making sure that your kids see that you are human too. That vulnerability doesn't weaken your authority. It deepens your connection. And the connection is the cornerstone of everything.

Penny Williams [00:27:03]: Animal instincts are kind of giving us a compass. Lumi reminds us of what's possible. Prickles shows us the strength beneath the spikes. Bolt teaches us that movement is wisdom, not misbehavior. And Tuck tells us that silence is protection, not defiance. And you, the parent, are the steady guide who sees those roots. You're seeing what's underneath, and you are nurturing and caring for that. If you want a simple way to discover your kid's most common state and get tailored strategies, you can take the animal instincts quiz that I mentioned earlier.

Penny Williams [00:27:45]: This is for all ages, not just for young kids. You don't have to talk to your kid with this animal language. You can use the other language. So instead of prickles, you know your porcupines coming out. You can just say you're getting prickly. That part of your nervous system is trying to protect you. So this is for all ages. The quiz [email protected] Quiz it's quick.

Penny Williams [00:28:13]: Less than five minutes. It's free. And I designed it to help you spot the state and meet the need without the constant guesswork. If you're ready to go deeper, there's always the Regulated Kids Project, which gives you a rhythm of growth, communities and support and tools that actually fit real life. Because I know thriving starts in the nervous system and that regulation and emotional intelligence lead to thriving. There is no other path. Thank you all for being here for listening today. If this episode gave you a little breath of possibility, I hope you'll share it with a friend or a family member who might need that same big exhale.

Penny Williams [00:28:57]: If you're loving the show, it helps so much when you follow rate and leave a review. That's how more families can find this support. I'll see you in the next episode. Take good care. I see you.

Penny Williams [00:29:11]: You're doing hard and meaningful work and you don't have to do it alone. If you found this episode helpful, share it with someone who needs it and leave a quick review so others can find this support too. When you're ready for next steps, the Regulated Kids Project is here with the tools, coaching and community to help you raise a more regulated, resilient child. Get more info@regulated kids.com.