Dr. Gila [00:00:03]: Whether you're divorced or widowed or single parent by choice, in your home, you can decide what you want your relationship to look like with your kids. It is sometimes a little overwhelming to hear that because I'm not gonna lie, it is a big responsibility. And it is, I think, really empowering because it means that there is something within our control that we can do to create the relationship in the home that we want.

Penny Williams [00:00:34]: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex, everybody. I am really thrilled to have doctor Gila here with me to talk about single parenting and probably a lot of single motherhood, I would imagine. And it's something that I realized that I haven't covered in all the years of this podcast, but so so important because so many people out there are parenting kind of alone, not really alone, but probably feels very lonely. And so doctor Guila is gonna give us a lot of tips and strategies and insights on sort of making the most, I think, of single parenting and single motherhood.

Penny Williams [00:01:41]: So will you start by introducing yourself and let everybody know who you are and what you do in the world?

Dr. Gila [00:01:47]: Yeah. Thank you so much for having me and also for making space for this topic. Because like you said, I think it's it's often an overlooked topic, and I have to say when I first went into coaching, I wasn't sure whether to really focus on this, and I became more and more passionate about it partly because there isn't a lot of focus in a lot of places. And, also, every time I say I'm a single parent, the person says either, I'm a single parent too, or, oh, my best friend is a single parent, or my sister is going through a divorce, or I'm partnered, but I sure as heck feel like a single parent. Right? So I get that a lot, and so I think that this is something that we don't talk about enough, and that is something worthy of attention. So thank you for making space for that. Yeah. So I am a single mom.

Dr. Gila [00:02:37]: I started my career actually as a psychologist and a neuropsychologist, and you know, what I like to tell people is that even with all of my fancy degrees and experience and all of that stuff, single parenting has still been challenging. So if it's challenging for you, I want you to hear that that is, you know, not that I'm the epitome, but, you know, it's absolutely common. It's absolutely understandable. It makes sense. And so I took a deep dive. My son was, you know, having a lot of challenges, sort of thrown his way by life and also, like, temperamental stuff that I wasn't sure how to handle, and so I took a deep dive into figuring out really how to best parent him the way that he needed and in the context of me being a single parent. So I did a lot of work, and in that process became really passionate about supporting other parents. And so I became a certified parent coach, and I'm also a certified clinic coach.

Dr. Gila [00:03:38]: And, yeah, I just love supporting parents and increasingly, you know, really addressing this topic of single parenting.

Penny Williams [00:03:45]: Yeah. It's funny that we don't talk about it enough, and yet it is so so common. You know? I mean, it's so common. Mhmm. And you need support. Like, I can imagine that is a really lonely existence if you let it be. And, you know, in a lot of my coaching work, I get parents speaking up saying, but, you know, I don't have that second person to give me a break when I need a break. I don't have, you know, a backup to leave the house and take care of myself, and what do I do then? And because I don't live that, I don't know those resources, and so I'm so super happy that we're gonna share them today.

Dr. Gila [00:04:29]: Yeah. And that's exactly one of the main reasons why I want to talk about single parenting. So I had this one day actually towards the beginning of, my coaching career, and I was on Instagram. I hadn't done a lot of social media before then, and I, for whatever reason, stumbled on 3 reels back to back that each had something that was potentially triggering for single parents or not supportive for single parents. Right? So messaging about, like you said, right, tag your partner and have more balance in your partnership or the importance of having an active dad in your kid's life or the importance of modeling healthy relationship with your partner. Right? So and these are all absolutely important and valid topics and should be addressed. And when you're a single parent and you're looking for parenting support, it's like I think there's so many beautiful, like, truly beautiful parenting resources out there, which I'm so grateful for, both as a parent and as a parent coach. But then there's these little landmines.

Dr. Gila [00:05:37]: Yeah. Right? So most of the parenting support is universal. Right? We all want to work on self regulation and self care and how to handle tantrums and how to meet our kids' needs and communication. All of those things are applicable to partnered, single, whatever. And then so you're you're there engaging with that more general content, and then there's these little, like, zingers of reminder that you are different, that you don't have some of the resources that people are assuming that you have, or your family doesn't look the way people are assuming it looks. And that's true. You know, single parenting, I feel like, is one flavor of that. I think a lot of parents of neurodivergent kids feel that way.

Dr. Gila [00:06:22]: Right? So parents who have differences in their family than, a, maybe it's typical and people often talk about, and, b, different than probably what you expected. Right? So most people don't grow up daydreaming about being a single parent. Right. This isn't usually I'm not gonna say ever, but it's not usually what you expect, plan, hope for. Right? So there's this adjustment both in terms of where you fit in in society and your own internal adjustment to what your life looks like compared to maybe what you thought it would look like.

Penny Williams [00:07:03]: And I imagine too when you see that messaging, and it isn't meant for single parents, it feels like that, you know, sort of bomb as you're scrolling. It can lead to blame and shame if you let it. Right? Right. Why does my parenting look different? What did I do to get here? Right? And we, of course, don't want that.

Dr. Gila [00:07:26]: Yeah. I think there's a lot of guilt and fear that can come up. Right? So what does my single parenthood mean for my child now and as they grow up as an adult? And I want to name early on here that we often talk in generalities here, and there's so many different paths to single parenting, and each of them has their own challenges and their own silver linings and blessings. And then even within different types of single parents, you're going to have a lot of variability. So there are single parents out there who feel very supported, who maybe live with family or live in a tight knit community and feel very supported, and there's partnered parents who, like I said, feel very much alone and very isolated. And so, again, this is generalities, but, yeah, I think that overall, there is some fear. There often is some fear that comes up around, what does this mean? What is it going to mean for my kid? And of course, there's that narrative that I think we're starting to let go of, but it's still around sometimes, that, you know, single parent homes are, quote, unquote, broken homes, and there's something wrong and and sort of inherently flawed, and that your kid is screwed, and, you know, all of these narratives, which I actually, also early on in my coaching practice, had a collaboration opportunity that was really appealing. But as we were chatting, it became clear that this person had that perspective, that single parent homes were broken, and that this was something that we needed to fix.

Dr. Gila [00:09:07]: Right? And so this is something that I don't believe, and I really want to send that message to single parents, that you are not broken, your child is not broken, your relationship with your child is not broken.

Penny Williams [00:09:22]: And what impacts your kid the most is your attitude and perspective and mindset around that. Right? Mhmm. If you do feel like it's broken, if you do adopt that thinking Mhmm. You walk down a very negative victim mindset sort of path Mhmm. And that's what will negatively impact your kid

Dr. Gila [00:09:45]: Right.

Penny Williams [00:09:45]: Way more than whether you have 1 or 2 parents in your household.

Dr. Gila [00:09:49]: Right. And the flip side of that coin, the empowering side of that coin, is that it is in your hands. Right? Like, there actually, I think, is a lot of empowerment in being a single parent. So, you know, especially like a lot of single parents who maybe are divorced or separated or something like that, there can be this huge relief. Like, oh, I can finally do things the way that I wanna do them without someone looking over my shoulder, judging me, undermining me. Now that person might still be in the picture judging and undermining you, but in your home, right, you, whether you're divorced or widowed or a single parent by choice, in your home, in your relationship with your kids, you have that control. You can decide what you want your relationship to look like with your kids, and that, I think, it is sometimes a little overwhelming to hear that because it is a big responsibility, and I'm not gonna lie. It is a big responsibility.

Dr. Gila [00:10:49]: And it is, I think, really empowering because it means that, you know, there is something within our power, within our control that we can do to set our kids up for success, to create the sort of relationship in the home that we want.

Penny Williams [00:11:06]: I love that. You have a motto. Even if you're on your own, you don't have to do it alone, which I love because, again, there is that societal narrative that if you're a single parent, you're doing it alone. Mhmm. Talk a little bit about adopting that motto and what that means.

Dr. Gila [00:11:29]: Yeah. So I think this partly came to me from some of my own experiences. I have this really vivid memory of telling my mom that I was thinking of leaving my ex, my son's dad, and she sort of got this look of fear on her face. And she said something like, I can tell there isn't much love there, but you can't do this on your own. Right? And it was like, she was scared for me.

Dr. Gila [00:11:58]: And of course, that was really hard to hear in so many ways because, first of all, there was this, like, sort of what would be the word? Like like, indignant part of me that was like, you know, how could you not believe in me? Of course, like, I, you know, I can do this, but there was also, of course, that she was voicing the fear that I had, of course, and and I know that I delayed ending an unhealthy relationship because of that fear, and I think a lot of people do. So there's this fear, I can't do it on my own, And then fast forward, I don't know, maybe about a year. I'm now a single parent. I have left him, and and I should say I'm also I'm solo custody, if that matters. So I'm doing it on my own. I am doing it on my own, and I'm having a really challenging moment. Right? So it had been like an over 2 hour meltdown of my kids. I was, like, sort of it was one of my, like, breaking point moments.

Dr. Gila [00:12:59]: And I remember once things calmed down, I stuck them on the iPad. God bless screens sometimes. And I logged on, and I reached out for support in a Facebook group that I had been lurking in but hadn't really posted in. And I got a lot of support, and, you know, that was, like, the beginning of sort of a turning point for me. And I really like, when I think about those two things, I realized that there is sort of this distinction. Right? Like, yes. I can do it on my own, and that doesn't mean that I can't and that I shouldn't reach out for and accept and welcome support, and that that is still a really important thing. And sometimes we do have to work a little harder to get it.

Dr. Gila [00:13:47]: And what I do hesitate about this for is that I don't want it to sound like so you often hear the line, you just need to find your tribe. And what bothers me about that is, like, I often had moments where I'm, like, if one more person tells me I just need to find my tribe, as if I could, like, walk to the corner store and buy one for $2 is, like, I'm gonna spot them.

Penny Williams [00:14:09]: Oh my gosh.

Dr. Gila [00:14:11]: You know, I wanna acknowledge that it is challenging to, you know, quote, unquote, find your tribe. And Yeah. It doesn't have to be perfect. Right? It doesn't have to be I mean, of course, it's lovely if you can find a supportive, close knit community that does feel like a tribe. And there are other ways that support can look and other ways that not doing it alone can look.

Penny Williams [00:14:36]: And some tips for people, where do you go to find that drive? Right? Like, you mentioned Facebook and a Facebook group, and that's great. Like, that'll help you to feel less alone. It was a turning point for me and my parenting of a kid with ADHD at the time, and, like, I needed it desperately. I needed to feel like it wasn't just me. Mhmm. But, also, you know, you have that additional layer of, I do need a break.

Penny Williams [00:15:10]: I do need some in person physical sort of support. Right?

Dr. Gila [00:15:16]: Mhmm.

Penny Williams [00:15:17]: Yeah. Where do you find that?

Dr. Gila [00:15:20]: Yeah. So okay. That's not where I thought you were going with the question, so I wanna say 2 things.

Penny Williams [00:15:25]: Okay.

Dr. Gila [00:15:26]: So first, I think that Facebook groups can offer support, but I also wanna say that that's, you know, part of why I have started speaking more about sort of speaking the single parent experience is because even just, like we talked about at the beginning of this chat, even just hearing the acknowledgement and recognition that you are not the only person who is going through this, right, there are actually quite a lot of people. There are a lot of universal aspects to this experience. Again, not every single person, but I think actually goes a long way to this sense that you're not alone. So being able to really internalize that, It is why I'm speaking more about single parenting, and I also have a small group program for single parents, because I really deeply believe in this idea of community and being able to sort of vent and also problem solve and process and work through these things in a safe environment where you feel like actually, I should say in a supportive environment. I try not to say safe. I think safe is subjective, but that's another topic. In a supportive environment, where you don't feel like you're alone in your experience of single parenthood. So that's one thing, just to say that Facebook groups aren't the only way that it can look, and also, I think if you allow yourself to sort of be in spaces where these things are voiced and where you don't feel that secrecy and shame, like some people are like, oh, I don't really want to say that I'm a single parent.

Dr. Gila [00:17:01]: Right? I had another coach tell me, actually, that she is running a group right now, and she was like, yeah, there's this one woman in the group who's a single mom, and it really is more and more clear that there is a difference in her experience. And at first, she wasn't really even comfortable sort of sharing what those challenges are. Right? There can be a discomfort in acknowledging and voicing your experience. So I think part of it has to do with taking away this shame and this secrecy and this tabuness of talking about being on your own. Yeah. In terms of physical hope, so that is a challenging one to talk about because, of course, everyone has different scenarios. Yeah. One message that I do like to send I don't know if this exactly answers your question, but so when I work with clients and in my own family also, I use a sync model.

Dr. Gila [00:17:59]: The idea is we each have this metaphorical sink inside of us, and when the sink is really full, just a few more drops of water make it overflow, and that overflow is the dysregulation. So this is snapping and yelling, hitting, kicking, or shutting down, not being able to handle things.

Penny Williams [00:18:16]: Yeah.

Dr. Gila [00:18:16]: When your sink is less full, the exact same drops of water that made your sink overflow in that first scenario, you can handle them, and you can handle even more. Right? And so this speaks to why it's so important for us as parents, because one of the things that can fill your sink really quickly is someone else's sink spilling into it. Right? So when our kids' sinks are overflowing, it's all the more important for our sinks to have space. Right? So that we can support them. And it's not just about these sort of band aid activities. Like, you know, going to get a massage is lovely. By all means, go get a massage. But the massage is sort of like taking a bucket and emptying some of the water out of the sink versus how do we keep the drain open and have these, like, processes in your day to day life that are going to allow water to come into the sink and have there be a process to make room for it.

Dr. Gila [00:19:16]: So that's all background to say. I had a client who had this horrific day of parenting, and she was exhausted. She hadn't slept well, and her kid was just really wanting attention. And she's a solo mom, single mom by choice. She has 2 kids, and it just escalated and ultimately ended up she yelled. She snapped. She said things she regretted. She then shut down.

Dr. Gila [00:19:41]: She felt guilt and shame, right, this whole spiral that I know we can all relate to. Yeah. And ultimately, she had them watch a movie. She has 2 kids. She had them watch, watch screens for 3 hours while she took a nap. And I said to her, you know, if at the very beginning of that you had said, go watch a movie, I need to take a nap, would they have watched a movie? And she said, yeah, I think they would have. Okay. So what is keeping us from doing that? Right? And so in this scenario, I think of it as having a clog of hair in the drain.

Dr. Gila [00:20:14]: If you have hair like mine, every time you shower, there's more hair in the drain. And if you don't clear that, then no amount of deep breaths is gonna keep your sink from overflowing. So we need to clear that clog in the drain, but we have all these stories we tell ourselves and these fears and these concerns that keep us from giving ourselves permission to do what we need to do to clear that drain. Like, let your kid watch a movie so that you can take a nap, clear that drain, and then, you know, be more present with them. So that is not exactly getting someone else because I do think it's helpful. Of course, it's helpful if you can have someone else in your life who who you can tap in sometimes and get that respite. But I also hesitate to be dependent on that as advice because some people feel like, well, if you just tell me to do that and I can't do it, right, I have reason x, y, z. Right? My kid won't stay with another person.

Dr. Gila [00:21:14]: I can't afford to pay somebody. I don't live near family. Right? So then there's this, like, helplessness. Well, if I don't have this external source of support, I can't survive. And so I think it's important, yes, when you can, to seek out and give yourself permission to accept external sources of support, but it's also important to give yourself permission to do what you need to do to take care of your system, your family, and sometimes that might mean putting the kid on an iPad to watch a movie. I've now given you two screen examples. I'm not all about putting tips on iPads. So I want to say if this is a pattern, right, if this is, like, what's constantly happening, then of course it's more of a systems level.

Dr. Gila [00:22:02]: So I'll give you 2 more examples of things that I think are important to help keep that drain healthy. So one is self talk. We talk a lot about how we talk to our kids, Right? Maybe how we talk to our exes, how we talk to other people, and we often talk to ourselves in ways that are really shaming and guilting and hurtful. And this is some deep and often challenging work, but it is so worth it because this really can shift a lot in terms of how you can handle and show up in these challenging situations. And then the other one I wanna mention is values based priorities. So I think there's a lot, not just for single parents, there's a lot of these, like, external expectations that we internalize. We're not just doing things because we think other people think we should. We have internalized them often because they're so, like, deeply ingrained.

Dr. Gila [00:23:04]: And so slowing down and really taking a look at what matters for me and my child and our family, and how do I make space for that? What is the most important? Right? And sometimes that means not doing all the things that are quote unquote typical or expected. Yeah. And I know coming from your background, this is probably very much in line. Right? Because when you have neurodivergent kids, this is another place where we need to sort of really pause and give ourselves permission to make decisions that make sense for our family, even if it's different than what you thought you would do as a parent or what your neighbor is doing as a parent or what your parents are telling you to do as a parent. Right? To to really sort of check-in and identify your own values and your own family's needs.

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Penny Williams [00:25:56]: It can be a form of stress management. It can be, you know, making room for joy instead of just being hard on ourselves. Like, there's so many positive outcomes when we stop shoulding on ourselves. You know? I should have a partner, or I shouldn't have my kid on screens or right? So if we can just let go of that by giving ourselves or each other permission Mhmm. It makes all the difference in the world for our mental and emotional health. Yeah. And why can't we do things differently? Like, this is what gets me hung up all the time, is we're all individuals. We know that, but yet we want everything to look the same.

Penny Williams [00:26:43]: We want education to look the same for everyone. We want parenting to be the same for everyone. Yep. Right? We wanna raise kids that are just mini versions of ourselves. Yep. Like, why? Why do we get so stuck there as a society, and how do we break that cycle? And conversations like this are part of that. Like, all the time, I have coaching calls where parents are like, oh my gosh. Thank you so much for saying that.

Penny Williams [00:27:10]: I feel so relieved. Like, I had one recently and a single mom who had lost the husband, and they, you know, were really struggling, a teen boy and his mom and this new dynamic that nobody asked for that came suddenly. Mhmm. And he had kind of retreated. So he wasn't eating dinner with her. He wasn't, you know, doing these sort of normal I'm using air quotes for people who say normal family things. Yep. And all I did was say, hey.

Penny Williams [00:27:42]: My kid quit family dinner, like, years ago, and I just had to get okay with it. And she cried. Like, she felt so much relief just because I said, we don't eat family dinner together, and we're okay. Do I wish we still did? Of course, I do. Did I beat myself up about it and feel like something was wrong at first? Yes. But I was doing what my kid and my family needed, and I gave myself permission. I worked through the emotions around it. But just talking to each other, like we're talking about here, like, if single parents are just talking to each other in community, you can see that other people are doing it differently too.

Penny Williams [00:28:25]: Yeah. And it's okay. Even if you're the very only one, you still have our permission to do it that way. Right? Like, do what you need.

Dr. Gila [00:28:35]: You are the expert on your experience and on your family. And Yeah. Attuning to that again, it takes some practice and that permission. Right? It takes permission, giving yourself permission to sort of quiet the noises of expectation and judgement. And I also wanna say, you know, I say this in pretty much every interview I I do at some point, which is that perfection is not the goal ever. Mm-mm. And so when we're saying this, right, give yourself permission and like, this is a process. I mean, we are working against these really deeply ingrained, multigenerational messaging, and it's always a work in progress.

Dr. Gila [00:29:20]: I believe perfection is not only not realistic, but it's actually not desirable. Because when we try to be perfect, whatever in the world that even means, I don't even know if we were perfect, we wouldn't be modeling for our kids that humans are not perfect. Even adults, even parents are not perfect, and we wouldn't have opportunities to model for them repair and reconnection. And one thing that came to mind when you were talking about that, about giving her like, sort of, thank god someone, you know, gave me this permission. I think one narrative that often parents have is once I say the kid has to do something or not do something, I can't budge, ever. Right? If I budge, I have compromised my authority, and I will never get it back. And it's interesting because we think that we're sitting here expecting our kid, who also has dug their heels in and is not budging.

Penny Williams [00:30:19]: Of course.

Dr. Gila [00:30:20]: And so we are waiting until our kid decides to be flexible and to budge while we are standing there and saying, nope, never going to budge, not one bit. And so when we talk about, you know, maybe there's room for saying, oh, I didn't realize this was so important to you. This is new information to me. Let's talk about this. Right? Like, how can we find something that's workable for both of us? And so giving parents permission to do things a little differently than maybe doctor Spak or I don't actually know what doctor Spak said, but then the the old school parenting folks. Sorry, doctor Stock. You might be fine.

Penny Williams [00:31:00]: Yeah. Just that traditional parenting. Yeah. Yeah. When you were talking, it reminded me of a quote from Ross Greene, which I'm not gonna quote directly because my memory doesn't work that well. But the essence is show me an inflexible child, and I'll show you an equally inflexible adult. And that's where we get stuck. We just get so stuck.

Penny Williams [00:31:19]: Like, we know our neurodivergent kids need us to be extremely flexible. Mhmm. Not saying that we don't hold boundaries, that we don't have values and all those things, but we need to be able to show up and be flexible when it is warranted. And we get stuck in exactly what you're talking about. Mhmm. I, you know, I have to hold hard and fast to this because if I don't, what precedent am I setting? Right? Kids don't work that way. Like, this isn't a court of law. It isn't forevermore if this thing happens once.

Penny Williams [00:31:54]: Your kid may try to make it that way, but it doesn't necessarily mean that it will be that way. And I think that's a really powerful permission again. Like, it's okay to flex on these things sometimes.

Dr. Gila [00:32:09]: I think this is actually, like, a big overarching theme in talking about parenting in general, but also single parenting. Right? It's going back to that flexibility of this isn't what I thought it would look like. This isn't what the narratives and stories and outside messages are. And so we need to be flexible and give ourselves permission to do the things that we need to do to make it work for our family, whatever that looks like. Yeah.

Penny Williams [00:32:37]: And be okay with different. Like, I keep coming back to that so much, but that really is where we end up going so deep in blame and shame when we feel like we're different, when we're comparing ourselves or our family to others. And when we raise neurodivergent kids, we have to learn really quickly not to compare. Right? Not to compare our kids to other kids, not to compare our parenting and our family to others. I think the same, obviously, is true for single parenting. Like, you know, just be okay with what your kid needs. And I, you know, I have social anxiety, so I really struggle with constant thoughts of other people judging me. It kind of never ends in my brain unless I am at home and I'm not on video.

Dr. Gila [00:33:31]: Yeah.

Penny Williams [00:33:32]: And so, like, I've learned to live with it, but when my kid was really small and melting down in the grocery store and people were literally walking around the corner of the aisle to see if I was, like, beating my kid, I had to learn how to shut that off or to compartmentalize it or whatever I needed to do. Mhmm. And my first step was they don't know our story. Mhmm. They have no idea what is happening and why it is happening. Mhmm. And even if they did, they still might judge, but that's just their ignorance. Not to be mean, but just to say they just don't know.

Penny Williams [00:34:18]: And that brought me some relief Yeah. From being so worried about that judgment. Yeah. And then I, you know, sort of built up this armor of Yeah. It's okay if other people judge because they just don't know. And that's their nature. Right? Like, it is human nature to judge each other because we're built to be sort of identifying where there's danger. Right? So we have to sort of size other people up at one point in time, a long time ago, to make sure we were safe.

Penny Williams [00:34:54]: And, you know, for some of us, it's just this faulty thing that just keeps going over and over. And and but even if it's not that, there's still a lot of that blame and shame from judgment. We just have to disconnect and get okay with knowing that we're doing the right thing for our family.

Dr. Gila [00:35:15]: So yeah. So I have a a few things. Let's see if I can remember so much good stuff that you just said. First of all, oh my gosh. Isn't that, like, one of the hardest situations? And we can all relate. Right? Like, when when when you're in public or sometimes even worse when you're with family or with close friends, and you're just feeling those judgmental eyes. It's so hard. So I wanna say first of all that some of the work that you're talking about actually is a beautiful example of some of what I talk about with keeping that sink open.

Dr. Gila [00:35:48]: It's learning to recognize some of these thinking traps that we fall into. Mhmm. And noticing, which is, you know, it sounds simple, but it's actually quite challenging to learn to even just notice and name them. Yeah. And, you know, knowing how to bring yourself back from so you don't get sucked into that sort of vortex that the brain traps pull you into. But I do wanna say as sort of like a slightly, like, nuanced yes, and, one of the things that I think is important for us to give ourselves permission is to feel the prickly feelings.

Dr. Gila [00:36:29]: And so, like, I don't think that we should just, like, shut the shame off. I think it's sort of this yin yang of giving ourselves the permission and the tools and the space to be able to sort of feel those feelings, process those feelings, and to not get stuck in them. And that takes the perspective perspective that you're talking about. Right? So bringing yourself back into what is really happening here, not what's the story that I've sort of deeply ingrained that that is coming to me from all these different places. But what's really happening, what is the reality, what is really important in this moment and really important to me and my kid? And then the third thing that I wanna say is that I think that, really, this is, like, kind of one of the big things at the heart of the work that we do as parents to on our own parenting

Dr. Gila [00:37:27]: Is to you know, I always say my job is not to pull someone else onto my parenting path. It's to support them on theirs in finding their parenting voice. Right? Because at the end of the day, what really matters is that you feel grounded in your values, in your family, and what's going on, and that you feel that empowerment that when someone is judging you in the grocery store, you're like, yep. I know. This looks kind of bad, and I know that this is what's happening, and this is what my kid needs, and this is, you know, how I'm gonna handle it, which doesn't mean that you're not gonna feel stressed and not gonna feel.

Penny Williams [00:38:09]: Right. Right.

Dr. Gila [00:38:10]: Judgment. Right? Again, it's not about her.

Penny Williams [00:38:12]: Yeah. It's not easy. Right. It's just necessary to keep practicing and keep Right. Very mindful until you can get there, until that is sort of your norm. And if I could get there with social anxiety, I think anybody can get there. Right? Like, you can get to a point where you say, okay. This feels terrible, but right now, my kid needs me.

Penny Williams [00:38:37]: For whatever reason. You know? They need my help, and that's what has to take priority. And then, you know, once I walk out those doors, I can feel the feelings, and I can deal with it. Right. But in that moment, yeah, you have to focus. You know? And 2, if you start melting down with the kid that's melting down, what is that gonna be? Right? What kind of experience is that gonna be for you? Right? Like Right. Nobody wants that.

Dr. Gila [00:39:05]: Think of my stink analogy. That's when we end up with a big puddle on the floor.

Penny Williams [00:39:08]: Right? Oh, no. There's a lake. Yeah. Yeah. There's a river going down the cereal aisle in the grocery store, for sure.

Dr. Gila [00:39:15]: Right.

Penny Williams [00:39:16]: Yeah. And I feel that. I mean, there were times in those instances where I felt like I was drowning. Like, I felt like I needed, like, some sort of hand to reach out. Mhmm. Yeah. It's very easy, right, for our own nervous systems to also get triggered in that way. But we're the adult in the equation.

Penny Williams [00:39:35]: We've had more practice, and so we have to try to show up. And sometimes we can't. Like, I wanna be super real to you. Sometimes, it is just one of those days where you have to, like, grab your kid, leave the cart, and just try again later. Like, sometimes you can't salvage things. Sometimes Mhmm. You can't stay regulated or calm, and that's okay too. It's gonna happen to you because you're human.

Dr. Gila [00:40:03]: Right. And for the record, it happens to me too. Right? I mean, it's Yeah. Yeah. You know, it's it's a work in progress for all of us. Mhmm. And one thing that came to mind when you're talking about that scenario and then offloading your feelings, you One thing that can feel lonely for single parents is if you don't have a partner to offload your feelings onto. Now, of course, if you have friends or other family members that you can, that's wonderful.

Dr. Gila [00:40:28]: But I think a lot of single parents feel like, where do I put this? And so I'm a huge fan of journaling. And one thing that I like to talk about is journaling doesn't have to mean a physical notebook with a pen. So Mhmm. I really like having electronic journal because then I have it when I'm in the car after the grocery store parking lot, and I can just, like Yeah. You know? And then another thing that some people

Dr. Gila [00:40:49]: haven't thought about is doing audio journaling, whether it's in a journaling app or even just like the voice memo app on your phone. Right? So sort of speaking, like, be your own best friend. Right? Be your own support person in that moment if you don't have someone else to offload to.

Penny Williams [00:41:12]: Or you can start a podcast, and you can help other people as you offload. Or blog I mean, I started blogging. I was like, I don't know what's going on with my kid. I feel so alone. I'm waiting months for this evaluation meeting, you know, appointment, and, like, I I am feeling all kinds of scared, and I don't know what to do. And for me, it was like, I'm gonna put it out there, and somebody is gonna find me and be able tell me what's happening, which did not happen.

Penny Williams [00:41:43]: But then when we got a diagnosis and I started talking about that and all the feelings around that, people came in droves. Right? And I was able to build a community in that way. And I'm not saying everybody needs to vlog or podcast, but, like, there are a lot of, like, potential ways of doing that, of getting that sort of catharsis, right, of processing. And sometimes, you can do it in ways that that can help others too. Yeah. You know? Don't think about that. Just think about helping yourself first.

Dr. Gila [00:42:15]: It's beautiful though that you again, going back to a topic we talked about before. Right? You sort of broke that wall of shame about everything that you were going through. You put it out there, which probably took a lot, especially with social anxiety.

Penny Williams [00:42:30]: Yeah. I don't know how I did that.

Dr. Gila [00:42:32]: Yeah. Yeah. I love that. That's beautiful.

Penny Williams [00:42:35]: Well, we are out of time together for this conversation. Will you let everybody know where to find you? How can they connect with you and learn more from you?

Dr. Gila [00:42:44]: Sure. So it's drgilaparenting.com. I do have a few free resources for single parents. I have, like, this short little meditation and a guide on understanding challenging behaviors and a few other things, and you can find them all there. On Instagram and Facebook, I'm Dr. Gila Parenting. I'm gonna be honest. I'm not, like, a big social media person for my own mental sanity, but I do go on there when there's, you know, good stuff to announce. But the best way to keep up with me is to sign up for my email list.

Dr. Gila [00:43:17]: You can get a free resource and get on my email list or just sign up for my email list.

Penny Williams [00:43:22]: Awesome. And we're gonna link all of that up in the show notes for everybody who is listening. So you can go to parentingADHDandautism.com/282 for episode 282. And everything that Dr. Gila just mentioned will be linked up there. And I definitely encourage you to find her and learn more and feel supported. It's just amazing work that you're doing. I'm so thankful that you are being vulnerable in public because that's how we help each each other get through this really complex human experience and complex parenting and all of the layers that some of us are dealing with. So I just thank you for the work you're doing.

Dr. Gila [00:44:07]: And likewise, I so respect your work and, and love the podcast and your emails. So thank you.

Penny Williams [00:44:13]: Thank you. And with that, I guess we'll end the episode. So I'll see everybody next time. Take good care. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at parentingadhdandautism.com and at thebehaviorrevolution.com.