Ahhh I relate so strongly. I'm NOT a professional, just a mom but I can share some of my thoughts for you and anyone else who maybe could find them helpful. My son and I are both autistic and both perseverators. Even people who are not autistic or ADHD can develop this behaviour, especially as a way to cope. I don't know if I can give any insight but I can try to share my thoughts and what has helped us a little. This article is awesome in my opinion so I would try all the steps. I wanna say first, breathe, you are doing great mama. It is VERY hard to have a child who is atypical in any way, when society shoves judgment on us and doesn't “get it”. You are asking for advice and help and that proves you are a great mama. Most people don't even notice or think about it til its too late and they have a depressed or raging teenager, or maybe never if they get lucky but the kid ends up struggling alone. You can do this. Keep reaching out.

This post is gonna be really long sorry, but your post caught my attention because that was me nonstop 2 years ago, and I was so stressed every second of every day. I was having stomach aches, I felt like my son and I were not as close as before, I was struggling at work, crying myself to sleep, dreading going home and feeling guilty… Yeah. I still have those moments but it's starting to get a lot better. My son is almost 7 but in some ways, he is like a teenager because he is very clever and beyond a typical kid his age. In other ways, he is emotionally still like a 3 year old. So it's complex. But I have learned to trust that even if he doesn't understand now, still keep teaching and he will get it.

This is a collection of stuff that I read online, was taught by a therapist, and developed myself from my own experiences as a child. So here goes:

So first… Taking things away completely is punishing him for a behaviour he cannot (yet) control. It will just cause more frustration and if he's anything like my son, he'll just amp up the level of behaviour and it can escalate to shouting, throwing things, etc. It's not going to help either person. The only time that I think it is helpful is obviously if the child is hurting themselves with the object OR if they are not respecting the rule and nothing else has worked after giving it time.

Why Stuck – The first step for me when my son gets Stuck is figuring out WHY, and what he is needing. Weird example: I did have to temporarily take away a computer drawing game because my son was using it to make fire pictures like people running out of a house on fire. During this time, he kept talking about fire and I was upset because I thought omg, he's gonna be one of those kids…. But no – he's not a sociopath, he was obsessing and worrying about house fires and his way of coping was to talk about fire nonstop, ask about it, draw it, etc… just obsess because his brain was stuck. I was so worried til we worked out with a dr that he was actually anxious because he saw a house that had a fire weeks before. He regained use of the game when he agreed to not make any fire pictures, and proved it by using it properly after that.

If it's just that he enjoys a topic….

Rules –

For topics he likes (pizza, etc) … At this point I would try the time limit and replace the conversation with something else that is engaging to him. Or if the obsession is over eating or doing the same activity…

If it's pizza, it may be anxiety around trying new foods, may be sensory issues with certain foods but pizza always feels “safe” to him, he may associate pizza with positive memories, or he may just really freakin' love pizza. (For me.. it's coffee…)

Set a rule for each issue (like… we can have pizza “this many” times a week) starting with 1 or 2 rules at a time. Do not bend on it even once. The reaction may get worse in the beginning, that's normal. But when he realizes the tactics (arguing or raging or pleading) don't work, it should improve. A lot of kids (especially autistic, not saying your son is though!) actually like rules and routine because it is comforting to their brain to know what to expect – overall this will reduce anxiety and reduce expectations that cannot be fulfilled. The idea is that if the rule is you always have pizza on Fridays, they will look forward to it on Fridays, but also know that on Tuesday they can't have pizza so eventually they will accept that and not be bugging you about it or obsessing in their own brain (which can even be stressful to them).

I am almost embarrassed to admit – I set rules for myself still. I think lots of people do. Where I feel different is that I can't bend on my rule or else I start falling apart. (Example: I can have two or three cups of coffee a day. If I let myself have four one day, I start drinking too much again.) Being stubborn isn't always bad lol. But for our kids, they need us to do this for them.

Arguments are not going to help (I know you know that, and it's not that easy. My son and I still argue way too much and I feel so bad about it and stressed by it, but I'm trying to get better at stopping myself). A lot of kids who perseverate may even enjoy the argument. Not enjoy it in that they want to fight with you, but it provides sensory feedback and they are getting a reaction from you. So they will continue it. It may make them feel satisfied to continue to discuss the issue. (Especially if they get into a rant about something annoying. I think even as adults a lot of us do this, even not autistic or ADHD people). Like this article says, sometimes you need to remove yourself from the situation either literally leaving the room (if its safe for the child obviously) or removing yourself from the conversation by not continuing it.

Once I have responded and acknowledged him, I sometimes will ignore it if I can tell he is trying to argue. I don't say anything (or will just say “I don't want to talk about that right now”). I try to change the subject but if he keeps trying, I will tell him “I need a break from (that topic) right now so I am going in the other room. When you feel like talking/playing/doing something else, come find me and we will play together!” Firm but not punishing. If he really needs it, I try to give him a simple, honest reason like “I don't like to think about cars blowing up. It makes me sad because it's bad for the environment” (sometimes it's a random reason lol but I attempt to try to share emotions with him so he understands others have emotional reactions to what he says and does). But I won't discuss it any further or justify my feelings. Stop means stop.

If you are changing the subject, try a visual. It sounds overly simple but sometimes a visual helps better than saying “let's do something else”. Example, grab a different activity and hold it up to show him. “Hey let's do this instead”. Show him a visual reminder like a clock with a gentle reminder “Hey buddy you've been playing Minecraft for an hour. You need to rest your eyes because it's not good for them to be staring at the screen. Let's choose something else, and you can play Minecraft again for 20 minutes after dinner” (or whatever).

Anxiety or stress – Sometimes when I am stressed about something, it will keep repeating in my head and I keep obsessing. (random examples: Someone at work blamed me for something I didn't do, or my neighbour was playing loud music and kept us awake all night, etc.) It may also happen when I am anxious about something (random examples: my son needs a specific kind of shoe and I can't find it at any stores or he has a cough and I need to know what's causing it, etc.). I will sometimes talk about it for hours with anyone who will listen and get stuck in loops trying to find a solution to the problem. Sometimes I even repeat the same sentence in the conversation without realizing at the time. I know it annoys or bothers people but at the time, I can't control it. I am starting to become aware that I do this (at almost 30 years old) and that it is not helpful to me or to others. I find it helpful if someone stops me and points out I am stuck on the topic, acknowledges that I am feeling upset and validates my opinion/feeling (or even if they say “I don't understand or I don't agree but I see it's important to you”), and then reminds me that it's going to stress me out more to keep talking about i. Now this doesn't happen very often. A lot of the time it's in my own head. But it does still happen. Normally if someone looks bored and annoyed or rolls their eyes or if they say “ok stop going on about it”, my reaction was to get upset and feel hurt or even a little angry… but now I understand why. I still don't think that reaction is helpful and in the moment, it still upsets me… so I can guess that maybe my son feels the same way if I don't acknowledge him and just jump right to trying to stop him.

For my son, the first step is that he wants to be acknowledged and validated about what he is feeling whether it's happy, sad, annoyed, angry, etc. That can be “Wow yeah, that game is SO COOL! I can see you really enjoy it.” or it can be “That was very rude when that boy at school shoved by you. I'm glad you didn't get hurt even though you were worried you could have been hurt.” I try to help him identify the feeling and what caused his brain to get stuck. And then we work on replacing the behaviour with a positive expression.

This can be sensory feedback, relaxation or mindfulness or breathing exercises or yoga video (at first my son thought it was dumb but then loved it), playdo or clay, etc. He may need calming strategies or he may need stimulating strategies (like “heavy work” – look that up and see if it sounds like it may help him).

If it is anxiety or stress topics, I don't stop him from sharing his feelings. He may take it too literally and stop talking about his feelings… So I try to be careful about limiting my son on these topics. I don't do time limits for this, but instead try to help him express it in a more positive way after he has shared it for a little while, and try to work out what he is feeling about it, why is it bothering him etc. If he does get stuck in a rant, and he is not receptive to positive coping methods, I will put a temporary stop and say “We are going to talk more about that later. We need a break right now to think about something good.”.

Signals – You can also come up with a signal that only the two of you recognize. I read this tip a while back and it's really helped. Even though my son is chatty, he sometimes has a hard time expressing verbally when he is upset. So we do a subtle gesture that means “I'm stuck on this” which means that he can't stop thinking about it (a head tap). We have another one (sideways hand wave) that is a reminder I do if we are in public and he is stuck and I don't want to embarrass him. When he does his signal, it means that he needs help so that usually means walking away together and taking a break from the situation, or talking it out. You could even get teachers or other adults in his life to be a part of this. It's important to me that he is not embarrassed by people as he already may be dealing with criticism from other kids on it. Encouraging self esteem is really important as a lot of people don't understand perseveration and may be mean about it without knowing it.

Social – In the big picture, talking about pizza all day… is not really hurting anyone. So sometimes, he may just need to talk it out to feel happy. However, I understand that it can affect him socially and can affect behaviour at home too. I used to annoy other kids by talking on the same topic all the time (usually dogs or ancient Egypt) and it was hard to make friends until I found a friend that liked the same things, or we'd take turns talking about our interests. That is a valuable thing to teach a child anyway – taking turns with topics. He may not be fully aware he is obsessing or that other people are annoyed or bored or upset by his topics. What helped me was I had a teacher who taught me that. She said something like “I hear you love dogs. Let's talk about dogs for 15 minutes. But I really love cats! After your turn, I want to talk to you about cats for 15 minutes.” (just a random example) I do this with my son. In my experience with ADHD and/or autism (or really, kids), future rewards may not work as well. He needs the immediate positive reinforcement. So I give him what he wants by letting him talk about his topic (immediate reward) but also fit in the lesson (practising patience, empathy that others may want to discuss a topic or not hear his topic). And make it fun and positive.

Even an intelligent and empathic and caring child or adult may have a hard time understanding that their thoughts do not match others' thoughts… it sounds obvious to some of us but it can be complicated for them. It takes time for them to get to the point where they can recognize non-verbal or verbal reactions from other people and have the ability to change what they are saying/doing that is causing it.

I know it may also affect their focus at school and for myself, my focus at work. But from the inside, it can feel frustrating as well for the person whose brain is obsessing. This can be a struggle throughout life but it's not hopeless.

Social Skill Talks – When he is in a calmer mood and not in hyperfocus or obsess mode, we talk about things like how different people have different interests, how certain topics upset some people but may not upset him (example: the titanic sinking, talk about war or fires, etc.) and that certain topics are not polite to discuss in public (“the bathroom talk rule”), etc. I have found there is no point trying to have these discussions if he is already repeating or obsessing.

The Positive – Many children who perseverate are actually very intelligent. They may want or enjoy examining every angle of a subject. They may also have worries that are beyond a typical child's because they are smart enough to think of all the possibilities and need reassurance.

If they are able to put hyperfocus to use as a skill, they can excel at a certain topic or area of study as they get older. My son is so knowledgable about many topics that kids his age wouldn't know and it has helped him at school. It also makes me quite good at my job (just a secretary but still) because it helps me to be thorough and detailed. Because my brain processes a lot of information quickly and turns it around so I can learn new things pretty quickly if I am able to focus on it. It's not all bad even though it can feel that way when your child is young and you are trying to manage everything. It also helps me manage my personal life. I get things done because I focus on them til they are done right. Your son may in time find ways of focusing this ability into a positive skill.

If the thoughts are anxious, negative, upsetting, or if your child is having low self esteem from other peoples reactions to their perseverating, I would seek professional help in ANY way you can, even if it means getting on a wait list for now (my city is like this.. long long waits unless you can afford to pay high fees which I can't). It can also be a sign of anxiety or depression or other mental health struggles, even in a young child. But in the mean time, I hope you can find ways to help him and to reduce your stress as I know it is very painful and stressful as a parent to watch your child struggle with this and to try to get everything done yourself when your child is stuck on something. But there really is hope for improvement. I wish you all the best.