Penny Williams [00:00:03]: Took me a long time to practice and learn how to show up as a co regulator instead of a co escalator. It can be super transformative for your entire family. My natural response now is calm, and it took me a while to get there, guys. But if I can get there, so can you. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started.

Penny Williams [00:00:49]: Hello. Hello, friends. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I am going to talk to you about something today that has started to really bother me, and I think it's because I understand more and better about our nervous system and about our emotions and how they have this complex interplay. So that when we are having a hard time, it's not really about being okay. In the moment, it's about encouraging safety. And I'll get in deeper as we get into this episode about what that means, why I've sort of been inspired now to talk about this, and how it's really going to help you with your parenting, of course, but also just in your interactions with others and your connections with others and being a good human as we move through the world and interact with other people. So I want to encourage you and challenge you to stop using the phrase, it's okay.

Penny Williams [00:02:11]: And this is something that I think we are just on autopilot that we just automatically say this. When someone is upset, when someone is having a hard time, when someone is trying to do something that's really hard and they're getting emotional or they're feeling frustrated or stuck, our go to is to say, it's okay. So your kid is coming in the door from school. You can tell they've had a bad day, something's really bothering them, they drop their backpack at the door and go into their room and shut the door and lay down, let's say, for instance. And, you know, our instinct is to go in and try to help. Right? Like, your intention here is loving kindness. I'm not disputing the intention behind saying it's okay. What I'm disputing is that it actually isn't helpful.

Penny Williams [00:03:16]: There are other things that would be more helpful. So if you walk into that room to your kid and you say, it's okay, that can feel really invalidating for the emotions that they're having and the experience that they've had. It can feel like you are dismissing the fact that they're having a hard time, the fact that what they are feeling is difficult and painful at that time. And I hope that you can see that. Try to put yourself in a situation where someone has told you it's okay when you were feeling really emotional, or you were just having a hard time or a hard day. It can feel like you are just being dismissed or that what you're going through, I guess, more more directly, what you're going through is being dismissed. And that can hurt, and that can build barriers and build walls. You know, if our kids were constantly saying it's okay to them when they're having a hard time and they're feeling invalidated or dismissed every time, what is going to happen? What is the consequence of that? 1, they're gonna stop sharing their feelings and their experiences with you.

Penny Williams [00:04:40]: And that's not what we want as parents. In our relationships with others, our significant others, or our friends, if we're constantly telling them that it's okay, what's going to happen? They're going to stop sharing as much. So instead of dismissing that emotional experience that our kids or our friends or our family members or our other humans who are around us are going through, we need to come up with better ways to help them. Because as I said before, I fully realized the intention is very well meaning. The intention is to comfort in that moment and to encourage that this is hard right now, but it will get better. You will get through this. You will get beyond this. But when you just say it's okay, it can feel really dismissive and invalidating.

Penny Williams [00:05:37]: It can also feel like their feelings aren't okay. You know? When you say, oh, it's okay, it can feel like you're saying, why are you reacting this way? Why are you having such big feelings right now? Right? Because remember that other people interpret things that we say in different ways, and, sometimes, they're interpreting it in a way that is completely outside of what our intention is. Right? And especially if you have a super sensitive kid or a super sensitive spouse, which I have on both accounts, then they can really start to fill in more of that story around you saying it's okay. And we don't want that because very often, it's going to be a story of blame or shame or feeling inadequate or unworthy or, like, big emotions aren't okay. You know, we've talked about so many times on this podcast that all feelings are natural, and I am trying to get away from even calling them positive feelings and negative feelings. I think they're pleasant or unpleasant. They're hard or easy. Right? But they're not bad, and they're not negative.

Penny Williams [00:07:08]: They're just part of the human experience. And so we need to help our kids or the others that we're interacting with to feel like it's okay to have whatever feeling they're having because we don't want to start this process of suppressing their emotions. We don't want kids or anyone to start bottling up how they're feeling. Because what happens then? They're not dealing with it, and, eventually, it's going to be explosive, or it's going to cause other problems. You know, if we keep suppressing our emotions, then we could have more anxiety. We could have depression. We could have kids who are starting to try to self medicate to, you know, find other answers for it, like self blame and shame, none of which we want, because none of which is healthy, and it's not what we want for our kids or for our fellow human beings. We want our kids to feel understood.

Penny Williams [00:08:19]: We want them to feel seen, heard, validated. That is so so important when we're talking about complex kids, but really important when we're talking about any human being. Again, like, so much of what I talk about here on Beautifully Complex is just about the human experience. It applies to all of that. Because at the foundation, we are talking about our autonomic nervous system. We are talking about our emotional brain, our survival brain, our thinking brain. This stuff is true for every human being. And so we focus a lot on parenting because that's what we're here to talk about, but what I'm talking about is true for all of us.

Penny Williams [00:09:02]: It's true for us ourselves as a parent. It's true for the other adults and kids around us. So I want you to remember that as you start to implement and and apply the things that you're learning here, that they can also be applied to the other humans around you, not just kids. And so we don't want our kids to struggle with self expression. We don't want them to struggle with expressing how they're feeling and asking for help with that. We want to first show up with validation. So instead of saying, it's okay, which, again, I know your intention is well meaning, but there is a better way. And that better way starts with this validation.

Penny Williams [00:09:51]: What your kids need most is to feel seen and heard. That is what makes us be able to connect with other people, to be open to that connection, and to also feel good about ourselves. Because when we don't feel seen, heard, and understood, we start to tell stories about why that might be. And those stories are always negative. They're always really just full of blame and shame and have a narrative that something is wrong with us. Right? And so we have to show up with that validation, and it doesn't mean that we're agreeing with the intensity of their emotions. Sometimes our complex kids have really big emotions. Sometimes they show them in really inappropriate ways, like being aggressive, saying mean and hurtful things, destroying property, you know, that sort of stuff.

Penny Williams [00:10:54]: And that validation is not validating how they are expressing the emotion. We're not saying that it's okay. We're not being permissive with those behaviors. We are validating that the emotion is real for them, which is true no no matter how big it is, no matter how exaggerated it feels for you. That emotion is true for that kid at that moment, period. And you're validating that that emotion is real for them. You're acknowledging that their feelings are real and important. They're important even if they feel exaggerated to you, even if they feel too big.

Penny Williams [00:11:42]: They are still important because it is the experience that your child is having in that moment. And that validation then builds emotional resilience and self awareness. So not only are we helping our kids and showing up in the best way possible, but we're also building skills when we come into these situations in this more thoughtful and intentional way. So let's talk about what you should say instead of it's okay. The first thing that comes to mind for me is, you're safe. This is grounding, and this says, I'm here for you, and it's going to be okay. Can you hear the difference between it's okay and it's going to be okay? It's okay, to me, sounds like right now, it's okay. So if you don't feel like it's okay right now, then your feelings aren't valid.

Penny Williams [00:12:57]: But if you say it will be okay, you're saying, I know you don't feel okay right now, but I'm here, and you're safe, and you will get to a point where it will be okay again. Right? Do you hear that difference? I wanna say it's subtle, but it's not subtle. It's a huge difference, but the difference in the words you're speaking are very subtle because you're just adding the will be in there. That's it. Instead of it's okay, it's it will be okay. And that is a huge distinction in the way that it is received and the way it feels to that person that is receiving it. So number 1, you're safe. Of course, you don't wanna say you're safe if they're not safe.

Penny Williams [00:13:45]: Okay? Let's be real about that because then, again, you're invalidating big time. So we want to validate the real experience of our child or this other person, and we want to let them know that they are safe or they will be safe. We can also encourage some hope and resilience without dismissing that struggle by saying things like you will get through this or we will get through this. And when you say to a child, we'll get through this together. I'm here to help you. That is validating. It's showing empathy. It is saying, I see that this is hard, and I'm here to help you.

Penny Williams [00:14:38]: You are not alone. Again, these little short phrases can pack a lot of meaning and be very, very helpful. But there are little short phrases that also cannot, right, that are also really invalidating. And I hope that you're really hearing the difference here between it's okay and it will be okay or it's okay and you're safe, between it's okay and you will get through this. You can say, you're safe. You will get through this. I'm here to help you. We're going to do this together.

Penny Williams [00:15:22]: Right? All of those things just feel better. Like, it feels better for me to even say them as I am talking to you right now. It feels so much better. And I'll tell you just a quick little personal story about when this really started to bother me. For those of you who've listened to the podcast for a long time and maybe from the beginning or close to the beginning, you probably know that my self care every day is to turn on the TV and turn off my brain. It is the only way that I can get my brain to stop churning on everything that has happened and what how I might have been judged that day because of social anxiety and, you know, what I should have done and what I need to do tomorrow and how I'm gonna be more helpful to you, my audience, and the parents that I coach. And, like, it just keeps going. Right? What am I gonna do for my kids? Where are we going? How do I help them on this path? And all of the things, like, literally, all of the things just keep going in my brain if I don't have something else to focus on.

Penny Williams [00:16:30]: And so I learned a very long time ago, especially when my kids were little and my son was super hyperactive, and I was so overwhelmed and exhausted. And I had so many, like, what ifs running through my head all the time that I really needed to find a way to be able to turn that off. And TV can be kind of an escape, and sometimes that is healthy and sometimes it's not. You know? If I'm trying to just deflect what my experience is and how I'm feeling and never deal with it, that's unhealthy. But for me, it's just about kind of turning things off, not having to think so much about the what ifs and what is going on for me, and thinking more about kinda nothing, honestly, so that I can just calm down. And I am a true crime junkie. I have a sociology degree, and I minored in criminology. I used to actually want to be an FBI profiler, which a lot of you are probably going to laugh as you're listening to that, especially those of you who have taken a course with me or have had a coaching call with me.

Penny Williams [00:17:40]: It seems so opposite of who I am, but it's not really. And, because I'm just a student of human behavior. And so as I've been watching, not a true crime show, but, a police procedural, I keep hearing them, seeing them show up, like, in people's worst, most difficult moments. And they say, it's okay. And it just feels wrong to me, and they're doing it with lots of empathy. And you can tell the intention is that they are trying to comfort the person and let them know that they're safe because they are there to help them. But what I see when I watch it now that I know what I know about the nervous system is that it can feel really invalidating. Like, I'm sitting there wanting to scream at the TV.

Penny Williams [00:18:32]: It's not okay for them right now. Tell them they're safe. Tell them that you're there to help them, but don't just tell them it's okay. Right? And so the more I have had that reaction in watching fictional characters on TV, of all things, the more it has brought this up for me and really become very important for me to talk to you about. So let's talk about a little bit of a practical application for not saying it's okay and showing up in a different way with different language. Number 1, I want you to pause and reflect before you respond to any big emotions from your child, your teen, your young adult, whoever it is. This is something that I always, always, always teach. No matter what we're talking about with our kids, we need to take a breath, take a big pause, and then respond, because we need the opportunity for our nervous system to get regulated, to not be reactive, because we are wired to be reactive.

Penny Williams [00:19:48]: That is the way our nervous system and our brain is made to protect us, but we don't need to be reactive every time there's something intense going on around us. And in fact, if we are reactive, we're responding in kind. We're going to escalate the situation. We are not going to be helpful. So I want you to pause and just take a big empathetic breath. If you just did that with me, I think you can feel the difference. It is a big deal. It's a little thing that creates big change.

Penny Williams [00:20:31]: Please, please, please. And even then, it also is modeling for your kid, and sometimes you will find that they will take a big breath with you because they are also wired to respond in kind. So your step number 1, when your kid is having big emotions, is to pause, take a breath, and reflect. And that reflect can kind of be a parenting mantra. Mine was always, my kid isn't giving me a hard time. He's having a hard time. And that was what I would think of in my head after I took that big empathetic breath. And that is giving your thinking brain time to formulate something that is responsive and helpful instead of letting your emotional brain take over and just spout something that isn't helpful.

Penny Williams [00:21:26]: Right? So you're pausing and reflecting first, then you need to validate and show empathy. I can see that you're really upset right now. I'm here with you. You're safe. How can I help you? And then 3rd, offer a supportive alternative that matches where they are. That supportive alternative can be, you know, can we go for a walk? Like, it could be a regulating activity if they are in a space where they can do that. And a lot of times when our kids have big emotions, they cannot. They need to get through those emotions.

Penny Williams [00:22:09]: Their brain, their nervous system needs time to recover and get back to that regulated state. So if you're catching it early enough, you might be able to start in on a regulating activity. And mind you, that big empathetic breath, that is a regulation activity. Deep breathing does regulate our nervous system. But if you come at an intense child and say, just breathe, that is invalidating. That is not helpful. So we want to understand our kid, understand the situation, and where they are in their dysregulation, and if it's a time where a regulation activity is possible or not. And sometimes that supportive alternative to trying to explain or talk them out of or through their emotions is just to sit with them in silence, and that's okay.

Penny Williams [00:23:08]: In fact, I encourage that. I encourage you to talk less because the more we talk, the more overwhelmed our kids get, the more overwhelmed their system and their brains get. So be really, really mindful of your responses. And sometimes you're gonna make mistakes, guys. Sometimes you're gonna be dysregulated, and then it's a matter of repair. It's okay to make mistakes because we're all human beings, and actually modeling, making mistakes, and what you do when you make a state mistake is so much more beneficial to your kids than hiding that you make mistakes. I promise you 100%, make mistakes in front of your kids. I encourage it.

Penny Williams [00:23:53]: I wanna also talk to you a little bit about building emotional intelligence within this concept of changing the way we say it's okay when our kids are having a hard time to something that's more helpful. So there's a huge ripple effect when you validate someone's feelings. It helps them to better identify their emotions, to better regulate their emotions. Right? And, again, this is about skill building too. In those moments, we're not thinking about skill building. Right? Our kid is having big emotions. They're intense. Things are hard.

Penny Williams [00:24:35]: Things are not going the way you want them to for them or for you. You're not thinking about skill building, and I don't want you to. But when you start learning these different ways to respond that are more helpful, they are also skill building. So you're weaving it in without even trying to weave it in, and that's amazing. Like, whenever we can just make these learning experiences part of day to day life, the more successful they're gonna be, the more effective they're gonna be. Because no kid wants to sit down and listen to you lecture them and try to teach them how to, you know, regulate their emotions better. Right? It's all about doing and showing and showing up in the ways that really validate the experiences that our kids have. And then this shift to validating, identifying, coregulating contributes to long term emotional intelligence, resilience, and trust, trust in your relationship with your kid.

Penny Williams [00:25:45]: That relationship is everything, guys. It's everything. When your kid is having a hard time, you have to come into it protecting that relationship and building that trust. So let's recap really quick before we close. The key here is instead of saying it's okay because that can invalidate how someone is feeling, use phrases like you're safe, we'll get through this, I'm here with you, We're gonna do it together. I'm here to help. How can I help you? All of those things are more effective and feel better to the receiver than just saying it's okay. You're going to acknowledge the challenge of that moment for that person because that is also validating.

Penny Williams [00:26:48]: Now this change for you can be very, very hard, guys. It took me a long, long time to get a grip on not being reactive. Right? It took me a long time to take control of my nervous system and be able to show up as a calm, empathetic anchor instead of more big emotions and more difficulty in the mix. It took me a long time to practice and learn how to show up as a co regulator instead of a co escalator. We all want this. We all want this for ourselves. We all want this for our kids. It can be super transformative for your entire family.

Penny Williams [00:27:38]: You know, my natural response now is calm. And it took me a while to get there, guys. But if I can get there, so can you. We can all do this. We can all show up as that calm anchor for our kids or for our other loved ones around us. So I encourage you to try these new phrases this week. Try you're safe instead of it's okay. Try it will be okay instead of it's okay.

Penny Williams [00:28:10]: Try letting your kid know I'm here with you, and I'm gonna help you through this. And try talking less and just being a coregulating presence more. I would love for you guys to jump on social media and share what those changes have been like. Are you getting any transformation, any difference in your interaction with your kid after you try this pivot in your parenting. You can go to the show notes for this episode at parentingADHDandautism.com/287 for episode 287. You can have links there on my website to all of my social media. You can find me on Facebook and Instagram, and I would love, love, love to hear how this is changing things for you, for your kid, for people around you. I am so thankful that you are here, that you're listening, that you are showing up to try to do more for your kid and for yourself.

Penny Williams [00:29:22]: I want you to be the parent you want to be. I want you to show up as the parent your kid needs, And I hope that this was just a little piece of helping you to do that. I will see all of you next time. Please take good care. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at parentingadhdandaustism.com and at thebehaviorrevolution.com.