Barb Fletcher [00:00:03]: When the stress is outside of our control, in other words, we don't get to decide what the weather is, how somebody else behaves, the things that people say, then the solutions for those are all inside of us. They're not outside of us.

Penny Williams [00:00:25]: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex, everyone. I'm so happy to have you here. And I have with me also resilience coach Barb Fletcher, and we are going to talk about building parent resilience, something that in our neurodivergent parenting community, we need, I think, more than ever, and we really rely on to be able to keep going when the struggle feels overwhelming at times. Barb, will you start by letting everybody know who you are and what you do, and then we will jump in.

Barb Fletcher [00:01:26]: That sounds great. So my name is Barb Fletcher, and I'm a coach helping people with stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. And this is an encore career for me. I spent thirty five years working for the province I live in in Canada, and I developed stress during my career that resulted in some significant issues that, it was only when the dentist, suggested a medical procedure that was going to break my jaw and wire it shut that I thought, I need to take some personal responsibility for stress. So when I finished up that career, I knew that I had lots left to give, and, boy, you know, the last six or seven years have been very stressful for many people, and it's been a wonderful opportunity for me to give back.

Penny Williams [00:02:29]: I love that. And it's so needed, especially right now. We need to have conversations about resilience more than ever. But I wanna start there. Can you define resilience for those who are listening so that we can really be on the same page about what you're about to talk about?

Barb Fletcher [00:02:48]: Well, I think we're naive if we think that our lives can always be free of stress.. And so resilience is really about our ability to bounce back from stress. So stress is going to happen. It's what we do with it. Do we react to it or do we have some capacity to process it and respond in all of the situations that could be coming up. And it it can be as simple as we oversleep or it could be, you know, a lifetime challenge, which perhaps some of your parents are facing with children who process information differently.

Penny Williams [00:03:39]: Yeah. Can we talk about stress for a minute? Because I know in my own history, in my own life, I was having some health issues years ago, and doctors kept saying, we don't see anything medically. Reduce your stress. And I went to doctor after doctor, and they kept saying, reduce your stress. Reduce your stress. And I was like, I can't give away my kids. I don't know what you want me to do. Because in my mind

Penny Williams [00:04:07]: Stress management was getting rid of these stressors. Mhmm. And then I learned that it's not really. It's managing our experience. Right? Will you talk to us a little bit more about what stress management really is?

Barb Fletcher [00:04:21]: So first of all, I want people to think about stress lining up in two buckets. It's not created equal. So the first bucket is stress that we have control over. So if you think about your children and their behaviors, Some of that you have control over, but a lot is outside of your control. Now what we're going to have for dinner tonight, we probably have control over. And when we have control over that stress, we can make a plan and we can figure it out. When the stress is outside of our control, in other words, we don't get to decide what the weather is, how somebody else behaves, the things that people say, then the solutions for those are all inside of us. Mhmm.

Barb Fletcher [00:05:21]: They're not outside of us. So no plan that you could have made would have resolved that because it really is needing to quiet the nervous system, and that's not something we talk about very much.

Penny Williams [00:05:36]: Yeah. It was something I learned years later. Mhmm. Years and years later. And I did get a diagnosis finally. I do have fibromyalgia, so there was something going on there. Mhmm. And stress made it worse for sure.

Penny Williams [00:05:49]: Exactly. And so I have this very clear signal in my body of when there's too much stress or when I'm not doing a good job managing it.

Penny Williams [00:05:59]: And then I need to focus more on my nervous system and my self care.

Penny Williams [00:06:03]: Yeah. What are some steps that parents can take to build their resilience? Where do we start with that?

Barb Fletcher [00:06:11]: I think the first thing is that we have to acknowledge and be aware of what we're feeling. So, you know, when we hearken back to the conversation that you had with the doctor who said, just put in place some stress management, if you don't really understand what is driving that stress, whether it's fear or pain or, you know, a fight or flight response. You can't think your way out of that situation. You really have to feel. So it's really about acknowledging what the emotions are and then quieting the nervous system. The tools that I am trained in are called HeartMath, and they're based in nearly forty years of peer reviewed science. And that was really important to me because I knew that the people I was going to be talking to would say, show me the proof. Does this really work? And so we are able to use the tools real time in the moment.

Barb Fletcher [00:07:23]: So, you know, when we talk about self care, self care often means we need to take ourself out of the situation. And that's a little bit of the uniqueness of HeartMath in that you can practice these tools when you're experiencing stress. And the hardest part always is just recognizing that it's being triggered in your body. How are you feeling?

Penny Williams [00:07:49]: Yeah. The body keeps the score.

Barb Fletcher [00:07:54]: It sure does.

Penny Williams [00:07:55]: The body tells us what we need, and it's up to us to recognize those signals and be able to do something with that that's gonna be helpful. So if we're having these stressful feelings, we're overwhelmed, we're triggered, we're tired, whatever it is, our nervous system is triggered, what then can we do? We have to recognize the feelings and feel them. Right?

Penny Williams [00:08:19]: What would be the next step?

Barb Fletcher [00:08:22]: So the next step is really using the breath and the nervous system to quiet it down. So a little known fact is that the heart actually sends more messages to the brain than the brain sends to the heart. So that's a bit perplexing for some because we've always thought that we could think our way out of these situations, and the truth is we're gonna need to feel our way out. So HeartMath has, a number of techniques. Then the first one is really just heart focused breathing. So all we do is focus our attention on the area of our heart. For some people, it may mean placing their hand over their heart area and just imagining that the breath is flowing in and out of the heart area. Now we do that by breathing in and out through the nose, not through the mouth, and that in itself is like if we were driving a car and it was accelerating, it would be like putting it in neutral.

Barb Fletcher [00:09:30]: Yeah. We're just coasting along, and that allows us to catch up. And so those kinds of quietings can work well for kids and parents in that we can do heart focused breathing wherever we are. We don't need any special equipment. We don't need to take a time out. All we really need is a cue that says, let's just connect. Let's just do heart focused breathing. And that will quiet it.

Barb Fletcher [00:10:06]: And thirty to sixty seconds, they'll have the ability to just bring it all down to a place where perhaps the conversation that you were trying to have, might actually be heard or understood.

Penny Williams [00:10:21]: Yeah. And it really does go for both parents and kids, every human being. This is important for our rate because we all have similar nervous system and biology. We've talked about what to do in the moment. We have the breath work. We're noticing. We're we're staying aware

Penny Williams [00:10:50]: Of how we're feeling. What can we do outside of those moments to build up more resilience? And I know it's learning some of these techniques, right, and implementing them in the moment. But are there other things that we can be doing to sort of strengthen ourselves or study ourselves?

Barb Fletcher [00:11:10]: Yes. Of course. You know, I always look at doing those real time in the moment as a bit of a firefighter. We're just you know, we're we're on emergency alert.

Penny Williams [00:11:23]: Yeah.

Barb Fletcher [00:11:23]: And so if we think of our bodies as having a battery and we continue to add resilience or charge to our battery, then what happens is when we encounter a stressful experience, what we do is we draw down perhaps a little bit on that battery. And maybe what'll happen is we'll have more capacity to be patient, to listen differently. And so it's important for parents to, when they're outside of those emergency situations, to practice these tools so that they can actually add capacity to their batteries. Now they can practice with their children as well because there's some magical times. It might be if you're in the car together. It might be if you're getting ready for bed, perfect time to take five minutes and do that extra practice. And what that means is it just raises the threshold before stress kicks in. I had a a client, a mom and a daughter, and the daughter was, you know, feeling a lot of stress at the end of the day, and so was the mom.

Barb Fletcher [00:12:48]: And they were having conversations just as soon as she got in the car. And what happened was the mom was still experiencing her busy day and the daughter, hers. And what I suggested was that they spend the first five minutes practicing before they got home then to have the conversation. And that's a bit peculiar because, you know, we all wanna, unravel all the things that have happened during the day. But that time permits people to bring their nervous system back to that reset and to be in a place where they can actually hear what the other person is likely to say. So bedtimes are great to practice alone or with your children. First thing in the morning, always a great time to practice. You know, before you start the day, it sets the tone and you show up with more capacity to be patient, understand.

Barb Fletcher [00:13:59]: If throughout the day something happens, that's important to do a reset as well. So even though you might have practiced in the moment, it's good to do a reset after the fact because without that, what happens is we carry forward in our subconscious something that may have happened.

Barb Fletcher [00:14:23]: And the next time we see a behavior or something similar, our nervous system is on high alert, and it's ready just in case it happens again.

Penny Williams [00:14:36]: Yeah. When you say practice, what does that look like? Is that the breath work, or is that something else?

Barb Fletcher [00:14:42]: It is. It is the breath work. So the quick coherence is just adding on to that technique of heart focused breathing, and what we do is we just focus our attention, and maybe let's just give it a practice if you're interested.

Penny Williams [00:14:57]: Yeah.

Barb Fletcher [00:14:58]: K. So what I'd like you to think about before we begin is a place, an experience, could be a pet. It's usually not people because people have wobbles, that whenever you think of that, you just feel love and appreciation. So does something come to mind?

Penny Williams [00:15:18]: The beach.

Barb Fletcher [00:15:21]: Yes.

Penny Williams [00:15:21]: My toes in the surf.

Barb Fletcher [00:15:23]: And, is it a particular beach? No. Okay. And is it the sun shining? Yes. And are you hearing birds?

Barb Fletcher [00:15:35]: Okay. And is it very quiet with with the exception of the birds or the people?

Penny Williams [00:15:42]: No people.

Barb Fletcher [00:15:43]: No people. Okay. We got it. Okay. So you can practice with your eyes open or closed. It doesn't matter. So we focus our attention in the area of our heart, and we just imagine that a breath is flowing in and out of our heart area. You breathe a little bit slower and a little bit deeper.

Barb Fletcher [00:16:05]: So heart focus, heart breath. Breathing in and out through your nose. A little bit slower, a little bit deeper. On the next out breath, I want you to feel that feeling of being at the beach. So heart focus, heart breath, heart appreciation. Breathing in and out through your nose, equal amounts, a little bit slower, a little bit deeper. So hard focus, hard breath.

Penny Williams [00:16:48]: It's peaceful.

Barb Fletcher [00:16:50]: Mhmm. So you can see that practicing that for five minutes in the morning and five minutes at night and in bed are two wonderful opportunities to recharge. If you can practice with a child and, you know, maybe it's a portion of that, maybe it's sixty seconds, and maybe it's just heart focused breathing. All of that adds to our inner battery.

Penny Williams [00:17:22]: Makes such a difference in our bodies. I used to think that breath work and breathing was just nonsense, honestly. It just seemed like that is not gonna help as big as my stresses or as big as my problems are, and I finally did some work on myself to embrace all of this and was just so shocked and floored by how much it changes our body and our systems in that moment. You can watch your heartbeat slow on a heartbeat monitor with slow deep breathing. There's so much to it, and it's so powerful, and I don't think we give it enough credit often enough. So and teaching our kids this, our kids with ADHD or autism or anxiety, even if it is just like you said, one minute a day can make a huge difference. And studies have shown that in kids who are neurodivergent, that the mindfulness that comes with the practice with the breath work or the other sorts of regulating activities that we do make a huge difference on the experience of our kids and their ability to regulate their emotions, which is often one of the bigger struggles that we run into. So this is magical, not just for us as the adults, but also for our kids, and it will make a lifelong impact for them.

Barb Fletcher [00:18:58]: It's really about as difficult sometimes as that is, it's about modeling the behavior. Mhmm. So when we change how self regulated we are, then our children experience us differently. I'll give you an example. I was working with a nurse, and the nurse said, you know, at the end of the day, I have nothing left to give to my kids. I get home, they have homework, and, you know, they're arguing. And so I said to her, when you get home, I want you to park your car, sit in your car, and practice quick coherence, just the practice that we did for five minutes. And she came back a week later, and she said, you're not going to believe this.

Barb Fletcher [00:19:49]: And I said, oh, she said, my kids have changed. Mhmm. Well, her kids didn't change at all. Her kids experienced her differently. Mhmm. So, you know, we've all been in a room where someone perhaps was agitated or angry, and they can influence how everybody feels. So it's our job to look after our own emotions to self regulate and to show up being the best version that we possibly can of us.

Penny Williams [00:20:26]: Shared energy. That's the way I like to talk about it and think about it. The way that we show up in a room with our child impacts the energy that they're showing up with.

Penny Williams [00:20:38]: And it can make an enormous difference. You know, this is something I talk about when I coach parents about, you know, when your kid is having big emotions or big behaviors, you have to come in with a more settled energy, a calmer energy because, otherwise, you're just gonna escalate the situation. You know? Two agitated people cannot calm each other down. It's not possible. Right? Two dysregulated people can't get to regulation, so it's part of our job as the parent to bring in that coregulating energy, and we need these practices like this for ourselves in order to be able to show up in that way.

Barb Fletcher [00:21:19]: And it's so much more than not raising our voice.

Barb Fletcher [00:21:25]: So, you know, it's what's actually happening on the inside, and that's what our children are relating to. And so you might not raise your voice, but, you know, perhaps you are dreading this situation. Perhaps, you know, you have some experience where it didn't go well, and your subconscious is carrying on a narrative. And even though everything looks fine on the outside, be a % confident that your child knows what you're feeling.

Penny Williams [00:22:00]: Yeah. It's easy to sense that energy, and it's hard for a parent to show up truly calm and truly settled when your child is explosive or having a lot of intensity. And, you know, part of the way that you're able to do that is that you have worked on your own nervous system

Penny Williams [00:22:24]: Enough that you can face these kinds of challenges

Penny Williams [00:22:29]: With that more settled energy knowing that this will pass, that your kid's having a hard time, that you will get to the other side of it. Right? I guess hope and optimism play a role there in being able to show up in that way as well.

Barb Fletcher [00:22:44]: Mhmm. Yeah. And it doesn't happen overnight, but what I can say is the magic with self regulation and the tools that I share with clients is that two weeks and people will feel dramatically different. And so I also have a measurement tool where people can take a stress assessment that indicates where their stress levels are on the physical side, work, relationships, financial, a whole series of, measures. And we can see the needle actually move when people do ten minutes of practice. Mhmm. So not hours, but a bit of just a bit of practice. And some of the surprising things with relationships, people go, it's just gotten so much easier.

Barb Fletcher [00:23:43]: And it has to do with what we're doing inside of ourselves.

Penny Williams [00:23:48]: We have to prepare ourselves first. Absolutely. You know? We talk so often in our culture that sacrifice of yourself is how to be a good parent,

Penny Williams [00:23:58]: And it's exactly the opposite in reality. We have to be able to show up as our best selves in order to do our best for our kids, and we can't do that if we ignore our own needs.

Barb Fletcher [00:24:11]: No. And we're not, talking a spa day here. We're talking ten minutes, five minutes in the morning and five minutes at night that can really set the tone for what's going to happen to our nervous system. Doesn't mean that the spa day isn't something we all want. Sure. It absolutely is, and it was probably something that should be in the cards. But that ability to spend ten minutes self regulating can just be a game changer.

Penny Williams [00:24:41]: Self regulation is self care, I think.

Barb Fletcher [00:24:45]: Yeah.

Penny Williams [00:24:45]: You know, building that muscle, building that strength. Barb, will you tell everybody where they can learn more about your work, where they can find you online?

Barb Fletcher [00:24:54]: For sure. So I have a social media page, Barb Fletcher coach, and I also, have a website, www.barb-fletcher.com. And on there, you can easily connect with me by email, and I'd be honored to have conversations with anyone who wants to know perhaps a wee bit more, wants to look at what their current stress levels are and see if there are some tools and strategies that we might be able to help them put in place to feel better.

Penny Williams [00:25:32]: Love that. Thank you.

Barb Fletcher [00:25:33]: And for everybody to thrive.

Penny Williams [00:25:35]: Yeah. Yeah. And I will link all of that up in the show notes for everyone. Thank you. Which can be found at parentingadhdandautism.com/305. I'll link up the website and the social media and all of that good stuff so that our listeners can easily connect with you and learn more and build their resilience with your assistance and your help. I appreciate you so much, Barb, and the work that you're doing and how you're supporting parents and adults and human beings. In the human journey and helping that experience to be a little more fulfilling and rewarding.

Penny Williams [00:26:17]: I appreciate you, and I appreciate you being here with us today.

Barb Fletcher [00:26:20]: Thank you for your time.

Penny Williams [00:26:22]: I will see everybody on the next episode. Take good care. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share. And don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at parentingADHDandautism.com and at thebehaviorrevolution.com.