Penny Williams [00:00:04]: Society is a group of individuals. Schools are groups of individuals. We are raising individuals. So kids need different things to figure out their best path.

Penny Williams [00:00:19]: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started.

Penny Williams [00:00:42]: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. I am going to do a very special episode because this is episode 300. I have now recorded for you 300 episodes of Beautifully Complex, and it has been a real journey and a learning and growth experience and really fulfilling for me to be able to help so many families like mine that have been struggling. So for episode 300, I want to tackle some myths about neurodivergence because there are many beliefs that are still happening every day all around us that limit our kids, limit us as parents, and cause a lot of struggle and hardship for people who don't need it nor deserve it. And I really wanted to talk about this in particular to challenge outdated thinking and to empower you with facts and strategies that really truly support our neurodivergent kids. Parenting neurodivergent kids is really hard. It comes with a lot of unique challenges, but also with so many incredible strengths and gifts.

Penny Williams [00:02:20]: I would not be the person that I am today without having a neurodivergent kid. I just wouldn't be. He has taught me so many things about being a human being, about the stories of others, about judgment and compassion and empathy and validation and pressure and all of these things that I just have such a different perspective on now, and I'm so very thankful for that. So as I love to you on the podcast, let's bust the top five myths that really hurt our neurodivergent kids and neurodivergent adults and talk about some things that we maybe should do instead or could do instead. Number one, and this is probably my number one pet peeve, they just need to try harder. Our kids don't need to try harder. They are trying very hard. They are trying so much harder than most people in their life notice or give them credit for.

Penny Williams [00:03:31]: They are working very hard. One day when my kid was, I would say, fourth grade, maybe fifth grade, he came home from school, and there was something about school that I needed to talk to him about. I probably had an email from a teacher or a a call from a teacher, and I had learned already not to take everything from one side of the story only. I had learned to not be judgmental and really listen. And he began to cry, and he said, nobody understands how hard I am trying. Nobody understands. Nobody sees it. And that was a real eye opener for me.

Penny Williams [00:04:18]: Our kids are trying very hard. All kids want to succeed. As Ross Greene has taught us, kids do well if they can. Not when they can, not if they want to. Kids do well if they can. That means that their intention is to do well 99.999% of the time. So effort isn't the issue with ADHD, autism, anxiety. It's not the effort.

Penny Williams [00:04:53]: It's their brain wiring. It's their executive functioning. It is their nervous system and regulation. Struggles with attention, emotional regulation, or learning are not laziness, folks. Please share this with everyone you know. It's not laziness. It's neurological. Not lazy, neurological.

Penny Williams [00:05:18]: Some supportive strategies you can use when it feels like a kid isn't trying hard enough. Scaffold the task, support where they are and the help and accommodation that they need. Provide some regulation strategies and the time and space to get regulated and validate their experience. I see that you're trying really hard. I get that nobody sees how hard you're trying. Trying isn't the issue, and I get it. So how can I help you? What can we do to support you and provide the strategies and tools you need to succeed in this area where people feel like you're not trying hard enough? Make sense? Myth number two. Neurodivergent kids need to fit in or act neurotypical in order to be successful.

Penny Williams [00:06:20]: That is so wholly untrue, folks. Completely and utterly untrue. We want our kids to be authentically themselves. We don't want them to pretend to be somebody they're not. Success isn't about masking or conforming. It's about embracing strengths and crafting a life that works for that individual. Forcing kids to act neurotypical leads them to burnout, to anxiety, to low self esteem, to depression, to giving up, and to stop trying altogether. Right? If you keep trying and trying and you're trying so hard and nobody ever sees it and you never succeed, how long until you quit trying? Same's true for our kids, people.

Penny Williams [00:07:16]: Some supportive strategies. Show up neuroaffirming. Create neuroaffirming environments for your kid, home, family, school, community. Celebrate their neurodivergence, advocate for accommodations, and model acceptance. I wanna say that again. Celebrate their neurodivergence, celebrate the amazing individual that they are, advocate for them for accommodations, and model self acceptance. That's how we get over the hurdle of giving the idea that they must fit in to be successful. Number three, and this is one these all drive me crazy.

Penny Williams [00:08:13]: That's why I'm talking about them. Right? Every time I'm like, oh, this one really gets me. All five of these really get me. I get really upset about them, and that's why we're here to bust these myths to help you find ways to overcome these myths that we have all around us. So number three, there's only one path to success. I call BS. Some people would not, but we all should because that's the truth. There are many, many different ways to success.

Penny Williams [00:08:47]: There are so many people who had terrible grades in school who are happy, successful adults. Neurotypical, neurodivergent, it doesn't matter, but that is the truth of the matter. You don't have to get good grades in high school and go to college and get a four year degree to be a happy, successful adult, period. End of discussion. It is just not true. Traditional schooling, college, and nine to five jobs don't work for everyone. Imagine if they did, how boring would the world be? How many community services and things would be totally out of whack? We would have lawlessness and trash everywhere, and it would just be bonkers. There is a place for everyone, and they need to find the place that fits for them.

Penny Williams [00:09:46]: Success looks totally different for each individual. Entrepreneurship, creative work, specialized fields, and alternative education paths are all valid. As you all probably know, if you've listened to any other episodes of this podcast that are recent, McKinnon is a young adult, and we are trying to give opportunities, explore different ideas, and figure out what kind of job or career he would like to have. And over the last week, we have been looking into surgical technician. He definitely needs to be in a helper field. He it lights him up to be a helper, and he is so kind and compassionate and empathetic. And he can have a career that's also an outlet for that that uses that strength. He's decided that nursing isn't quite the right fit because while he's good with blood, he's not really excited about other bodily fluids and things like that.

Penny Williams [00:10:46]: And so we were looking at things that are sort of aligned with nursing and found surgical technician. And let me just tell you folks, here in my area, North Carolina, it is a two year associate's degree at the community college, which is very inexpensive, less than $10, probably far less than $10 versus a different state supported school with housing and food and everything for four years at $90. And the pay the starting pay for a surgical technician is $43 an hour in The US. It can go up to a hundred grand a year for a two year degree, and he's pretty dang excited about that. That could definitely be a successful path if he enjoys it. And it didn't require good grades in high school, and it doesn't require a four year college degree. And I know many people with four year college degrees that don't make near that much money, don't have stable income, and that would provide a stable income. And income isn't the only measure of success here, people.

Penny Williams [00:12:05]: I am the first one to tell you that being comfortable financially is important. Being stable financially is important. What's more important is that you enjoy the work that you're doing because that's what brings real joy. So some supportive strategies for this myth about one and only one path to success. Identify your kids' strengths and interests. Find out what brings them joy, what lights them up, what would they like to do on a regular basis. Explore unconventional paths. There's community college.

Penny Williams [00:12:45]: There's mentorship. There's getting in on the ground level and being an assistant in something and working your way up. There's networking and finding an ally in the area that you'd like to work in. There's so many opportunities here to have a more unconventional path to success. And the the first and foremost really thing you have to do is to let go of societal expectations. You just gotta let go. You know what's right for your kid. Other people may not.

Penny Williams [00:13:24]: You know what's true and not true. You have to let that go. There's not only one path. I promise you, there is not only one path, and your kid needs to lead to discover the path that is right for them. Alright. Our fourth myth that we are going to challenge and bust wide open here, and this is one I hear from parents so often. Your kid just needs more discipline. Don't you love that one? Doesn't that one just make your skin crawl? Your kid just needs more discipline.

Penny Williams [00:14:09]: No. They don't. Discipline is not the answer. We have such a crime and punishment society. It's crime and punishment for actual crime. Right? But so often, we're criminalizing behavior that isn't really criminal. There's crime and punishment in parenting. I'm gonna tell you what to do.

Penny Williams [00:14:30]: You're gonna follow these rules or else you get this punishment. And punishment and discipline are there to teach a child not to do the same thing twice. But if you've got an impulsive kid, a clinically impulsive kid, they can't stop and think about that. It's not gonna work for them. But instead of going down the discipline path, we need to go down the behavior as communication path. The let's look at the science of behavior. Let's look at the autonomic nervous system. Let's look at regulation and dysregulation.

Penny Williams [00:15:08]: I teach people to stop saying good and bad behavior. It's regulated behavior and dysregulated behavior. That's it. Let's take the judgment out of it. More discipline is never the answer. And in fact, it's often more dysregulating, which makes things less doable for your kids. Many challenging behaviors are these instinctual nervous system responses. It is not intentional.

Penny Williams [00:15:36]: It's not intentional. It's happened whether it was the right thing or the wrong thing. It broke a rule or didn't break a rule, whatever. It's born out of dysregulation as a nervous system response to perceived danger, not having felt safety. So punishment isn't going to help a dysregulated child. Never, never, never. But understanding and regulation tools will help a dysregulated child. And when they get regulated, what happens? Behavior improves because things are doable, And their alarm in their nervous system isn't just screaming at them that there's danger and they must either fight or flee or freeze.

Penny Williams [00:16:23]: Right? And then our last and fifth myth, It comes around accommodations, and there's really two myths wrapped up in this one. One is that accommodations are unfair. Please. Please. Please. Please. It's unfair to not have a neurotypical brain and be told that you have to succeed in a school system designed for neurotypical brains. That's what's unfair.

Penny Williams [00:16:50]: And the second myth is that if we accommodate too much, then kids don't learn resilience. They don't learn how to challenge themselves and grow, which is also just not true. Accommodations actually level the playing field. They're not an unfair advantage. They're like putting on eyeglasses when you can't see. They're just leveling the playing field. Kids need different things to reach their full potential. You and I need different things to reach our full potential.

Penny Williams [00:17:25]: What may have helped you figure out your place in the world as an adult may not have helped me at all or vice versa. Individuals here, people. Society is a group of individuals. Schools are groups of individuals. We are raising individuals. So kids need different things to figure out their best path. We can advocate confidently for accommodations and educate others on why they matter. We can also educate others on the fact that resilience comes from being supported, not struggling alone.

Penny Williams [00:18:06]: Support, not being alone. Meeting needs builds confidence and self trust, and that leads to long term independence. Meeting needs builds confidence and self trust. Think about that for a minute. Self trust. Many, many, many of our kids who are neurodivergent struggle with self trust. They don't trust themselves to make decisions. They don't trust themselves to be able to succeed because that's what messages they're getting.

Penny Williams [00:18:40]: So we can provide scaffolding. Remember, scaffolding is support that we put up as it's needed, and then we can start to take it away piece by piece when that is doable, when a kid can still succeed, when we start pulling back the scaffolding and the support. We can encourage self advocacy, especially in my own experiences with the school. If my kid told them he needed something and I told them he needed the same thing, they were much more likely to listen if it came from him than if it came from me because they think parents just love their kids and want everything to be easy. And I get how it can feel like that and how it can sound like that when we ask for accommodations and so forth. So self advocacy is key to life success. We have to be able to ask for what we need when we need it and be able to support that request. Why do I need to, you know, email my assignments in instead of turn in papers? Why do I need to have a digital device out in the field at my job instead of shuffling and writing on paper.

Penny Williams [00:19:56]: Stuff like that. It's really important. We advocate for ourselves throughout our whole lives. We need to teach that early for our kids so that they can get the accommodations they need to succeed. And then we need to gradually build skills in a safe environment. How do we build skills in a safe environment? They have to be doable and just write challenges. But the whole key to building skills is that safe environment. If a kid doesn't feel safe physically, socially, psychologically, emotionally, mentally, then they are not available to learn.

Penny Williams [00:20:39]: Their nervous system is dysregulated. Their thinking brain is offline. They cannot learn new skills. Safety is paramount. A sense of felt safety is paramount. So those are our five myths, and I hope that I have sufficiently and effectively busted them for you and that you no longer believe any of these things if you even did or that they are validating exactly how you feel and exactly why hearing these things gets you and your kid upset. I wanna encourage you to shift your mindset from fixing to understanding and empowering your kid. Help your kid feel seen, heard, understood, and valued, and that will empower them to live well in a neurotypical world and to be themselves in that neurotypical world.

Penny Williams [00:21:46]: What myth really resonated with you most? What do you hear most often? What makes you upset most often? Or maybe what did you believe that now you realize is false? And then what's one thing that you're gonna shift about your thinking around these concepts and ideas this week? You can go to the show notes and answer those questions. I'd love to chat with you there. It's at parentingADHDandautism.com/300 because this is episode 300. And I have a special download free download for you there on the three hundredth episode. It is 300 small wins ideas, and I hope you'll go there and grab that and start implementing them. They are all simple, easy ways to get some quick wins, some small wins that will help to build more and more wins for your kid and for your family. Right? Because we are a collective unit. I hope to see you on the next episode.

Penny Williams [00:22:58]: Take good care.

Penny Williams [00:23:01]: Thanks Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share. And don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at parentingADHDandautism.com and at thebehaviorrevolution.com.