Penny Williams [00:00:03]: Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to my kid? Why does it have to be us? That is victim thinking that things happen to me and I have no control over them, and that keeps you very stuck. And I don't want you to be stuck. I want you to transform in the ways that I did when I started working on my mindset.

Penny Williams [00:00:29]: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started.

Penny Williams [00:00:53]: Hello, everybody. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. Today, I want to get your New Year started on the right foot by talking about transforming your thinking, your stream of consciousness to make room for joy. This is absolutely possible. That is the first thing I want to tell you because we so often think that it isn't possible to sort of decipher our path, to create our own path forward, just by focusing on our thinking and what we tell ourselves about the things that happened to us, and that's really the crux of it. We get to tell the story of the things that happened to us that we are a part of, and we tend to sort of go on autopilot and let the story just tell itself. Right? And what the neutrality of circumstances has taught me is that everything that happens is neutral. It might feel like the emotion that we attach to it, the story that we attach to it is obvious, and that's okay.

Penny Williams [00:02:08]: That's totally doable, but you have a choice. You get to choose your thinking around a situation. And this is so vitally important when we're talking about parenting complex kids, because there's a lot of struggle. Right? There's struggle for every human being, but sometimes it feels like there's a lot of extra struggle when you have a complex kid. So you really have to show up more mindfully for yourself and be more aware of your thoughts and take control. Do it on purpose. I love that quote from Dolly Parton. Do it on purpose.

Penny Williams [00:02:51]: Be intentional. And that intentionality is going to help you create room for joy. It is going to change your experience versus just letting everything happen to you or around you. Right? Or letting your feelings completely on their own dictate your thoughts and your actions. Yes. Our emotions happen naturally, and some things feel so outrageous that it feels like the the feelings and the story that we're telling ourselves about them can only be one way. But the truth is, every circumstance is neutral, and anything that happens on its surface is neutral. We decide how to feel about it.

Penny Williams [00:03:42]: We decide how to respond to it. But so often, we don't take control of that ability to make decisions. We don't take control of it, we just send it on autopilot. And because we are wired to focus more on the negative, for the negative experiences and feelings to scream louder at us, because that is nature's way of protecting us, we have to be very intentional about making sure that that doesn't describe and cloud that story that is ours to tell. So I wanna talk to you a little bit about how to manage your thinking, because it isn't easy. I started this journey of trying to figure out how to be happy, really, is what I thought I was doing, Back probably 8 years ago or so, I was just so tired of being a victim. I had a very victim mindset. I didn't realize at the time.

Penny Williams [00:04:44]: I always thought, for 42 years of my life, that happiness just wasn't in my circumstances. I didn't have the life circumstances. I didn't have the genetic circumstances. I didn't have the financial circumstances to just be happy, which isn't at all true. That's what I thought. And I thought, you know, when people talked about, well, you know, control your thinking, manage your thoughts. I'm like, that's hippie dippie nonsense. I did not believe in the power of it.

Penny Williams [00:05:18]: But at some point, I woke up and said, I cannot continue to eat, breathe, sleep, ADHD, challenges, struggles. It just was too much of the hard stuff. And so what I did was I googled happiness studies. That's where I started. Happiness studies. What do they tell us? What does the science say about being happy? And I can't really tell you much of that, honestly, because somehow it quickly led me to learning about the either victim mindset or survivor mindset in psychology. You can either have a survivor mindset or a victim mindset. And I realized very quickly, I was 100% victim camp.

Penny Williams [00:06:08]: I had a total victim mindset. Why did this happen to me? Why did this happen to my kid? Why does it have to be us? That is victim thinking that things happen to me, and I have no control over them. And that keeps you very stuck. And I don't want you to be stuck. I want you to transform in the ways that I did when I started working on my mindset. And again, that neutrality of circumstances was one of the first pieces. That hit me like a ton of bricks. I was like, really? Things are neutral.

Penny Williams [00:06:43]: And I didn't quite believe it at first, as you may not be believing it as you're listening to me say it right now. But even things that are horrific made someone happy. Even things we think are terrible made someone feel good. You can even think about murder. Murder, how could we think that's neutral? Right? How is that okay? The truth is, for the person who committed that murder, they got something out of it. It benefited them in some way. It was a short term relief. It was meeting some sort of, you know, inappropriate psychotic need, whatever.

Penny Williams [00:07:27]: It was not a negative for them, necessarily. That shows that circumstances are, in fact, neutral. And so from that neutrality, we realize that we do have more control than we think we do. So I want you to take a second right now and ask yourself, what is controlling your thinking? What are the key factors that drive how you think about different things that are happening or different circumstances that you have? Is it fear or hope? Compassion or your inner compass? Judgment of other people or your own values and boundaries? Maybe shame and blame or grace and forgiveness? Are these things that you can influence or control? The answer is yes. Each one of those had a negative fear, comparison, judgment, blame and shame. But on the flip side, they had a positive, hope, your inner compass, your own values and boundaries, grace and forgiveness, but you can influence all of that. You can take control of that narrative. I love this quote from Brene Brown.

Penny Williams [00:08:53]: She says, what we don't need in the midst of a struggle is shame for being human. I hear some amens happening. We do not need shame from other people or from ourselves. If you're shaming and blaming yourself, you're robbing yourself of energy that could be better used, that could serve you instead of make you feel worse. Your thoughts shape your entire experience. So if we remember that circumstances are neutral, our thoughts about those circumstances is what creates meaning. Our thoughts, our thoughts about the circumstances, is what creates meaning. So the stories that we tell ourselves, they determine the emotions, the feelings that we're going to attach to that event or circumstance, and that then determines our level of suffering.

Penny Williams [00:10:00]: We don't have to suffer as much as we do. We tend to expand our own suffering, and we just don't have to do that. Think too about the fact that we all experience the same environments and events differently. So in that neutrality of circumstances, you might feel like something was super negative and awful, and somebody else might think that that was a good thing. It is possible, and it does happen. And it's also true in our parenting. The way we want to parent our kids, we know is the best way to parent them. Right? If we have learned what we need to do and how we need to show up for our kids and and really grew to understand them.

Penny Williams [00:10:47]: Somebody else might think that we're doing it all wrong. Right? Because we have different beliefs around parenting. We also experience the same environments differently. We know this is very true for our complex kids, but it's actually true for all humans. You might feel good about something that others feel bad about. Right? It doesn't matter how the other people feel about it. That's right. It does not matter how the other people feel about it.

Penny Williams [00:11:20]: It matters how you choose, how you choose to feel about it. So let's look at an example. Imagine that your child has this intense meltdown. We've all been there. You're at the grocery store, and they are screaming, crying, kicking, throwing things, whatever it might be. People are coming around the corners of the aisles, staring at you, such judgment and blame on their faces. Right? In that circumstance, it's actually neutral, folks. That is a neutral circumstance.

Penny Williams [00:11:57]: What creates the stress or the frustration is the story that we attach to that circumstance. The thoughts that follow could be everyone's judging me, I can't handle this, he shouldn't be acting like this. But those thoughts turn a neutral event into something that is emotionally charged. So if you see the meltdown as simply a challenge to navigate without layering those thoughts, those negative thoughts, those big emotions on top of what is happening, then you can respond with more calm and clarity. Instead of spiraling into overwhelm, instead, you could think, my kid is having a hard time. He's not giving me a hard time, he's having a hard time. And this really sucks right now. It really sucks.

Penny Williams [00:12:55]: It is not fun whatsoever, but I can handle it. I can handle it. That allows space for problem solving. It allows space for resilience. It is good stuff, y'all. When you recognize that it's not the situation, but it's your interpretation of the situation, your thoughts that you're attaching, that's what creates the emotional strain, then you gain the power to shift your mindset, and you reduce the intensity of your own reactions. That's gonna lead to greater emotional wellness. It's going to lead to more moments of joy, because it will make room for positive things, for joyful things that you haven't had, because you've allowed all the negative to take up all the space and all the energy and all the air.

Penny Williams [00:13:59]: So how do we manage our thinking? That is a big question, and I get asked this question so often. One, it's a practice. It is something that you will have to keep trying, keep building your awareness and your mindfulness, and keep coming back to, okay, what am I thinking? What is the story I want to tell about this? How do I want to handle this? And lean into it with intention and purpose. So some thought management tools. One is that awareness I was just telling you about. Start by just doing the noticing. You know that I am a huge fan of teeny tiny steps, especially starting out. Give yourself or your kid something that is absolutely 100% going to be successful.

Penny Williams [00:14:51]: So just start by noticing the thoughts that you're having. Ask yourself, what am I thinking right now? Take a breath even, a big belly breath to give yourself that time to really notice what you're thinking. When you recognize unhelpful thoughts, that is the first step towards being able to change those thoughts. Right? I can't change my thinking if I'm not even paying attention to it. I have to pay attention to it first. 2nd, we need to reframe our thinking. We talk about this in the realm of our kids' behavior. We reframe the behavior.

Penny Williams [00:15:32]: Basically, what we're doing is we're reframing the thoughts and stories that we attach to the behavior. We need to do that for everything. Challenge negative thoughts by asking yourself, is this true? Can I see it any differently? Can I feel any differently about it? It's okay if the answer to that is no sometimes, but a lot of times, the answer is going to be yes. Reframing helps you shift from that negative to a more empowering perspective. Okay. Number 3, gratitude practice. I know everybody's talking about gratitude. It's the buzzword.

Penny Williams [00:16:19]: It's the buzz thing. You know why? Because it works. It works, folks. It helps you to gain control of your thinking because it is helping you to focus on the positive. It is giving you an exercise that is helping you to focus on the positive things that happen. And, again, the negative is going to take over. It is going to grow and get bigger, because that's the way we're wired. So we have to practice focusing on that positive stuff that is getting outshined by the negative.

Penny Williams [00:17:03]: So when you're overwhelmed and things are really hard, I want you to consciously focus on one thing that has gone right. One thing, and it can be the tiniest of things. I only asked my kid to brush his teeth 9 times today instead of 10. That's a positive. That's a move in the right direction. Right? It can be tiny because some days are just super hard. There's always something that you can find and remind yourself has been positive, and that shifts your mind toward positivity and resilience because, of course, we need to be resilient. We want to be resilient, and we want to raise resilient kids.

Penny Williams [00:17:48]: And honestly, you cannot raise a resilient kid if you are not resilient yourself. Next, I wanna talk to you about how to notice 3 things that kind of get you started in being in control of your thinking. Now, we're gonna get to the meat of it. How do we actually make change? So first is that noticing, as we talked about. You're paying attention to your thoughts, specifically when you feel stressed, you feel overwhelmed. You're gonna ask yourself, what is running through my mind right now? That awareness is the first step, but build that awareness practice into when things get hard. Next is the challenge, and it's not the challenge, the struggle that's in front of you. It is challenging yourself and your thinking and the story you are attaching to that struggle.

Penny Williams [00:18:50]: So question the truth and usefulness of your thoughts. Ask yourself, is this really true? Is this reality, or is this another is there another way to look at this? And challenge the story you're telling yourself. We've already talked about that a little bit. That's a good reminder. And then lastly, the shift. This is where the rubber meets the road. Replace those unhelpful thoughts with more empowering thoughts. Shift I'm failing my kid to I'm learning how to be the parent they need, and that is progress.

Penny Williams [00:19:30]: Or you can shift d's on a report card are wholly unacceptable to my kid is struggling, and I need to figure out how I can help them. I'm going to help them. Big shifts, little shifts, they all make a huge difference. So let's talk just for a minute about emotional resilience too. Because with this focus on your thoughts, focusing on being more intentional, more purposeful, more in control can be boosted by emotional resilience. When you know that you can do hard things, you can feel hard things, you're going to get past it. You will get to a better place again. That is emotional resilience, and that certainty and confidence can help you in controlling your thinking, taking ownership of that story and the messages and the meanings that you attach to that story.

Penny Williams [00:20:40]: Another great Brene Brown quote is that grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame. Shame does not serve us. Giving ourself grace, seeing that mistakes happen, and that means we're just human, that serves us. That gives us the ability to learn from it and to move forward. So self compassion, treating yourself with the same understanding and kindness you'd offer a friend. How would you speak to your friend? How would you think about what is going on with your friend? You owe yourself that same compassion, grace, empathy, understanding. You matter just as much as that person matters. You're worthy just as much as your friend is worthy.

Penny Williams [00:21:31]: Give yourself self compassion. If you can't do that, you are not going to be in a place to really take control of your thinking and your path, and getting to that place that is serving you and serving your family better. You know, when when I was in that victim mindset, my family members would avoid me. My husband would come in from work and beeline right past me and not even say a word. Nobody wanted to come to the dinner table because all I was gonna talk about was the struggle and what I learned and what we need to do and just all of the heavy stuff. And it was weighing down my whole family. And when I started shifting to a survivor mindset, to taking control, instead of just feeling like everything was happening to me, my whole family just let out this big sigh of relief. You felt it every single day, and it changed the mindset of everyone in the household, and things got a lot better.

Penny Williams [00:22:40]: We were able to make room for joy. They were sometimes very small moments, but we could have them and notice them, because I was working on doing that. So I want to give you a few techniques to build your emotional resilience before we close. One is pause and breathe. This is, like, one of my favorite first steps for just about anything that's happening. Just take a big, deep, empathetic belly breath, whether you're with your kid, by yourself, with somebody else. This gives you, 1, some regulation, because deep breathing provides regulation to our nervous system. It gives you a moment to be purposeful about your thinking and be purposeful about the ways that you respond or act.

Penny Williams [00:23:35]: It creates space for a thoughtful response. Second, label your emotions. Let's acknowledge how you're feeling. We don't wanna avoid it. We don't wanna stuff it down. None of that will serve you at all. You need to acknowledge what you're feeling, good, bad, ugly, all of it, and name it, because when you name it, you're actually reducing the intensity. It gets bigger and bigger and bigger when you avoid it.

Penny Williams [00:24:08]: What you resist will persist. Right? Sometimes what you resist will also grow. There's a saying, I don't know who to attribute it to you right now, but what you water grows, absolutely, and that is really important. I want you to also make time for self compassion breaks. Sometimes we call this self care, but people think self care needs to be a whole day or a whole week or a trip to the spa, and that is not true. Self compassion is self care. You can remind yourself that it is okay to struggle. Being a human being means you are going to have some struggle.

Penny Williams [00:24:48]: Talk kindly to yourself. That little voice inside needs to be as kind to you as it is to anyone else. Talk to yourself like you would talk to your most cherished friend. The 4th technique for building emotional resilience is to focus on the present. Take a second to get grounded. Plant your feet on the floor. Put your hands on over your chest. Have something in your hands, like my son in 3rd grade at the school he went to for a very short time.

Penny Williams [00:25:18]: They sat down on the floor, they noticed how their butts felt on the floor, and they had smooth river rock in their hand, and they would notice and rub that rock, notice how it felt. That's grounding. That helps you to stay in the moment rather than spiraling into what ifs or past regrets or future casting, being super worried about the future. Those grounding exercises, like focusing on your senses can also help. I see 5 things that are green. I see 3 things that smell good, whatever it is. Right? Or I I smell 3 things. I taste 2 things.

Penny Williams [00:25:56]: I feel one thing, touch. Those are great exercises. We often attribute them to working for people with anxiety, but that is a grounding exercise. That's why it works for anxiety. Number 5, cognitive reframing. Challenge that negative thought by asking yourself, what is another way that I can look at this? Shifting the perspective can help you to reduce your emotional overload. What happens? How do we get to overload? We keep piling things on. Right? And when we're piling on the emotions that we haven't dealt with, we're going to get to overload.

Penny Williams [00:26:38]: We're going to get to overwhelm and burnout, and we don't want that. It doesn't serve us or anyone else. Our 6th and last technique to build emotional resilience is get support, people. Get support. A loved one, a family member, a friend, an organization in your town, find someone. It can also be professional support, a therapist, a counselor, a parenting group. Just find some place that you can share what you are going through. You will feel less alone, and it will also lighten that emotional load.

Penny Williams [00:27:17]: I've given you a lot to focus on here, but I just wanna break it down to the really simple where to start for you, and that is to start by learning about the neutrality of circumstances and accepting, believing in the neutrality of circumstances, believing that you can control your thinking, and that that can change your path and your journey. Start with that and then build from there. But I promise you, if I, the one who thought for 42 years, didn't have what was needed to be happy that wasn't in my fate and I could adopt this and benefit greatly from it, it changed my life completely, then I know that you can do it too. The show notes for this episode will be at parentingadhdandautism.com/295 for episode 295, and I will see you in the next episode. Please take good care.

Heather Chauvin [00:28:23]: Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at parentingadhdandautism.com and at behaviorrevolution.com.