Penny Williams [00:00:03]: It is a very powerful thing for kids to experience successfully doing something independently, and that cannot happen if we are just controlling them. Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Hi, friends. Welcome back to Beautifully Complex. In this episode today, I wanna talk to you about control, controlling your parenting, controlling your kids.

Penny Williams [00:00:57]: We have this idea in our culture that as parents, our job is to control our children. And I am here today to argue that that is not the case at all, and that we are actually holding our kids back when we focus on controlling them. Now sometimes parents will say to me, well, if I don't control my kid, I can't protect my kid. And I will argue with you on that point. Yes. You can. Because your job is not to protect them from everything in the world. They still need to make mistakes.

Penny Williams [00:01:41]: They need to do hard things. They need to struggle sometimes in order to learn and grow. Rather, what you're really saying is that you want to be able to keep your kid safe, and you can keep your kids safe and also relinquish a great deal of your parental control over them. So I wanna talk to you about these 5 different reasons why trying to control our kids is not the best approach, both for us and for our kids, and really for the world in general, if, my idealism will show through a little bit here. So we're gonna talk about releasing control to foster autonomy, to help kids learn critical thinking skills and problem solving skills, and to have more authentic connections and a better relationship with our kids. We're going to shift from compliance based parenting, which is very much control based, to connection based parenting, because connection is everything. If our nervous system is regulated, we feel connected. If we do not feel connected, our nervous system is dysregulated.

Penny Williams [00:03:15]: And when our nervous system is dysregulated, things become less doable. We don't feel good. Behaviors that are unwanted tend to happen. We let our emotions control our decisions. All of those things happen with a lack of connection. And so that relationship with your kid has to really govern all of your parenting. And I know I remember back in the day when I was a kid, parents would say, my job is not to be your friend. My job is to be your parent.

Penny Williams [00:03:52]: And that is sort of true, but it's also true that it's okay to be a friend to your kid. It's okay for your kid to feel like you are their friend. That is the mark of a great relationship. So don't worry about making sure that you have this authoritarian relationship with your kid, because that is actually holding you back. So let's jump into that first reason why you should stop trying to control your kids, and that is that strong parent child relationship. Relationships are built on mutual respect and empathy, and when they are built on those things, they have a lasting positive impact. When you have a good relationship with your kid, that connection is coregulating. It helps them to be regulated.

Penny Williams [00:04:54]: That connection also means that your child is going to come to you when they need help rather than avoid you. There are so many benefits of fostering a really good relationship with your kids, and you should prioritize that relationship above just about everything else, above getting homework done, above social commitments, above all those things that they tell us are important, getting your kid to school. We see so many families struggling with school avoidance and refusal now. Your relationship with your kid matters more than if they go to school or not that day. I know that doesn't seem like a factual statement, but I promise you it is. That relationship is crucial. When you are trying to control your kid, they feel bad. They just feel bad.

Penny Williams [00:05:50]: They're not going to want to come to you. They're not going to want to open up emotionally. They will feel like they are only going to be judged, and then you are going to try to control that outcome. When you try to control your child, it often leads to distance and frustration. They will put distance between you and them, And you will get frustrated, they will get frustrated. This mutual frustration happens so often. Right? We find ourselves co escalating when our kids have big emotions and things like that. It is a mutual frustration.

Penny Williams [00:06:32]: But we are the adult, and we have the skills and the practice to come into those situations by offering coregulation, by dealing with our own frustration. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be frustrated. I'm just saying that you have the ability more than your child to cope with that frustration, and to problem solve, and to come to the situation without just letting that emotion control what you do and what you say and how you say it. There are things that you can do to strengthen that parent child relationship, like active listening, reflective listening, being fully present. We talk all the time about time in, special time, having time together on a regular consistent basis where you are fully present. You're not looking at your phone. You're not answering a parenting question from your significant other down the hall. You're not watching TV in the background or anything like that.

Penny Williams [00:07:36]: You're fully fully present, and then creating open lines of communication. This is what you need to help your child be the best that they can be, and it's what you need to be the best parent that you can be as well. Our second reason for stopping the need for control of our children is one of my favorite phrases that I learned from Greg Santucci, connection over compliance. When we are having a hard time with our kid, because they are having a hard time, big emotions, intensity, volatility, whatever it might be, the most helpful effective way to approach that hard time is by leaning into connection rather than compliance. Compliance is a short term solution to a problem. It is a Band Aid. It does not last. And, honestly, when we are just looking for compliance, we are robbing our kids of the ability to grow, to be autonomous, to learn skills, to feel like they matter in the world.

Penny Williams [00:09:02]: It's a big deal. So we want to really focus on connection over compliance. If you've asked your kid to do something and they are hemming and hawing or they are refusing, whatever it might be, rather than pressuring them to comply, ask yourself how you can come into that situation building connection instead. One example could be cleaning your room. Your child needs to clean their room. You've asked them many times. It is not getting done. You could threaten.

Penny Williams [00:09:37]: You could, you know, remind them of a particular punishment or consequence that might be coming down the pike. You could try to force compliance, or you could try to connect with your kid and help them, because they are not avoiding cleaning their room just because they don't wanna clean their room. That is true, but most kids wanna do well. And so what's happening is there's some barrier getting in the way. So what if you just walked in and said, hey. Today, we're gonna get all the dirty clothes off of your floor and into the laundry room. I'm gonna help you. And you just bend over and you start doing it.

Penny Williams [00:10:20]: You start picking those dirty clothes up off of the floor. The likelihood is that your kid is going to start doing it with you. Can't say a 100% of the time, but you are offering coregulation, and you are sending the message that you see them. You get it. You understand. It's hard for them, and you want to help. So, again, compliance can create a short term solution. You can say no electronics next week if you don't clean this room right now.

Penny Williams [00:10:51]: If electronics are your child's currency, if they are motivating, then they may do whatever they need to do to try to get that room cleaned up for you. But if you work on connecting, then there are no power struggles anymore. There's no resentment anymore. If you work on helping, the same outcomes are true. When you build the connection with your kid, it fosters trust, which helps them self regulate because they feel safer and more secure. So when you have things that you've asked your kid to do, and they feel non compliant, ask yourself how you can make them feel safer and more secure in that situation. And remember, when I talk about safety, it is also mental, emotional, and social safety. It is not just physical safety.

Penny Williams [00:11:53]: You can prioritize connection in lots of ways, like spending time that is very intentional together, which I just talked about in fostering that relationship. Right? And you can validate their emotions and their experience without judgment. Wow. I see that your room is so overwhelming. When I ask you to clean your room, you probably have no idea where to start, and it feels like it is a mountain that you cannot climb. I get that. It is a lot. What if we start by just picking up the dirty clothes today? That's it.

Penny Williams [00:12:34]: We're just gonna grab them up in our arms, and we're gonna take them to the laundry room, and I'll even race you. Let's see who can pick up more faster. On your mark, get set, go. Imagine those two scenarios, how differently your kid is going to respond. Right? So connection over compliance, foster a strong parent child relationship. When you relinquish some control, those things can happen. Do you like free stuff? Well, you're in luck because Buy Optimizer's Black Friday deal starts now, and they're giving away free gifts with purchase. That's right.

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Penny Williams [00:14:23]: This exclusive deal is only available at byoptimizers.com/complex, and use code complex to get your discount and free gifts. Plus, all Bioptimizer's supplements are best in class. If for some reason you feel differently, you can get a full refund up to 1 year after your purchase. No questions asked. Again, the link to go to right now for the exclusive deal is byoptimizers.com/complex, and use code complex. Reason number 3 to stop trying to control your kids is that when we let go of control, we allow our kids to think critically and find their own solutions. Those are essential skills for life, folks. Those are essential skills for adulting, problem solving, and critical thinking.

Penny Williams [00:15:27]: If you are trying to control your kid, then you are telling them what to do. You're not giving them the space to figure it out. You're not giving them the space to make mistakes and learn from them either, and that doesn't give them the space to do hard things and get to the other side of it. There are so many skills here that we are fostering when we stop trying to control our kids. Constant control prevents our kids from developing those problem solving skills because they don't get the chance to make choices or to face challenges on their own. When I did the anxiety summit 2024, about a month before I am recording this, I was talking with Leonore Skenazi, author of Free Range Parenting and cofounder of Let Grow. And we were talking about how independence really helps to counterbalance anxiety. And in their program at let grow, they challenge kids to choose something that they want to do wholly by themselves, completely independently.

Penny Williams [00:16:49]: And then they have them do it, and then they report back about what that experience was like. And so often, kids realize that they can do more on their own than they think they can. They just need someone to believe in them, to believe that they can do it, and then they will take the risk and they will push forward and they will figure it out. It is a very powerful thing for kids to experience successfully doing something independently, and that cannot happen if we are just controlling them. If you want to model or encourage critical thinking and problem solving skills, you can do things like asking open ended questions and letting your kids brainstorm for solutions to those everyday problems. If your kid comes to you and says, mom, dad, nana, papa, how do I do blank, or what do I do now? Don't give them the answer. Ask them what they think comes next. Ask them how they think that process should go.

Penny Williams [00:18:09]: Help them to navigate the path without telling them what to do or how to navigate that path. Hopefully, that makes sense to you. Reason number 4 to stop controlling your kids is because when you control your kids, they cannot develop any sort of autonomy, and we need autonomy for confidence, for self esteem, for motivation, to feel like we have purpose in the world. Right? It is so very important, and we have so many systems in place in our culture that remove any sense of autonomy. If you think about our school system, it is about everyone doing things the same. It's about consistency and compliance and fitting in, and that then removes any potential for developing autonomy. Lots of great teachers will offer choices in maybe the assignments that they give or things like that, little glimpses of autonomy, but we need to give kids full access to developing autonomy, and we do not do that whatsoever if we are focused on controlling them. Giving kids age appropriate autonomy helps them feel capable, confident, as I just said, and they learn to trust themselves.

Penny Williams [00:19:47]: Oh my gosh y'all. They learn to trust themselves. That is huge, especially kids who are anxious, especially kids who have neurological differences or neurodivergent, trusting themselves doesn't come easy because they notice those differences, or they fear negative outcomes. So fostering autonomy to help our kids trust themselves and their own judgment, their own decisions and choices is huge, and you can encourage that in so many different ways. Allow your kids to pick out the clothes they're gonna wear to school, what they'd like to have in their lunchbox, what they'd like to have for breakfast. Maybe on Fridays, the kids take turns choosing what you're going to have for dinner together, and give them some little responsibilities. That is another great way to build autonomy. If you want to give your kid the responsibility of feeding the cat every day, Set them up for success.

Penny Williams [00:20:53]: Make sure they understand what the process is. They have executive functioning challenges. Post a list of the steps or photographs of the steps for them. Make sure they can be successful, but give them that responsibility, and then notice their success with it. And then our number five reason for not trying to control your kids is that we are trying to raise individuals. We are not raising mini mes. We are not raising mini versions of ourselves. We are raising individual unique people.

Penny Williams [00:21:36]: Little people who need some guidance, yes, but they are individuals. They should have the opportunity to develop their own interests, their own beliefs, their own strengths, and their own path. And like I was talking about a second ago, in education, we can give kids more choice about what they want to study, for instance. At home, we can give kids more choice about the activities that they want to participate in, when they do their homework, when they take their daily shower. We can give them those opportunities so that they can develop into the person that they are meant to be, into their authentic self. And, again, when we're talking about kids who are neurodivergent or have anxiety, it's very hard for them to sometimes be very real in front of others because they're afraid that those differences might be judged. And so it's our responsibility to help them feel safe and secure in who they are and to develop their own unique personhood. I challenge you to really let go of some of your expectations around your kid being like you, And that is not the easiest thing to do, especially if there were lots of things that were part of your childhood that you really enjoyed.

Penny Williams [00:23:07]: We tend to attach that to our kids' childhood and say, well, you know, my childhood was happy because of the summer camp I went to every year, for example. So my kid really needs to go to the summer campers or similar summer camp because that's what childhood is about, and that's what brings joy. Well, maybe that's not true for your kid. Maybe you have a kid who hates the outdoors or, you know, doesn't like being away from mom and dad for a long period, doesn't like going somewhere where they don't know anyone. We need to offer opportunities, and we need to let our kids choose where they want to go. What opportunities do they want to engage with? What opportunities do they want to pass up? It is okay if they pass things up that you feel like are important. They may come back to them. They may not be important for them.

Penny Williams [00:24:04]: It doesn't mean that they're not going to have a happy, successful adulthood, whatever that looks like for them. Give them the opportunity for self discovery, and they will find themselves. They will find their greatness and their joy, and they will figure out the path for them. But if we try to pigeonhole them into the path that we think they should take, if we try to pigeonhole them into being the person we think they should be or believing the things that we believe, we are creating a huge cavernous gap in that relationship for one thing, and we're not helping them be their authentic selves. We are sending the message that they're not supposed to be who they are. They can't be who they are. Who they are isn't okay, and none of those messages are what we want for our kids. So let's recap.

Penny Williams [00:25:01]: We have five reasons that we need to stop trying to control our kids. Number 1, the parent child relationship is everything, and you want to foster a strong relationship. Number 2, connection always works better than trying to force compliance. Number 3, we need to be able to teach problem solving and critical thinking skills, and that can't happen if we control our kids. Number 4, we want our kids to develop autonomy and to have the confidence and the motivation, the self esteem that goes with that. And then reason number 5, we are raising unique individuals. We're not raising many versions of ourselves. When we relinquish the control, our kids get to follow their own path.

Penny Williams [00:25:58]: Remember, as a parent, your role is a guide and a supporter. I often talk about it as though you're the Sherpa. You're helping, and you're providing your wisdom, but they are determining how they want to go on that journey and what that journey looks like for them and how they receive it, what emotions and stories they attach to it. When you take up the role as the guide and the supporter, you're helping them to navigate life with confidence and curiosity and resilience, because they're learning all those skills that they don't get to learn if you're trying to take control. So I want you, over the next week, to try one small intentional shift toward connection over control. What can you do to foster connection? What can you do to relinquish some control? I promise you in the end, it will be a better outcome. It will help you to show up as the parent that you want to be for your kid. You can access the show notes for this episode at parentingADHDandautism.com/288 for episode 288.

Penny Williams [00:27:28]: Please take good care. I will see you next time. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at parentingadhdandautsism.com and at thebehaviorrevolution.com.