Kristi Simons [00:00:03]: Those times when you're really feeling low, what small steps can I take to start to bring me back up to a place where, you know, I feel better? And that for everybody is gonna look different. That's gonna take time. But, yeah, it's it's definitely really important just to take those small steps because every small step, I believe, empowers our confidence because action is what empowers confidence.

Penny Williams [00:00:30]: Welcome to the Beautifully Complex podcast, where I share insights and strategies on parenting neurodivergent kids straight from the trenches. I'm your host, Penny Williams. I'm a parenting coach, author, and mindset mama, honored to guide you on the journey of raising your atypical kid. Let's get started. Welcome back, friends. I am joined by Christy Simons today, who is a team life coach and host of the Confident Teen podcast. And we're gonna talk all things teens and confidence. This applies to young adults too and preteens even.

Penny Williams [00:01:12]: You know? The more we know about building confidence in our teens earlier than the teen years, the better off they're gonna be when they do reach those teen years. So I hope everybody will listen. It's gonna be a really important conversation. But first, Christy, do you wanna start by telling everybody a little more about who you are and what you do?

Kristi Simons [00:01:31]: Yes. Absolutely. Penny, thank you so much for having me today. It is such a pleasure to be here. You were just on my podcast. It actually just launched yesterday. So this is really exciting, and I'm just really excited that get to have another conversation because the last one was really, really wonderful. So Mhmm.

Kristi Simons [00:01:47]: My name is Christie. As you said, I am a teen life coach. I'm actually a certified teacher. So I was a teacher for just over 12 years before I made the decision to step away from the classroom to pursue this passion of mine, teaching teens how to leave their lead their lives with more confidence. And the reason I chose this path is because I realized that it was really during those formative years, those teen years, that I had really lost a lot of my self confidence, my self worth. And looking back, I can see that there were so many essential life skills that had I known them, they could have significantly impacted my life for the better and help me take steps more confidently towards adulthood and towards the things that I was truly desiring in my life. And this is why I have decided that, you know, these skills that I was noticing were not taught in the traditional school system. I was just going to branch out and teach them on my own.

Kristi Simons [00:02:43]: So this is the work that I do today, really just taking so much of that brokenness from my teen years and having that fuel me and lead me and guide me forward to helping teens, as I said, to feel more confident in their lives as well.

Penny Williams [00:02:58]: Yeah. And why don't we teach that stuff in school? We we send kids to school to prepare them for life, but we don't really prepare them for life. It's so frustrating. I think so many teens have a really hard time where if we had more, like, social emotional learning, more confidence, and just how to be a good human, I think it would make such a difference.

Kristi Simons [00:03:22]: Yeah. For sure. And as a confidence coach, team life coach, I feel like that word confidence can just be such a big word for people. I often have parents come to me, and the first thing that they will say is just I want them to feel or I want them to have more confidence, but it's not something that just clicks and happens overnight. I definitely believe that we all have what I like to call it's almost like this, like, soul spark. So our soul is able to spark our confidence when we are truly, honestly surrounded by joy is where I feel like it's really cultivated. But confidence in itself, what I have noticed over the last 4 years on my own journey is that it is something that needs to be worked at and practiced every single day.

Penny Williams [00:04:06]: Mhmm.

Kristi Simons [00:04:07]: And I feel like the source of the energy for your confidence within is really honestly fueled by just that taking actions in your life that really align with you and the desires that you have for yourself and the ways that you want to feel. So those are some of the practices and the skills that I work on teaching the teens that, I lead through my business.

Penny Williams [00:04:29]: I think it's so important for them too to be able to show up authentically, and I think so many teens and young adults don't feel like they can do that, either out of fear or perceived that they might be rejected or something like that. How do we help them to be more confident in who they are even? Because I think that makes just such a difference in how we show up every day if we feel like we can be ourselves.

Kristi Simons [00:04:56]: I so I absolutely love this question, and I love that you're asking this today. Before we jumped on, I did tell you that I'm kind of just moving through the waves of life. And this podcast, podcasting in general, my podcast and meeting with other people to connect and have these meaningful conversations, I know that this is a source of my joy. And this is something, as I said, that it does fuel that confidence that I have inside of me, and it really helps that to shine and to grow. But this morning, I I definitely had thoughts around canceling and not showing up because anger and sadness are present currently in my life, and I'm facing some struggles and some challenges. And honestly, thinking back to teen me or even myself in my twenties and earlier thirties, that is something that would have been completely I feel like I can still show up for the things that I I truly love and I truly enjoy knowing that yeah. Like, I'm confident in the way that I'm able to manage and move through. To me, I think I always believe that somebody who is confident was somebody that had to feel good all the time and be their best all the time and look perfect all the time.

Kristi Simons [00:06:11]: And the more I do this work for myself and for others, I'm becoming more aware that really truly confidence is being able to show up to a situation and be in that situation feeling the way that fits that experience. Right? Mhmm. And it's just about learning how to manage and move through that. So this morning, before showing up for this conversation, I told myself, like, I wanted to be here. So what can I do? What do I teach my clients that I can now put into practice to be able to show up and have this conversation center, to feel anchored and grounded within yourself. That connection with yourself is so, so very important in being able to trust yourself. I trusted the little voice within this morning that was like, Christy, fear and sadness are gonna come along for the ride. You've walked.

Kristi Simons [00:07:07]: You've moved through it. You've done things, but you need to show up for this conversation because there's definitely gonna be something there that you are able to share. And so something that I shared with you that I know that you'll be able to share with your audience afterwards is the my anchor activity. Yep. So when I talk about holding center or staying grounded within yourself, then my anchor activity, I feel, has been such a game changer for some of my clients because they're actually able to put visually on paper the things in their life that mean a lot to them. So for me, podcasting and connecting with other people is something that means a lot to me. But because I was navigating life's challenges and life's storms this week, I really had to anchor myself in. And my anchors in my life are things like walking, running.

Kristi Simons [00:07:54]: I love to paint. I like to meditate. Like, there's lots of things that I can do for myself to help me, as I said, manage those emotions so that I'm able to show up for the things that I love and not completely miss out on my life. So

Penny Williams [00:08:05]: Yeah.

Kristi Simons [00:08:05]: That is really, I feel like, where confidence is cultivated is is trusting ourselves and knowing that we can move through things that are uncomfortable and come out on the other side with that as a learning experience.

Penny Williams [00:08:16]: Yeah. And I think that's a huge struggle for most of our neurodivergent population. You know, my own kid who is 21 now, he is avoidant. He's very avoidant. I don't wanna do uncomfortable things. I don't even wanna think about the possibility of doing uncomfortable things. Right? And so it's something that we've had to be much more mindful of, and really purposeful around. You know, we've really had to sit down and think about, okay, what sort of activities might be able to challenge that a little bit to push in that direction? You know, he certainly has his safe spaces, what he considers as safe spaces, and and he retreats to those often, but often we see, and this is true for, you know, a lot of neurodivergent kids, that they wanna spend all their time there because that just feels safer.

Penny Williams [00:09:11]: Right? And so really helping kids to be able to take a risk, to be uncomfortable can be really difficult. It can be really challenging. You know, we've been working on this for years. I wish I knew when he was younger to focus more on it. You know, I kind of thought, oh, well, with maturity and with working on skills and things, this will just get better, and it really doesn't. You really have to be very mindful. You know, as a person with anxiety, I've had to do the same thing for myself. It was something I actually wrote about in my weekly email today, as we're recording this, that I let point, say, I want this to be different, and I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I'm going to be, I want this to be different, and I'm going to be as uncomfortable as it takes for it to be different.

Penny Williams [00:10:04]: And I forced myself to take a public speaking gig, and I literally thought I was gonna pass out. I thought I was coming out of my skin, like it physically was the biggest challenge in the world, but I still did it. And after that, it doesn't seem as scary. Right? Now I'm like, oh, I could do that again, but I never thought I could for a long time, and it was that decision almost to be like, I'm not gonna let this hold me back anymore. How do we help our teens kind of recognize when they're doing that and make those decisions for themselves?

Kristi Simons [00:10:38]: Yeah. And that's just it. That right there to me, like, even just sitting here now, I mean, definitely, I'm starting to feel a lot better because now we're connecting and I knew that showing up in this conversation would be the thing that would would also help. Right? Because giving voice to some of those fears, those anxieties, those emotions that are coming up for you, I feel like once you actually speak your truth, that's what allows your confidence to shine through, and help you navigate that. But that doesn't go without saying, like, I know how big of a challenge this was for me just to show up for this today, so you can only imagine. And this is something that I do practice. So I can totally understand from the lens of a teenager or putting myself in their shoes how challenging it can truly be, and that it just makes me realize how much more empathy we need to have for

Penny Williams [00:11:31]: Mhmm.

Kristi Simons [00:11:31]: Just people in general. Yes. Because everybody faces challenges. Everybody. It's just I don't believe that they're talked about as much as maybe they could be or should be.

Penny Williams [00:11:42]: Mhmm.

Kristi Simons [00:11:42]: And, yeah, that's the reason why, for me personally, I used to get really, really stuck in my life and feel like there was something wrong with me. Mhmm. When in fact, there's nothing wrong. It's just about showing up, having the conversation, talking to somebody that you feel safe with and that you know that you can trust, or just taking that time and space. You know, some people may have not been able to show up for this conversation, for example, like I did today, just pushing through and, moving through, so I was able to. Some people might need more time, and that's okay. I really just feel like it's about knowing yourself, really connecting with yourself and and having a better understanding of who you are and what you need in those situations. Those times when you're really feeling low, what small steps can I take to start to bring me back up to a place where, you know, I feel better? And that for everybody is gonna look different.

Kristi Simons [00:12:33]: That's gonna take time. But, yeah, it's it's definitely really important just to take those small steps because every small step I believe empowers our confidence because action is what empowers confidence. Yeah. So it doesn't even have to be, like, these macro actions. It can just be these little micro baby steps of things that we start to do, promises that we keep to ourselves. I promised myself today I would show up for this conversation, and I am here. And I know that after I leave this conversation, that's only gonna help me move through what I have to move through in a more aligned way.

Penny Williams [00:13:11]: As you were talking, and this comes up for me every day, we hide ourselves from each other, Mhmm. Culturally, I guess, or just the innate fear of being human. I don't know what it is, specifically. I think it's a lot of things, but we tend to hide ourselves, and in in the autism community, we call it masking, and we talk a lot about it. But what I have come to realize is that we all sort of mask, especially those of us who have anxiety, because we're pretending like everything's fine, while inside it's all, like, falling apart and freaking out. But I think that we just are taught to show up to please others and to be what they expect instead of being taught to just be yourself, and that will help you surround yourself with people who accept that, who celebrate that. Right? Who you fit with. Who are your people? We don't teach our kids that.

Penny Williams [00:14:12]: We don't teach adults that. But I just think about how different would the world be if we all felt genuinely okay with who we were Yeah. And we could just walk completely authentically with never worrying about judgment from others, it would be a different world. And that you know, I get called an idealist a lot. I know that's a very idealist thing to say. But if we just took a few steps there, right, if we just help our teens Yep. To feel okay with who they are, how do we support that as parents? I'm just imagining there's so many different, like, things we could do. You know, one way that I would show up with my own kid, he's very into music, and he didn't like to talk after school when I picked him up.

Penny Williams [00:14:57]: You know? I was always like, how was your day? Tell me, and he was like, nah. Not doing it. Right? Because he'd already lived the pain. He didn't wanna go there again. Right? And so I learned if I wanted him to talk to me, I had to meet him where he was. I had to, you know, go with his interest. And so I would say, hey. Just hook up your phone and play, you know, something that you discovered recently that you think I might like.

Penny Williams [00:15:23]: Because we're you know, our whole family is into music. My husband is a musician, and it's just a thing that he's really passionate about, our son. And so, it was a way for me to open the door with him. Right? And I didn't have to then you know, it wasn't to then drill him about his day. It was just to connect, but also to say, I see you. I see that you don't wanna talk about this. I see that you're really into music, and it really excites you, and so we're gonna go there. Right? What other sorts of things like that can we do?

Kristi Simons [00:16:01]: Yeah. I absolutely love that. What came up for me when you were saying that is just imagining, like, somebody standing on the other side of of a door. Right? And just allowing that individual to have their own human experience and to feel whatever needs to be felt. And to also learn that they are capable of moving through that on their own, like, not trying to rescue so much, but just letting them know that you're gonna be there on the other side of that door when they're ready to come to you Mhmm. For any additional support. I feel like that's huge. Right? Like, not trying to control that situation or that experience for them, but just allowing them to have it and knowing that on the other side of that, which is what I keep telling myself.

Kristi Simons [00:16:39]: I know these waves. They come and go. And once this passes on the other side of it, I'm gonna be able to look back and say, okay, this didn't happen to me. It happened for me. And what are the reasons? I think the most important thing that I would tell parents, because I know it's been one of the most significantly impactful things in my life that I have done for myself is just after a challenge, after you navigate one of life's storms, it's just really reflecting and actually taking the time to be present with all of that and saying, okay. What was that? What happened there? What did I do that worked? What could I have done differently? What other supports do I need to put in place the next time if this happens? You start to learn more about yourself, right, and what works best for you, and I think that's truly where confidence is cultivated.

Penny Williams [00:17:27]: Yeah.

Kristi Simons [00:17:27]: I already had my own self care toolbox. I have had that in place for the last 4 years now. Right? So every time I am faced with a challenge or a struggle, I know exactly where to turn the people, the music, for example, the the car ride that I might need, the walk that I might need. Again, it's gonna look different person to person, but I think if you have that self care toolbox, that's something that's huge. And then a big thing for me too has just been an affirmation, a quote, something again just to keep me grounded in myself. And for the last 4 years, whenever I feel like, quote, unquote, giving up on myself or giving up on that day or that task or whatever it was that I wanted to show up for, but I now feel like I can't because my emotions are getting in the way, I just make sure to repeat it to myself. And it's be brave, trust yourself, and take action. And it's just this small little reminder, but being brave is just that reminder to be still, to try and get to that root cause if you can.

Kristi Simons [00:18:23]: It's just about reflection. Right? Just about being aware of what's actually going on and then trusting that you have everything within you to move through and navigate this challenge. Whether that means asking for help or using your toolkit that you have for yourself to be able to navigate that and then taking action on that. So if it is, I just need to go into my room and blast that song that I love so much to move this energy through me, then you're trusting yourself and you're taking action to do that, and you'd be surprised when you start actually listening to yourself and then showing up for yourself. That's where the magic happens.

Penny Williams [00:18:59]: Mhmm. And this is a process we can teach our kids and our teens and our young adults. Right?

Kristi Simons [00:19:05]: 100%. I'm still working on it, but it's for me, personally, in my life, I know for sure if I would have had some of these tools as a teen, it would have impacted my life significantly. Mhmm. I don't know who would have taught them to me, how I would have learned them, how open and receptive I would have been because I definitely know now in my mid thirties compared to when I was, you know, 16, 17, 18. Yeah. It's I was a different person back then. But I know if it would have been, like, presented to me rather than, you know, forced on me, I definitely think that I would have been accepting of the support and the help.

Penny Williams [00:19:41]: Yeah. That approach is everything. Right? And I think too, it's the relationship that you have that you've already set in place that then your teen is open to having conversations like this with you. If you don't have that relationship, then, yeah, you're gonna shut down. So much the work that I do with parents, I'm like, look. Relationship first. Relationship first. Everything is different when your relationship is solid, when you have connection and bond, and I think that's where just getting your teams to talk to you about anything comes in.

Penny Williams [00:20:17]: They have to feel safe doing that.

Kristi Simons [00:20:19]: Mhmm. And speaking of relationship, it's interesting how relationships can work. Right? Because, like, showing up here today, we've only spoken once. We met and we connected on my podcast, And I honestly, Penny, which I mean, this is just a testament to the person that you are. Mhmm. From that last conversation that I have with you, like, I knew that I could show up here today and and be completely open and vulnerable and honest with you because it this feels like a safe space. So I'm so glad. Yeah.

Kristi Simons [00:20:47]: Yeah.

Penny Williams [00:20:47]: Awesome. So that's

Kristi Simons [00:20:48]: I feel like that's another really important piece to this is just allowing for those conversations to happen and just understanding that I personally think that had my parents been more open with me and actually communicated some of the struggles, maybe not all the details, I definitely think there's, you know, there's things that can be left out. Not everything needs to be said, But I do believe had they communicated the way that they move through challenges and struggles, it would have helped me significantly as an adult. But I feel like I almost felt as a teen like there was something wrong with me because everybody around me, it's you know, you get the same standard question every time you cross somebody on the street or you meet somebody in the supermarket or you're talking with family friends. It's always how are you?

Penny Williams [00:21:31]: And Mhmm.

Kristi Simons [00:21:32]: The default answer for most people is fine, fine or good. Those are usually the 2 Mhmm. That we hear most often because who would show up to a conversation and start just, you know, expressing everything that's on their heart and everything that's going on. It doesn't a lot of people don't feel safe to do that. Yeah. So Yeah. That's it's it's a big place to start.

Penny Williams [00:21:52]: Yeah. The more we have this conversation, the more I just think about how we're not doing ourselves justice, any of us. You know? My childhood example was much the same. My parents, and I think, you know, it's generational. It's what they were taught, but they were never vulnerable in front of us ever. And I knew that one of my parents, I'm not gonna share too much detail and out anyone, but I knew that one of my parents struggled with anxiety. I could tell, but we didn't talk about it. We never talked about it.

Penny Williams [00:22:30]: We just knew that they always had, you know, lots of Tums with them for all those stomachaches from all that anxiety. And then I was struggling with anxiety myself, and I just thought, you know, I was a weirdo, and, you know, something was wrong with me. Right? If we had just had these conversations, but they didn't know to do that either. Like, we're not criticizing parents.

Kristi Simons [00:22:54]: Yep.

Penny Williams [00:22:55]: We want things to change. That's it. We're here to help change it. You know, we've learned what we've learned as we grew up, either we learned how to be a parent, or we learned exactly what we didn't want to do as a parent. You know? I'm gonna be the opposite for my kids. Right? But we don't like we don't teach parenting skills. You go to the hospital, you have a baby, and you take it home. Like, all you have to have is a car seat.

Penny Williams [00:23:22]: Yeah. And off you go. Right? Yep. You just learn by doing, and by the experiences and the examples that you've had. So, you know, criticizing people doesn't help. You know, we all learned whatever we learned, but we can learn better Yeah. And we can do better. And I think that's what we're here talking about, is just being able to show up differently.

Penny Williams [00:23:45]: But I I so want us to show up differently for for our teens and young adults. They need it so desperately now, I think, more than ever. You know, when I was that age, thank goodness, we didn't have smartphones and social media, and, you know, I didn't have to worry about people making fun of me and it going viral. All I worried about was, like, showing up to school and people talking about me behind my back, right, or something like that. Yeah. Now it's a whole another layer of fear and anxiety

Kristi Simons [00:24:18]: Mhmm.

Penny Williams [00:24:19]: That goes along with causing us to just hide who we are, to not show up authentically. Yeah. Yeah. I really hope we'll we'll keep having these conversations, and we'll help 1 teen and one family at a time. Right? Yeah.

Kristi Simons [00:24:34]: That's it. One of the most important things too, I think, that I've realized on my own journey. I mean, my kids are still young. They're only 24. But I do know that if I want them truly to feel confident or to show up in their lives confidently and take confident actions towards the desires that they have and the dreams and the goals that they wanna set for themselves, I know that I also need to be showing up in that way as well. Like, I need to model Yep. What I expect of them. So I feel like that is why I am so so connected to this work.

Kristi Simons [00:25:07]: And it's funny as you were saying all that just about, like, parenting and stuff. I often think, like, oh my goodness. I hope that they never start a podcast like 20 years down the road. Yeah. Talking about all the same things, like the things that maybe did that weren't and, you know, things are gonna change. And that's just it. I feel like we need to just give ourselves more grace. I feel like we need to just embrace the fact that this is a human experience that we are all experiencing, and it comes with just this beautiful mix of all of these emotions.

Kristi Simons [00:25:38]: I never wanna show up here either with the intention of saying that any emotions are bad. I actually believe I mean, I don't I really don't like feeling sad and angry. I'm not gonna lie to you, Penny.

Penny Williams [00:25:48]: Right. However It's normal.

Kristi Simons [00:25:50]: Without that contrast, you can't honestly feel, like, the depths of the joy and Mhmm. Just how proud you are of yourself when you move through something, like, that's really challenging. So

Penny Williams [00:26:01]: I had never thought about it that way.

Kristi Simons [00:26:03]: That is the message I wanted to share today.

Penny Williams [00:26:05]: Yeah. I never thought about that contrast and how important that contrast is so that we really feel joy. Yeah. Because, otherwise, everything would be kind of flat. Right?

Kristi Simons [00:26:17]: Well, I'm thinking back to my teen years too. Right? I don't even feel like that experience was a a part of my life because to me, it was just, oh gosh, fear, sadness

Penny Williams [00:26:26]: Mhmm.

Kristi Simons [00:26:26]: You know, a breakup, a friendship that's gone wrong, somebody saying something behind your back, for example, and you start to dabble in things that help you to numb those feelings. So then that becomes your norm and you reach adulthood and you realize, oh my gosh, like, I can't use those outlets anymore. I'm a mom. I need to be responsible. I can't just run away from my pain. I have to learn how to face it and feel it.

Penny Williams [00:26:51]: Yeah.

Kristi Simons [00:26:52]: And I just feel like if I would have had those essential life skills and tools as a teenager, you know, maybe not, like, drilled into me, but just tiny little seeds planted, it would have made a world of a difference. So Yeah.

Penny Williams [00:27:03]: This is

Kristi Simons [00:27:03]: why I'm so passionate about the work that I do.

Penny Williams [00:27:05]: It's amazing. And I just want parents to know that not every kid is going to do the depth of reflection on their childhood that we have done. Right? Yes. They're not all gonna be doing this work that causes you to really dissect a lot of things. No. So don't fear that

Kristi Simons [00:27:22]: Just about taking the pressure off.

Penny Williams [00:27:24]: Yeah. Yeah. I you know, one of the biggest things that I have been passionate about lately is just being real in front of our kids.

Kristi Simons [00:27:32]: Mhmm.

Penny Williams [00:27:33]: Being totally human in front of our kids. Because when we don't, we set an expectation, a perfection that they can never attain.

Kristi Simons [00:27:42]: Yeah.

Penny Williams [00:27:42]: And it's damaging. And that's not what we want. Right? We think we're doing the right thing, but, actually, it's not helpful. It can be harmful. So Yeah. Yeah. Such a pleasure. Again, as always, Christy, I feel like we're walking a similar path and similar ideals and ways that we wanna advocate for kids and teens.

Penny Williams [00:28:06]: And I really appreciate the work that you're doing, And I wanna make sure that everyone connects with you so they can learn more from you and the work that you're doing. As you said, you had your my anchor activity. I also have a link to one of your podcast episodes that I think aligns with that activity, and we're gonna post that in the show notes so that you can do that activity and learn more about that. We will also have a link to Christy's website, social media, all that good stuff there. And those show notes are at parentingadhdandautism.com/270 for episode 270. And I hope that you will go and connect and check out more of Christy's work. Thank you. Thank you for showing up as your real true authentic self and showing us what that looks like and how we can move through challenges and difficult times and still show up for ourselves.

Penny Williams [00:29:05]: I really appreciate you.

Kristi Simons [00:29:06]: Thank you. I appreciate you too and every meaningful conversation that we get to have.

Penny Williams [00:29:11]: Yep. Yep. So much. Well, I will see everybody next time. Take good care. Thanks for joining me on the Beautifully Complex podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe and share, and don't forget to check out my online courses and parent coaching at [email protected].