We're all human.
We all make mistakes. Even mistakes when raising our kids. Especially mistakes in raising our kids. Double-especially mistakes in raising our kids when they have ADHD, autism, or some other developmental disorder. {Can I get an amen?}
The beauty of mistakes is that we learn from them, and improve our tomorrows. In the spirit of learning from mistakes, I'm sharing the top five mistakes parents of kids with ADHD make, and how to turn them around.
Top 5 Mistakes Parents of Kids with ADHD (or High-Functioning Autism) Make
#1 — Setting expectations out of scale for a child with a developmental disorder.
What are we first taught about parenting? That there are certain skills each child must have at certain stages of development — milestones. Babies should roll over around 5 months of age, be socially interactive with caregivers by 9 months, and be using 2-word phrases by age 2. By age 5, we're told our kids should be showing more independence (and be successful at it). By adolescence, they should show interest in their future and planning for it.
But, you're parenting a child with ADHD and/or autism. That means your child is likely 2-3 years behind their calendar age developmentally. Consequently, they are 2-3 years behind their peers with social, emotional, and cognitive skills. Too often, we assign expectations to our kids based on mainstream expectations and their calendar age instead of their developmental age.
You must adjust your yard stick, so you and your child can succeed. When considering expectations for your child, ask yourself these questions, and let those answers be your guide:
- What is my child's developmental age? At what age are they functionally?
- What are appropriate expectations for a child that is my child's developmental age?
- What opportunities can I offer that my child can meet expectations and succeed in?
#2 — Assuming our kids simply don't care to do well.
As behavior expert Ross Greene, Ph.D. says, “Kids do well if they can.” Please note the “if they can.” That means, if you're child isn't doing well in a particular area (like school), it's not that they don't care about it, or don't care about doing well at it. It's means they cannot do well at it given their disability, environment, lagging skills, etc., at the present time.
This comes back to my one guiding principal when parenting kids with ADHD and/or high-functioning autism: discover the reason for the behavior (Why is it happening?), and work to address and alleviate that reason. That will help our kids do better — fear and punishment do nothing to address the why.
Always assume that your child cares about doing well and cares what peers and adults think of him. If he's not doing well, find out why, and do everything in your power to address it effectively. This will honor your child's personal truth and pave the path to success.
#3 — Pushing our kids to live our idea of childhood, and participate in our idea of what kids their age should like, be interested in, and do well at.
When you think back on your childhood, I'll bet there are activities and events that make you feel nostalgic — summer camp, team sports, spending summers outside and active with friends, family movie nights, annual 4th of July fireworks… And these things are precisely what our culture tells us kids should be doing. But “should” has no place in the lives of kids with ADHD and/or autism, and their families.
Take out a piece of paper and write SHOULD really big across the page. Then cross it out with a red marker — put a giant and bolded X over it. Hang it up somewhere in your home where you will see it often.
Our ideas of what a childhood should include from our own generation and experiences are not likely what our kids with ADHD and/or autism can participate in successfully or want to participate in. Instead, if your child isn't good at or interested in Little League, accept it. If your child is filled with fear at the idea of summer camp, honor those feelings. If your child would rather be playing with friends on Minecraft than in the neighbor's yard playing football, concede.
By pushing kids to do what we want them to do or what we think they should experience, we are setting unrealistic expectations, damaging their self-esteem, and not embracing who they are.
#4 — Dismissing our kids' feelings.
Again, we need to talk about appropriate expectations. Remind yourself of your child's developmental age when you're about to dismiss her feelings as too intense, too babyish, or not factual. Most kids who are 9 years old are beginning to exhibit good emotional regulation skills. However, since your 9-year-old with a developmental disorder is actually more like 6, he's not likely to regulate his emotions as well as his peers. He could easily react emotionally in a way that seems inappropriate for his calendar age.
Validating our kids' feelings and emotions is a powerful parenting strategy. Rather than dismiss her feelings because they aren't age-appropriate, or are too intense given the situation, show empathy and acknowledge how things feel to her in that moment. Again, honor your child's truth — what's true for him/her. It's transformative.
#5 — Focusing on weaknesses more than strengths.
When my son was diagnosed with ADHD it was all I could think about and talk about. As soon as my husband opened the front door, he received a deluge of what I'd learned that day about ADHD and all the struggles I was worried about. At family dinner each night, we'd discuss ADHD (well, I talked and they tried to tune out). When I spoke to friends and extended family, it was all about ADHD. When I chose a book to read, it was all about ADHD. I had invited ADHD — and my son's weaknesses, by extension — to consume our lives. It wasn't healthy for any of us, especially my son.
Our kids are constantly reminded of their weaknesses. It's our job, as parents, to ensure that they feel like they have more strengths than weaknesses; that they feel they can have successes; that they have opportunities to boost their confidence and self-esteem. Determine what they are good at, what they like doing, and what they're passionate about and give them many, many opportunities in those areas.
# BONUS — Postponing parent self-care.
Parents are taught to put everyone else's needs before their own, especially mothers (sorry dads, but it's true). We receive the message that it's selfish to do something for ourselves when we have kids.
Yet, nothing could be further from the truth. Parent self-care is one of the defining elements in how well we raise our children. When we postpone or reject self-care, we succumb to the effects of stress and dwindling self-worth. That then affects our physical, mental, and emotional well-being, not to mention the negative messages we end up modeling for our children.
Even if you only get 5 minutes a day locked in the bathroom to have time for yourself, do it. It's so, very important.
My daughter is 4.5 yrs old and has had a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder since age 2.5 and an ADHD diagnosis about 4 months ago. She is a very happy sweet girl, I have had her in school and getting OT, Speech etc. My biggest concern is medication. She is on a very low dose of a long acting adhd medication . Does your son take any medication for his adhd when he was younger or do u have any recommendations?
Also I am finding myself isolating more and more afraid to take her to th3 park or playground or anywhere there are kids . ..i have extreme anxiety and am disabled myself from a broken neck so I sometimes struggle just to get thru the day.
She is a VERY hyper active kid. The doctor is recommending increasing the dose a tiny bit but I am not sure . They also recommended a short acting one to give her in the afternoons when she is the absolute MOST hyper.
I know you're not a doctor but I don't think a doctor is what I need right now as I dont know another autism mom but You! None in actual real life . I want Gia to be happy and play but as she is an only child it's a challenge. 🙁
Sorry it's so Long! Thank you btw for these podcasts and information I am always checking back in since I discovered it last week.
Yes, my son takes ADHD medication and has since diagnosis. It helps him a great deal. ADHD medication isn't dosed by age or weight. The right dose for each individual is based on neurotransmitter levels, genetics, and metabolism. A small, young child could need a max dose, and a large man could need a minimum dose. It's trial and error unfortunately. Here's a great overview of ADHD medication, so you can understand all of the nuances better: https://www.additudemag.com/stimulant-medications-for-adhd/
My son was tue exact same way. My husband and i didn't want to give him medicine but once we did theres was a massive difference. After a little while we noticed it wasnt worki g as well or not lasting as long. At that poiny we saw such a difference we listened to the dr and increased the dose. Later down thr road they added a booster in the afternoon which helped IMMENSELY!
I have two sons and my oldest has Autism and ADHD. My youngest has ADHD. My husband and I are having a hard time parenting both boys, but at time we have more difficulty with our oldest. He constantly circumvents situations in which he has done something wrong. He will say that he is not himself that he is his brother because he wants to “fool us.” It seems like he doesn't grasp too many things, but at times he will act like he does understand. He also talks back way too much to us and at times will close his fists and starts hitting himself.We both feel frustrated, but time my husband doesn't know what to do so he ends up yelling, is harsh in tone, and as a last resorts spanks. I get upset with the whole situation because my husband doesn't stop to grasp what we are dealing with. I am not sure if any of this is solely because of my son's condition or in part that my husband is their step-father. Any suggestions, please?
Please read Ross Greene's, “The Explosive Child.” He will help you understand that behavior is communication and offers a parenting approach that really works.
Hello,
I have a six year old little boy, who was diagnosed with ASD level 1 and ADHD about two years ago. He started Kindergarten this year and he is having a very difficult time. He's throwing tantrums and having meltdowns daily. He's never displayed behaviour like this before. Sure, he has his moments, but nothing like what the teachers are saying. We held him back last year because we felt as a whole (Special Ed, OT Therapist, Speech Therapist) that he needed an extra year in PRE-K. And it served him well. However, this transistion has been difficult for all of us. I just don't know how to help my baby. If you could offer up some information, ideas, etc, it would greatly be appreciated.
It is likely that the environment and the expectations are causing overwhelm and meltdowns. When my son started kindergarten it was awful. All he wanted to do was explore the room and talk to all these new kids to play with. He didn't understand school environment and expectations (he hadn't gone to pre-k). It's really hard to regulate yourself at age 5, then you add ADHD, and and ASD, and the new environment and it's nearly impossible to regulate. Sensory breaks and quiet breaks might help a great deal.
We have a 28 year old son who has autism and adhd and learning difficulties we are at our wits end what can we do
There's so much it would be impossible for me to outline everything here. Have you seen my Parenting ADHD podcast? There are nearly 100 episodes all on parenting kids with ADHD (and autism) — you cna choose what you're struggling specifically with and listen to an episode on that. As an adult, he needs to have some buy-in or nothing will improve. Your role is support but he needs to do a lot of things for himself.
This is wonderful, thank you.
I have a 9 year old son with severe combined ADHD and Aspergers. He is in mainstream school and on medication, the last few months his behaviour has nosedived to the point I can barely speak to him because he talks over me, tells me to shut up and is totally unwilling to listen to anything I have to say. When it gets to that point there is nothing I can say or do to stop him from being rude. I have always been very patient and read up on his condition, gone to seminars to hear from professionals but I feel at a loss of how to get through to him, as hard as I'm finding it, it must feel awful for him too, any advice gratefully received!!
Hi Josie! A lot of kids have regressed during the pandemic, even my own. The stress and anxiety of the situation is allowing the emotional part of the brain to take over a lot right now.
Behavior is communication. So what is he telling you with his behavior? That he's dysregulated, on edge, struggling, and having a hard time. There are some great episodes on the podcast that cover this, especially episode 003. https://parentingadhdandautism.com/listen
I have a 6 year old boy who was recently diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning ADS. This year he is doing wonderful with his first grade teacher in a smaller setting. The issue, he has is maintaining friendships/ is keeping friends. He can go into a playground and talk to kids and play but does not understand why a child may not listen to him or walk away from because they are annoyed by him telling them how to play and what to do when he creates his own rules. He is very smart and is aboce average for now. How can i continue to motivate him to do well and how can i help him socially. It really breaks my heart when he wants to play and maybe isolated all of the sudden and he just doesnt understand the reasons why.
Hi Erika! It sounds like he's missing a lot of social nuance and skills. My son looked really bossy at that age too, but we realized that he just couldn't see any other way but was what was in his head. So we gave him some social rules to follow and it helped him tremendously. Like, when you're playing with a friend, you allow them to choose the first activity you do together. It does get better with age too. My son began to learn more social skills and social rules by experiencing reactions and mimicking others as a teenager.
Hello, I am dating a girl who I am extremely interested in possibly spending the rest of my life with her. She has an 11 year old son who is autistic and has ADHD. I am extremely good with kids however I am confident that this isn’t going to be a walk in the park. He doesn’t use words as often as normal kids but he does here and there. He also will run around and jump around often. Though he is only 11 he looks older because he is bigger than the avg 11 year old. He’s a good kid who isn’t aggressive but hasn’t had a male figure in his life. I’m extremely good at communicating and I coach and develop sales leaders so I’m not scared of the challenge but I want to make sure I can make an impact and actually help him grow and develop so he can end up succeeding in high school and college etc. I’d love some coaching or guidance in this area because I do love my girlfriend but I want to make sure I’m taking the right approach in this unique situation because in full transparency: if we are to have more kids together than her son needs to develop – I am confident I am patient and talented enough to make it work, but I would like some guidance.
I would suggest reading two books to help you understand how a neurodivergent brain works and how to best parent this child: “Raising Human Beings” by Ross Greene, PhD and “Superparenting ADD” by Dr. Hallowell.