I was standing in the aisle of the thrift store, fluorescent lights buzzing, as my 6 year old lay at my feet on the grimy floor, bellowing and shouting, “It’s only a DOLLAR! You’re the worst mama ever!”

When I glanced up I was met with the judgmental stares of at least a dozen other shoppers. An overwhelming sense of helplessness gripped my stomach and made my skin tingle. 

I told my son we were leaving and walked toward the door. Suddenly, my load was much heavier as he literally hung from my coattail, still screaming in defiance. I was able to pull forward enough to get outside. The crisp, cold air was both a shock and a relief.

I CONTINUED TO TRY TO REASON WITH HIM. IT WAS ALL I KNEW TO DO, BUT IT DIDN’T MAKE A DENT IN HIS INTENSITY.

Sitting in the car, he just kept repeating the same phrase in a loop. It was as if his brain was a record stuck in a scratch, repeating the same small section of recording again, and again, and again.

My husband and I grabbed each other’s hands and cried. It was right then that we realized he didn’t have any control over his behavior. He was essentially a victim of his own neurology at that moment.

It was then clear that traditional parenting wasn’t working for our kid. I realized that I had to muster the courage to step out of my comfort zone, reject societal pressures, and create my own parenting journey.

I had to get okay with the vulnerability required to accept my child’s different wiring and to let him guide us to what he needs, rather than trying to control his behavior. With an open mind, I could learn how to be the parent he needed me to be.

Once I learned about the biology of meltdowns (and all behavior), I realized that my son’s thinking brain was offline during meltdowns and his emotional and survival brains had essentially hijacked his body.

That switch in how I thought about his behavior — from “he won’t” to “he can’t” — shifted everything for us. Not to mention our kid. Once I recognized what was happening under the surface, we were able to help him through times of stress and prevent most meltdowns altogether.

This turning point offered some relief, fewer battles, a lot less anxiety and stress, and more confidence in our parenting. Not to mention the improvement in our kid’s sense of competence, self-confidence, and the resulting transformation in his day-to-day experience.

And that created OPPORTUNITIES FOR SUCCESS AND JOY for my neurodivergent kiddo.