ADHD in Kids: Top 5 Most Effective Parenting Strategies for Kids with ADHD or HFA
ADHD in Kids: Top 5 Most Effective Parenting Strategies for Kids with ADHD or HFA
Throw Out the Rulebook
Let’s face it, raising kids with ADHD and/or “high-functioning” autism is extra tough (Can I get an “amen?”). It takes more time, energy, tears, and resilience than parenting neurotypical kids. It just does. In fact, it really necessitates that you throw out society’s parenting rulebook altogether and write your own, which is exactly what I teach the parents I work with. Deep dive into your child’s needs — weaknesses and strengths — and create a new, customized parenting roadmap that is effective for your child. You’ll know you’re on the right track and your strategies are truly effective when your child (and you) are surviving, and beginning to thrive.
Let’s talk about the 5 parenting strategies that absolutely, positively must be part of your custom parenting roadmap for every child with ADHD and/or “high-functioning” autism.
Top 5 Most Effective Parenting Strategies for Kids with ADHD or HFA
#1 Validate Emotions and Show Empathy
The single most helpful strategy for parents of kids with ADHD and/or “high-functioning” autism is validating your child’s thoughts and feelings by showing interest and empathy. Sometimes, their emotional intensity is fueled by talk of “overreacting,” “acting like a baby,” or “stretching the truth.” Kids are people, too. Their feelings matter, even if they react in a manner out of scale for the situation and/or their age. Minimizing or dismissing their thoughts and feelings makes them feel like their ideas and problems don’t matter — like they don’t matter. Validating their thoughts and feelings, in turn, makes them feel understood and loved — isn’t that the goal?
Jeffery Bernstein, PhD, author of 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, says, “understanding your child is just as important, if not more important, than loving them.” It’s that powerful. “Contrary to what many frustrated parents may think, particularly during those stressful times of conflicts,” writes Bernstein, “validating feelings is not condoning bad choices or giving in to defiant behavior. Validating your child conveys deep empathy.”
While our kids’ responses may seem out of scale for the situation or not age-appropriate, validating their feelings acknowledges that their emotions are understandable within their viewpoint, through the lens of ADHD/ASD. You’re acknowledging that their feelings are real and true to them.
There are many ways to validate a child’s feelings. Useful validating phrases include:
“I know it’s hard to wait…”
“That must have hurt…”
“It’s hard when you don’t do as well as you wanted to…”
“It feels bad to lose…”
“We all get angry when…”
“I can see you are feeling…”
“That can be really annoying…”
“I feel the same way when…”
“I bet you are sad because…”
“I know what you mean…”
Besides making your child feel understood, you are teaching emotional awareness and regulation strategies by talking through their feelings. Emotional validation fosters appropriate emotional development and regulation, skills kids with ADHD/ASD certainly need help with.
It’s not just up to parents to validate their kids’ thoughts and feelings. Teachers can make an important impact in this area, as well. Acknowledging a student’s struggles can be validating also, when done in a positive manner.
#2 Ask, “How Can I Help You?”
While there is no magic bullet cure for ADHD or autism (you know that’s right!), there is one phrase you can say to your child that validates feelings and, very often, improves an unwanted situation. It’s so powerful, I call it the “magic phrase.”
“How can I help you?”
Is your child frustrated? Say, “How can I help you?”
Is your child down or sad? Say, “How can I help you?”
Is your child angry? Say, “How can I help you?”
Is your child anxious? Say, “How can I help you?”
Is your child struggling with homework? Say, “How can I help you?”
Yep. That’s it. That’s the magic. It seems simple and intuitive but we rarely think about it in the middle of the struggles.
Saying, “How can I help you?” dovetails with tip #1: validate your child’s emotions and offer empathy, because it acknowledges and validates your child’s feelings in that moment. Validation and empathy are, by far, the most powerful parenting tools, but we don’t use them enough. This magic phrase shows that you believe your child is struggling. It also shows your child that you care about their struggle and what they are going through. And it subtlety conveys that you are there for them when they need you (a great message for when your kids are teens and you want them to talk to you).
During a homework struggle, instead of saying, “Just get it done already. I don’t understand why you can’t just get it done,” say, “How can I help you?” Take a minute to imagine the resulting reaction you’d get from each of these two responses. Quite different, right? See! This phrase can be magic.
If your child is having an angry outburst, your first thought might be to say, “Get over it and act your age.” Or, instead, you could say, “How can I help you?” We all know the reactions to each would be far, far different. The first points out their weaknesses and will only add fuel to the smoldering fire. The later conveys caring and compassion and is likely to diffuse their anger.
Will the magic phrase work in every situation? No, of course not. The struggle is real.
Will the magic phrase solve the underlying problem (having to do homework or the reason they got angry)? Nope. Won’t do that either. That problem is still there. But now, you have calmed the tone of your interaction so you can address that underlying issue.
<<< Download the Magic Phrase Printable >>>
Don’t get upset if your child’s answer to “How can I help you?” is not productive. They might say, “You can’t,” or say, “By leaving me alone,” or any number of less-than-ideal answers to the question.
The point isn’t necessarily to engage in conversation about their problem, although that would be the beautiful fireworks display at the end of the magic trick. The point, rather, is to validate their feelings, diffuse the emotional turmoil, and show your child that you are in their corner. The collaborative conversation to help solve their problem can come later, when everyone is good and calm.
If your child says you can help by leaving them alone, then leave them alone for a bit (unless, of course, they’re not safe alone). We all need to be left alone at times. Truthfully, sometimes we parents overcomplicate things and leaving them alone is exactly what they need.
Ask how you can help and then listen, truly listen to your child’s needs.
#3 Remain Calm — Be the Thermostat, not the Thermometer
I’ll say it again: Raising kids with ADHD and/or “high-functioning” autism is tough. They sometimes seem to have been born with the gift of instilling frustration even in the most peaceful of humans. It isn’t their intent, mind you. Far from it, in fact. But, nonetheless, their innate behaviors can frustrate everyone around them, especially their parents.
Once you accept that ADHD behavior is not willful, nor lazy, you have built your foundation for calm. You are the parent, the leader by example more than declarations, especially with kids with ADHD and/or “high-functioning” autism.
When you’re angry or aggravated, it only escalates your child’s behavior. Nothing productive can come from a clash of the titans in your own living room. Repeat after me, “No-thing.” Instead, everyone walks away angry and frustrated, your child feels misunderstood and down on themselves, and the issue that started it all didn’t get resolved.
Early on after diagnosis, I found myself yelling, “Why can’t you just ____” statements at my son, Ricochet, repeatedly, every day.
“Why can’t you just listen the first time I give instructions?”
“Why can’t you just stand in line without jumping around?”
“Why can’t you just calm down for five minutes?”
“Why can’t you just get the chore over with and move on?”
Well, he can’t “just” do these things because genetics and environment clashed to create a brain that simply isn’t built for it. Once I realized, and accepted that, I could begin my journey to calm and positive parenting — two parenting traits that are crucial to your parenting success.
Staying calm in heated, frustrating parenting moments is a learned skill. It takes practice and time. It took me many, many months to learn to stay emotionally detached during a meltdown and not take my son’s behavior and statements personally. Even when he was a little guy screaming, “You don’t love me! I hate you! I will never love you again!” in the middle of the grocery store (and I do mean screaming). Sure, my instinct was to worry about what people thought of me and my parenting. My instinct was to threaten him into compliance with serious, stern words. My instinct was that I was the parent — the authoritarian — and he should simply do what I say. Acting on those instincts backfired every time, only fanning the flames and escalating the situation. Remaining calm always worked better (and still does).
Leave your emotions out of it. State facts in a calm and even tone. Your child may try to goat you, but don’t bite. Stick to the facts, remain even, and try to work with your child to find a compromise or resolution that can work for all. By doing this, you are modeling appropriate emotional regulation and social skills too — an added bonus.
Another strategy I employ to remain calm is to remember that I want to be the thermostat, not the thermometer. I want to respond (a thermostat works to adjust the temperature) rather than react (a thermometer simply offers the temperature, but not help in adjusting it).
Let’s revisit the example of a homework struggle we reviewed in strategy #2:
During a homework struggle, instead of saying, “Just get it done already. I don’t understand why you can’t just get it done,” say, “How can I help you?”
“Just get it done already” is simply reflecting the temperature (heated frustration) back to your child. Saying, “how can I help you,” instead offers help in adjusting the situation to a more comfortable scenario for everyone, acting as a thermostat.
Here’s another example,
“I want this new game but I don’t have allowance until tomorrow,” says Ricochet.
“Ok, Buddy. You can buy it tomorrow,” I reply.
“NO! I want it now. Tomorrow is too far away!”
“I’m sorry,” I say calmly and matter-of-fact. “The rule is that you must have the money to spend the money. I’m happy to help you buy it tomorrow.”
Ricochet begins tossing things and slamming doors to convey his anger. I let him cool off in his room for a few minutes, then go check on him.
“Your rules are stupid! It doesn’t hurt anybody for me to get it today!” he fires off, making sure I see the evil glare he’s working very hard to maintain.
“I’m sorry you don’t agree with the rule, but it’s still a rule in our house. Momma and Daddy don’t get to spend their money before they have it, so it’s something you have to learn as you grow up too.” Still totally calm and even, “You can make a purchase tomorrow. It’s almost bedtime now, so that’s really not so far away.”
Ricochet groans.
“I like the way you retreated to your bedroom to cool off instead of continuing to fight with Momma.”
Is it hard to pull that off when your 12-year-old is melting down like a toddler? Ab-so-lute-ly! Of course. It’s a learned skill, but one paramount to your parenting success.
Here are some tricks to remain calm to use in the heat of the moment:
- Give yourself a time out.
- Take a walk around the block.
- Turn on some music.
- Hum a tune.
- Start singing a silly song.
- Close your eyes and take relaxing belly breaths.
#4 Set Your Child Up for Successes
Setting your child up for successes may seem monumentally hard when they have ADHD and/or “high-functioning” autism— or even impossible given all our kids’ challenges — but, it’s not. I promise. I’ll show you how right now.
The first step is to understand your child’s truth — what is true for your child right now, at this very moment. Where is he developmentally? What does she struggle with? Where does he need help?
Next, determine what your child’s strengths, interests, and talents are. Use those in everyday life to adapt situations so your child has an opportunity for success. An attainable opportunity for success, given his disabilities and developmental age — attainability for your child is a crucial element.
Crafting opportunities for successes can include several different strategies. It might be accommodations for your child, skills boosting and preparation, or the environment you choose. Let’s look at some examples…
My son enjoys the visual beauty of fireworks. However, he hates the loud booms and crackles, and he finds the crowds that usually accompany a 4th of July fireworks display downright unnerving. With that in mind, we made two accommodations so he can enjoy fireworks events: he wears noise-cancelling headphones and we go to a tiny, neighboring town so the crowd is a lot smaller.
Accommodations at school can set kids with ADHD and/or autism up for successes, as well. For instance, modified assignments make success at completing school work more attainable for kids with slow processing speeds or who take a lot longer due to frequent distraction. Assistive technology is another great accommodation for challenged learners. My son has severe executive functioning deficits, so he uses an iPad to do his worksheets digitally, so the papers can’t get lost.
If your child likes playing a team sport, but isn’t up for the competitive nature of mainstream athletics, consider intramural teams who simply play for fun, or even Special Olympics. Offer the environment where your child can succeed.
Most kids with ADHD and/or autism struggle with social skills. Before a playdate or activity with friends, set her up for success by talking about some social aspects where she flounders. Use if-then/when-then rules whenever possible, to play on their concrete thinking. Here are some I use with my son:
- “When a friend comes to our house, that means they’re our guest. Guests get to choose the first activity or game.” This helps him to seem less bossy and not monopolize the time together, something that often happens since he’s a very black-and-white thinker and only sees one way. Giving him this social rule lessens the impact of lagging social skills.
- “If someone asks, ‘How are you?’ then you reply with ‘good,’ (or however you’re feeling) and then ‘how are you?’” This helps kids with ADHD and/or autism learn social reciprocity, which is often a lagging skill for them.
- “If you get in an argument with your friend or feel angry, then come get mom or dad to help.” This can help kids who are very sensitive or highly emotionally reactive, and potentially ward off emotional outbursts that could damage their relationship with that peer.
- “If you feel overwhelmed or need a break to have some quiet, alone time, then say, ‘Excuse me for a few minutes,’ and go take your break.”
You also have the opportunity to set your child up for successes in the way you react, talk to, and interact with him. If a parent has an emotional, intense, or inflexible response, the child will too. If the parent remains calm, the child will be more calm than when everyone is emotionally charged. This applies to what you say to your child, as well, not just attitude and demeanor.
For instance, if my son marches in the door from school grumbling, throwing his backpack down, and kicking off his shoes across the room, I could react emotionally and possibly raise my voice and say, “stop acting that way right now.” However, there’s a lot of ambiguity in what exactly “that way” is, and my anger or frustration will definitely add fuel to his fire. If, instead, I say, “I can see that you’re frustrated or angry about something. Did you have a rough day? Rough days are so hard for me too!” I’m diffusing the situation by showing empathy and validating his feelings. I could even take it a step further and use my magic phrase from strategy #2, “How can I help you?” Rather than fuel the very behavior I’m trying to change, how I react can set my son up to react more appropriately himself, which is a success.
Lastly, setting appropriate expectations also offers our kids opportunities for successes. When expectations are based on our kid’s lagging developmental age, they are attainable. When expectations are attainable, our kids succeed. When our kids succeed, it builds their confidence and self-esteem… which preps them even more for future successes. Win-win-win.
as someone with ADHD i find most of these very helpful for my mom to understabd what I really mean, although some of them arent exaclty true in my case.
But i appreciate your helpfulness to let parents have a good relationship with their child.
Thank you for looking out for gaurdians to understand their child much better
I find your opening paragraph where you use the term ‘healthy’ to describe neurotypical kids extremely offensive. Neurodivergent children aren’t unhealthy.
I was not saying neurodivergent kids are unhealthy. I was acknowledging that parenting a kid who has medical issues is also super tough. But I edited it so my intention isn’t misread.
I have twin boys that both have struggles with ADHD and HFA. I greatly appreciate your article and the work you do for others to become more educated on effective parenting strategies. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this article. My son, now 11 struggles with high functioning autism and ADHD. It is very difficult to manage. This article has given me direction and hope that my husband and I can become better communicators to our son. Thank you.
Hi gm my son is 6 and I have been given to diagnosis from school neurologist as adhd with odd and a psychologist who said high function autism with severe regulation
He is having such a hard time in school, I have been needing to pick him up early almost everyday. He does have iep but its not helping with behavior
He can be high aggressive to everyone and the kids dislike him. I am just starting to get therapy but does it get better
What are something you have done that helped
Not sure if you had the aggressive or not listening aspects
But I am at a loss, hopefully a different school or therapy will help. Any info could be helpful
Challenging behavior is a signal that your child doesn’t feel safe (psychologically, emotionally, or socially) or needs help. Their nervous system has been triggered into fight or flight in the case of aggression. The key is to determine what is causing the aggression and work on that underlying cause. It does get better with skill building and maturity.
This really helped me. Thank you
I love this article, and find the information very useful. I could relate to a lot of the scenarios, and feelings described, as a parent of a child on the autism spectrum and adhd. Thank you for the suggestions.
Hi, I’m hoping for some advice please.
My niece has ADHD and is on the Autism spectrum.
Everytime she comes to visit, it ends with her leaving because she won’t like something I’ve said and she can become grumpy or verbally abusive.
The last time was when she told me she’s getting a dog and I said Ooooo, that makes me nervous. I stated my reasons for that 1.being her Dad saying he’ll kick my dog if it comes near him when he’s eating and 2.her Mum shouting at the dog I’d it has an accident on their cream carpet.
I realised immediately how harsh those things sounded, so I tried to elaborate on why I said them and that I wasn’t calling her Mum and Dad asses.
I try to tread so carefully with what I say to her but tbh it’s at a point where I feel I literally need to agree with everything she says to me, even when I don’t.
I asked her if she was getting annoyed with me, she said yes. I asked if she would please let me explain myself, she said ok and then kept interrupting me.
I asked her to stop saying ok and she was rude to me saying it’s called a conversation. I said no it’s not, when you say ok constantly and I can’t talk. She then said well you take too long. Those are words her mother, my estranged sister, used to say to me.
Consequently, she stormed out of my house and slammed the door.
She soon stormed back in and verbally attacked me, my husband intervened as she was being very aggressive.
Shortly after, she stormed out again and when she returned, she left my door open and watched my dogs run out.
Her Dad came to pick her up and that was the last I heard from her.
A week or so ago, my eldest niece also verbally attacked me, telling me I shouldn’t have acted how I did and I need to take responsibility for my actions as I’m the adult. She was accusing me of things that did not happen and I said I won’t apologise for those things as I did not do them.
She apologised for assuming what I’d done.
Later I received a msg from my sister telling me I’m the sole reason that my youngest niece wants to self harm and can’t cope with life and that I’m a selfish c*** for not apologising.
I’ve been reeling, since that day as her outburst was so aggressive and came as if from nowhere.
I was shaking for 2days and didn’t sleep.
I have mental health problems but have been told they don’t matter as I’m an adult and she’s a child.
Both my husband and I are pretty shocked as to how she reacted and how little regard she had for our dogs, in that moment.
She has had very little discipline, due to having ADHD and if anything it has been used a reason not to discipline her.
My Mum and I were told years ago to learn how to deal with a child with ADHD and everything I read said to give structure and discipline but we weren’t allowed to do that!!
When my niece was younger she would run off screaming and slamming doors, when my sister tried to tell her off, which my sister laughed about.
Nowadays my niece will decide she doesn’t like someone, for no apparent reason i.e my sister or brother in law and won’t talk to them for days sometimes. She isn’t disciplined for that, they just allow it!!
I am so hurt by how my niece behaved in my home and the blame that my sister has put in me.
I genuinely feel that the only way I can have a relationship with my,15yr old, niece is if I don’t have an opinion and just agree with everything she says, which is not healthy at all.
Another quick example is when she told me about a shark attack in Egypt and said that the friends of the man who was attacked and died, went hunting for and killed the shark. I said how awful it was of those men to do that as the shark didn’t intentionally kill their friend.
I’m a lover of sharks and fairly educated about them and said to my niece that when we choose to go into water where sharks are present, we do run that risk.
Her demeanor changed and I asked if she was annoyed with me. She said no and about 2mins later asked to go home!!
Hi Shelley! This is a complicated situation. It sounds like lots of family members are stuck in their ideas of the way things should be. You feel you should be able to voice your opinion without upsetting her. She feels she should be heard no matter what she’s saying or how she says it. Others feel that she shouldn’t be “upset” by others, no matter what it takes. I think your next step is to do some soul searching about what you want from a relationship with your niece, then think about what will help you achieve that relationship. Remember that a healthy relationship means that everyone gets what they need. That may mean that you sometimes don’t share your opinion when she may receive it as criticism (even if it’s not). She’s old enough to sit down and have a conversation about resetting your relationship. Let her know you want to have a better relationship with her, ask her what she needs, and share what you need – but remember to be flexible because her brain works differently.
Great information- this really hits home, literally what you say above sounds like my home. I have a 12 year old son who is on the spectrum (HFA) and I recently suspect he has inattentive ADHD as well (currently on month 2 of 6 waiting to be evaluated). The ADHD wasn’t noticed until he hit 6th grade- elementary school was “easier” for him due to not having to be independent and there were no “missing” assignments. This year he just seems to be falling apart at the seams. He’s disliking school, he’s having frequent outbursts, making “I hate…” statements, downright refusing to do his school assignments, we are only 3 months into a mild winter in WI and he’s already lost his hat and 3 pairs of gloves, his answers to just about anything is “I don’t know”, he has decreased participation in school, I can tell the school has their hands full as well with not just him but other kids. I just can’t seem to get through to him. I will admit- reading your article- I have made the mistakes of saying “act your age” or “this is an over reaction”. I read your info, I get what your saying- validating feelings may help him feel more comfortable. But, once the feelings are validated, we’ve made schoolwork accommodations, breaks are taken to avoid amplifying frustrations, and I’ve asked how I can help… what happens when he just keeps stalling the school work or refusing to do it? When he’s given the spa treatment at school or by his mom/grandma (I’m divorced and am the primary parent), he ends up just kind of getting his way- still not doing the work. I still have yet to see him accurately complete an assignment or do a project. I have a hard time grasping doing all these measures and then he just (not knowingly) cheats his future by not getting his tasks done, putting in effort, or doing the work. When he is getting help with school work I notice a pattern of others “helping” him, but then in goes an assignment that he didn’t truly do. I just don’t want him passed along- we get up to the end of being a kid- and he has no knowledge of hard work, good attitude, work ethic, ect. Others let him just skate by, I have a hard time letting him get it so easy because I know the real world doesn’t work that way. I just haven’t seen any improvement in him to try harder, put forth effort, or care about his future. I’m worried about how he will be as an adult. I’m concerned that he’ll never break this habit of avoiding school work and he’ll just get his way- never learning these lessons before the real world gets to him. Let me know your thoughts or any advice. Maybe I’m thinking about it all wrong. Thanks for your time!
He is signaling to you that he needs more support. He still isn’t getting it done… YET. Avoiding school work at age 12 doesn’t mean he’ll procrastinate and avoid everything his whole life. Think of this as a season. Maybe try body doubling with him – sit close by while he’s doing his work. And, it’s ok if he doesn’t do or complete every assignment. I know it doesn’t feel acceptable, but it is if that’s what a child with challenges needs right now.