5 Reasons Kids with ADHD Lie
5 Reasons Kids with ADHD Lie
Lying Can Be More Than Bad Character
Society has always thought of lying as a character flaw. For the most part, I agree. Willful lying to deceive is not acceptable and could be an indicator that someone lacks integrity. But what about when that individual has ADHD? Is it still a character flaw? Not exactly.
There are many reasons that individuals lie. To avoid negative consequences and to impress others are the top two. When the individual has ADHD, though, lying just isn’t that simple.
Reasons Kids with ADHD Lie
- Avoidance. (a) Kids lie to avoid getting into trouble. Yes, this is a classic reason behind many a lie. This can be an even bigger motivation for lying for kids with ADHD. They get in trouble a lot — likely far more than their neurotypical peers. They don’t like being in trouble any more than anyone else and are likely to be more desperate to avoid a tongue lashing or punishment, since it happens to them often. (b) Kids lie to avoid doing something they find painful (yes, boring can be painful when you have ADHD). Many kids with ADHD lie about having homework. It’s not that they don’t care about their grades or doing well, it’s that it is physically exhausting to concentrate on something they are not interested in and/or find exceptionally difficult.
- To express how they feel. My son, Ricochet, is very susceptible to this type of lying. He is a great example of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. He is notorious in our school system for telling tall tales. Ricochet is a creative kid. He’s also very sensitive. When you combine feeling things deeply and a penchant for creative embellishment, you get a kid who tells a lot of grand stories. He’s not lying with intent, but it is lying. While lying isn’t acceptable behavior, it’s important to understand why you are lying. Kids with ADHD often struggle with recognizing, communicating, and regulating their emotions. Stretching or embellishing the truth is one way to be sure you’re letting others know how a situation felt to you.
- Poor executive functioning skills. Executive functions are planning, organization, memory, self-regulation, time management, and flexibility. Executive functioning deficits are common in individuals with ADHD. While you feel your child is lying to you, they may actually have forgotten an instruction or otherwise lacked the skills to follow through as asked. They may not have even heard the instruction when struggling with inattention or overwhelm.
- Impulsivity. The vast majority of kids with ADHD struggle with a clinical level of impulsivity. They frequently act before they think. Sometimes they talk before they think, as well, letting lies slip through their lips before they’ve weighted the potential consequences. Impulsivity can cause them to do something they shouldn’t, then feel compelled to lie to avoid getting into trouble (see #1 above).
- Shame or embarrassment. Feeling embarrassed and avoiding embarrassment are powerful motivators for kids. They may be ashamed that they can’t perform on the same level of their peers, or they may wish to avoid public embarrassment at any cost. This causes kids to lie, especially kids with ADHD who often have more instances of shame and embarrassment than neurotyical kids. Your kids with ADHD don’t want to, or intend to, let you down.
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What Parents Can Do About Lying
Understanding why kids with ADHD lie is only part of the battle. Lying is still not acceptable behavior. A parent’s best recourse is to validate their child’s feelings, show empathy, and implement behavior modification.
It’s important to separate malicious lies, like delinquent behavior, from those lies that are born from ADHD or emotional sensitivity. Malicious lies are those that cause harm to self or others. Shoplifting is a good example. This type of behavior needs to be addressed with immediacy and firm, strict consequences.
The more common lies, like not having any homework when they really do, are better addressed with empathy, positive reinforcement, and consistent behavior modification. Talk about trust and the need for others to be able to believe what you say (the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf is an excellent tool for this lesson). Reward honesty, through praise, or even by using a goal chart. They key is to be consistent with your reinforcement of truth and trust, and always remain calm when dealing with lying.
What does your child lie about most often? How do you handle it?
I have a teen daughter with aspergers and ADHD. She lies about everything from little things (eating cookies in the middle of the night) to big things (trying alcohol and vaping while at a friend’s house). She cannot handle a smartphone with texting because she is not appropriate. We have tried every consequence we can think of and nothing stops it. She says she just can’t fight the urge when temptation is there. How do we help her?
You have to look at the root of why she can’t fit the temptation to do inappropriate things. How can you help her to help herself? There are tech tools to help with texting and such. And try to shoot your thinking about lying. She’s either trying to avoid punishment after she did something impulsively, or she’s trying to express how she’s feeling.
I know this post is a few years old, but omg your daughter sounds identical to my nephew who is now 18. He’s been like this since he was little. The content of his lies are the only thing that has changed. He tells other peoples stories as if it was his own, along with making up stories anywhere from him getting jumped or going to jail to not brushing his teeth when he said he did. I have to remind him to brush his teeth. He’s 18. I’m online trying to find ways to help my sister. Did you ever get any help or good advice for your daughter? I’m still early in my research. But your comment is the only testimony I have read so far that sounds a lot like my nephew. Any advice?
My 8 year old son has ADHD, and is beginning to lie about his use of electronics. We’ve caught him 3 times trying to sneak electronics to his room during bedtime, each time he lies about it. He’ll lie about things I’ve watched him do in front of (like taking a toy away from his sister) we’ve tried to talk to him, take away privileges, but the behavior has continued. What can we do?
Electronics are a temptation few people can avoid. They are design through the study of psychology and human behavior to keep us on and make us keep coming back for more. What you are seeing with punishments not working is that you haven’t addressed WHY the behavior is happening. I just released a podcast episode on lying last week. It goes into much more detail. Listen here: https://parentingadhdandautism.com/103
Hi.. sorry to reply on yoyr message but my son who is 8 lies all the time about little things and we give him time to always tell the truth before we ask him something that he has done. Well today he has said in school that his parents hit him if he has done something wrong in school to his teacher. I had a call from school and they are concerned and they might have called social services as well. I asked him what happened in school and he said nothing I had a good day. I started with saying I really would like you to tell me the truth today as it is very bad right now if you lie about what you told your teacher. He didn’t even remember and started saying I didn’t do anything in school I promise. I explained that I had a call from school and the teacher said you are scared that I will hit you if you hit someone in school. He straight away realised that I know the truth now and said he lied because he hurt someone in school and didn’t want the teacher to tell me because he will have his iPad taken away and his ds and he will not be allowed to do his normal fun stuff when he comes home. In his mind he used this lie to prevent his play and Funtime but made it hard for me amd his dad as now we have to deal with social services. I am just asking for some advice as how to explain it to him that this can really effect him and us all as a family and his little sister who is only 2? He has done this once before when he was 5 and it gave us a lot of grief. I don’t think I have it in me to fight anymore.. any help would be much appreciated.
My son is 9 years old and has ADHD combined with ODD and a learning disability. He has been lying about homework, anytime something happens with his sister or whn he does something he doesn’t want to get in trouble
For hitting will blame the person he hit saying that person hit him. This has created many incidents that are very challenging in everyday life. I continue to speak to him about why what he says is important to always say the truth. I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place …
Remember that there’s always a reason behind the behavior. I go into more detail in the podcast episode on lying here: https://parentingadhdandautism.com/2020/09/pap-103-adhd-lying-behavior/
My 10 year old daughter has ADHD and lies about everything. Hiding toys in her room to hiding food she doesn’t want to eat in her room. She just can’t tell the truth about anything. We have punished her from writing lines to taking away privileges like electronics. Nothing seems to work. Please help.
Those things haven’t worked because they don’t address why she’s hiding things. She’s likely lying about it for self-reservation and possibly due to shame. Rather than shame her further, encourage her to talk about the hiding of things and why it might be happening. Approach with compassion instead of hurt anger.
My son is autistic and he is letting alot. I have tried being calm, time out, even taking things that he likes( ie t.v.) I need help if someone could please.
Sorry for the typing error. Supposed to be lying.
My daughter is 6 and is yet to be diagnosed although she has most traits of ADHD & ASD, she lies, tricks and tells stories about other people, friends etc. She will even turn something she has seen into her own story and people believe her.. I have to look for the finer detail in whatever she is saying to know If it is the truth or not.. I have no idea why she does this. Can anyone else help?
There’s always a reason. It could be as simple as wanting the attention she sees others get when they tell the story. There’s always a why.
I know this post is about lying in kids with ADHD so I am sorry if this is not the place but I haven’t found a lot of resources for this.
My partner is 25, he has ADHD and had a terrible childhood. He started lying when he was very little but his dad practically had abandoned him so no one corrected this behavior. When he was 20yo or so he realised lying was not the answer and stopped but he slips sometimes and lies to me, mostly about things he didn’t do or things he did that he’s embarassed about or he thinks will hurt me.
My question is, is it too late to fix this? I admit I usually comfronted him in an angry way and now I see I should be more understanding, but I wonder if it’s too late now to change this habit.
I say it’s never too late to change. It will be hard with a habit one has hand their entire life, but it’s doable if the individual welcomes the change.
Thank you for your message. Any tips? Should my reaction to his lies be the same as with a kid? I have to admit I have focused a lot on the fact that he lied and not why.
Thank you
Lying isn’t acceptable, whether you understand why it’s happening or not. Be careful not to make excuses for that behavior. You have boundaries and lying is one of them. Remind him of this boundary, let him know you’re understanding and compassionate, and ask him how you can help him to reduce the lying.
My 15 year old son has ADHD and ASD.
He lies about doing his homework and sneaks food during the day while his Dad and I are at work, then lies about it. My husband and I are at our wits end as it’s a rollercoaster of working to get his grades up, which they are A’s and B’s now, but he starts slacking and has to play catch up later.
We’ve tried everything we can think of from calmly trying to explain why lying is a negative thing to grounding or (I’m sadly admitting) yelling. It’s a frustrating and exhausting cycle. Teen hormones aside, what can we do to help him understand this situation is not good for anyone?
The key is figuring out why he is lying about those things. Schoolwork is a non-preferred task and also exceptionally hard for those with learning differences to complete, so that’s a clear reason there. Sneaking and lying about food is often an anxiety thing, and it’s very common with ADHD. He knows that lying isn’t good for anyone, but self-preservation and anxiety are taking over and causing the lying.
We are in the UK and my 14 year old autistic son lies constantly – about everything – like taking food and saying he hasn’t, like saying he hasn’t said something when you’ve heard him say it, saying he’s done his homework. Even when he’s given a chance to change his story and be truthful, he sticks with the same lie. It’s so hard to trust him yet he always gets so defensive when you ask him the same thing a few times (knowing the first responses are blatant lies) and then starts saying ‘you should trust me’. Naturally we have explained how he earns trust – by being honest – but he just isn’t getting it – or at least he’s not changing his behaviour! Please help!
This is a hard habit to break. Make sure you’re setting him up to tell the truth as much as possible, especially when you already know the truth. For example, if you know he took pretzels to eat, don’t ask him “Did you take the pretzels?” His self-preservation will kick in and he’ll instinctively answer “no.” When you do need to question him about something, ask him to consider that he wants you to trust him before answering and that telling the truth right away will help you trust him.
Hi, thanks so much for writing this article. I’m an 18 year-old girl with asd and adhd, and I’ve been trying to explain to my mum why I lie in way that doesn’t sound like I’m dismissing my harmful behaviour. I began lying probably around 5-7 years old – I was in a classroom with about 50 other kids and was constantly bullied by both students and teachers. Thus, I suspect I developed the habit of lying as a response to this: I am generally a very honest person, but I tend to lie when an adult confronts me about schoolwork I’ve missed, as I am immediately shameful and try to hide my mistakes. My mother greatly values honesty to an extent greater than the average person (she has some traits of autism), so she tends to respond to me by telling me that she is ashamed of me, which, naturally, makes me feel worse and therefore more likely to continue lying. I’m going to try talking to her later today so that I can make things right. I know I’m not exactly your target audience, but you’ve really helped my all the same!
Thank you so much for the lived experience validation Lara!!!
Thanks Lara,this will help me with my grandson who lies a lot. He is 22 years old.
My nine year old daughter has been lying a lot making up big stories but the problem is the could get people in a lot of trouble I’ve had the school councler call to see if everything was okay because I was having trouble with a neighbor my daughter told her that she went over there and he tried to stab her and mummy pushed him down the stairs and bashed him none of this happened. The newest one is telling people she gets smacked all the time which is not true I literally don’t know know what to do or say to her anymore I e tried explaining that these lies could get people into alot of trouble but she just doesn’t get it
This is a really tough situation. Kids often make up tall tales to express how they are feeling, but it’s dangerous to do that in a way that incriminates people for things that aren’t happening. My advice would be to work with a therapist or counselor on this.
My son has ASD and suspected ADHD or PDA .. he keeps telling lies about things that have happened right in front of the teacher ..
Today poked a child with a toy there was an argument and he knew the teacher had seen him and said he hasn’t done anything . He is 7 now..
When he was in nursery to regulate he would run laps round the garden accept on rainy days when he couldn’t.
Then when he couldn’t go outside he would whilst looking at his 121 do things he knew what naughty! like he wanted to get told off …!!
so maybe this behaviour is stimulating him being naughty on purpose , as he can’t run and do what he does to stimulate himself ?
Thanks
Yes, getting in trouble can be stimulating for the brain. Request that he get sensory and movement breaks throughout the day. As for the lying… you have to determine WHY he’s doing it.
My 10 year old son has a genetic disorder that effects both his brain and body development. He is verbal but he only says what he thinks others want to hear and not what is actually the case, which results is a large number of lies, some of which have been serious. When he receives a consequence for his lies, he cries, “I don’t understand why I am in trouble!” And I can see in his eyes, that he truly doesn’t understand.
He cannot explain what a lie or truth means and I have tried to make simple examples like you are wearing a black shirt right now, but if I said you are wearing a pink shirt, would that be a lie? He responds “no” even after I have explained it multiple times. It seems no matter what I do or how simple I make things, he cannot grasp the concept of what a lie is or that he is doing it or that it is a bad thing. He continuously struggles with this, but I’m not sure how to help him.
Hi Alicia! This sounds like a potentially deeper issue. I’d seek the guidance of a counselor or therapist in your case.
I have a 14 year old son who cant control himself from lying and it is like he is to afraid of my reaction to tell the truth. The other day he lied about having his phone in the shower with him so that he could watch a show and he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth and when he finally did after two tries I yelled at him to give me his phone and his x box indefinitely or at least until he earned my trust back. He says that he lies because he does not know how I will react and that he says I can over react. what should I do different?
Hi Helen! I love that you’re asking how to pivot! That shows that you know this is really more about you than your son. People lie for two reasons: 1) Fear of what will happen if the truth is revealed, and 2) to spare the feelings of the other party, I.e., “that dress doesn’t make you look fat,” “I’m fine Mama (when they really aren’t but don’t want to burden you or disappoint you).”
An indefinite removal of electronics is a consequence out of scale for what happened. The key is to look at the behavior as a neutral circumstance – don’t add judgement. We assign negative character qualities to someone who tells a lie. That’s adding OUR feelings about what happened and not looking at it as a neutral signal that has a message for you.In this case, the message is that your son knew he’d get extreme punishment and he wanted to avoid that.
For me, this instance calls for a collaborative conversation, which you started and found that he fears how you will react. When you yell and blow up, it makes him feel really bad about himself – of course he wants to avoid that. However, when we meet behavior with calm compassion, our kids don’t feel the need to lie (not as often anyway). They don’t have to fear an uncomfortable and tough situation.
The truth is, we set kids up to lie. Rather than asking him if he did X, say, “I see that you had your phone in the shower and you know that’s not permitted because it will break your phone. What can we do about this?” That way, there’s no opportunity to lie, AND you’re working together to resolve the root of the issue, which is that he feels the need to have video in the shower and you prohibit the phone in the shower.
BTW, this is something my own son does. He needs something to listen to and often prefers a video over music. So he’s allowed to take his phone in the bathroom and play video while he’s in the shower. On occasion, i’ve found that he showered with the curtain half open, but, for the most part, he gets the comfort from just hearing it. So how can you help your son get what he needs from watching videos while showering without having the phone in the shower?